What The EFF Is WRONG With You People?

Sometimes I can't seem to comprehend the human mind. Especially that of a woman's. Don't get me wrong, I am one after all but maybe just not quite on the same wavelength as most.

This has been going on for quite some time now and I've remained fairly silent through all this back stabbing as it really doesn't affect me much one way or the other. To be fair, it was done on a very minimal level that I still find it all tolerable so I kept quiet.

But these women has seriously stretched my tolerance level to the limit and I can no longer just sit quietly and pretend nothing happened.

You know what they say about "An Idle Mind is A Devil's Workshop". Recently I've come to learn that this statement as absolutely true. These women seriously have nothing better to do with their time that they've taken a passion about gossiping about others be it true or not. I expect it of housewives as they just have so much time on their hands. But women who are working professionals? Surely you all should be smarter than that to pass on mindless gossip much less be part of it.

Gossips do reach my ears time and time again but mostly I just listen and just let it be. I don't pass something on whether or not it's true. It's not my story to pass on. I respect people's right to privacy. That's more than I can say for these mindless airheads.

First you all speculate that I'm romantically involved with this one instructor. And you gossip amongst yourselves behind my back and don't have the guts to come up and ask me straight up. And pretend to be my friend. Yeah right. With friends like you all who needs enemies. You all know full well the penalty for these said instructors and yet you still gossip away. And when head count is cut (I can't validate that these are the reasons they haven't returned but it very well could be possible) you all make a huge ruckus to the media and don't even have the bloody guts to comment using your own name. What do you have to hide?

You all have no brains whatsoever. I really don't mind that you all just love showering your attention on me. Really I don't anything from this. But think through that thick head of yours when your precious and only instructor goes back and doesn't return. You all point fingers to the management but fail to realise you too play a part in this whole drama you all created. Ever heard the term walls have ears you morons?

What a bunch of idiots.

Let me explain what sparked my anger. I've always been closer to guys compared to girls. These morons. Apparently live in the dinosaur age as to them, if a guy and girl is close... there has to be something going on between the two. They linked me to one of the instructors. I kept quiet because I didn't want to cause him any trouble.

The last straw was when I brought one of the boys with me to class during the weekend. He just finished his exams and was bored so I dragged him along to class with me. Of course I introduced him to them out of politeness. I know what was going on in those airhead mind of theirs. Naturally they didn't disappoint.

Come end of class in the ladies locker room where my friend was definately out of earshot these women came and asked me if he was my boyfriend. Now, what does it matter to them if he was or wasn't right? Since he really isn't. I told them no, we're just friends. Can you believe it when these hussies said no way we're just friends. We're too close to be friends. THEY think he likes me. They, who've met him for like what... one and a half hours???

Like I don't know better. We're just really close. Like brother/sister close. But no, to them there's no way a guy and a girl can be close without any sexual innuendos. Well I hate to burst your bubble people but it does happen. And besides, I don't owe you any frigging explanation. Who are you to me but mere strangers that I just so happen to cross path with. Come five years down the line (maybe 3) I won't even remember your name, much less how you look like. You're nothing to me.

So lay off all the ridiculous gossip before someone losses their job. People have worked really hard to earn a decent living here and have a family to feed back home. Can you seriously have it on your conscience when they lose their jobs and their families goes without food all because you guys just wanted some form of entertainment in your otherwise mundane life?

Really think about it the next time you gossip about mindless things. Go mind your own business already.

P.S. I'm not directly referring to the person who went to the media. She has always kept out of the all drama that goes around. Besides, Siapa makan cili, dia yang terasa pedas.

Definately Something Brewing...

I've been meaning to post this somewhere in May, but as usual other things got in the way and I haven't been updating my blog. In fact, I think most of my regular readers have also disappeared (not that I blame them). Actually might be better for me this way.

Anyway, somewhere end of May, someone changed their status message (or probably sent us messages, I can't remember now) and asked us to check out Malay Mail online. Apparently there was some issue with a gym member with some gym centre and someone from the gym I go to posted up her comments on the deteriorating services of this gym we went to. Read the post here (read the comments too).

That sparked a follow up from Malay Mail (no idea how they went about it). The post for that is here.

I guess everything sort of tickled my funny bone. I mean the first complaint was about this lady's gym membership being cancelled without her knowledge but the latter sparks a more interesting topic of conversation. I'm sure everyone must be wondering what the hype is all about, I mean they are complaining about one of the many facilities provided by the centre.

Well, here's my two cents (although I'm sure I'll get into some sort of trouble for this).

I have been a member with this centre from day one the centre opened it's branch in Subang. I think easily I've been with them for 5 years (membership ends mid next year). In the beginning I only went for the GX classes and the machines as I only signed up for weekend package (was working double jobs at that time) and they didn't offer the yoga studio classes with the package.

Then along the way when I no longer worked double jobs, I switched my membership to home full package. I can't exactly when I started Bollywood and Fusion Dance. I sorta stumbled upon it one day when Bellyjam was cancelled at the last minute and since I'm not so much of a machine person, I decided to check out the Fusion class that was going on at the other side.

I was perpetually lost for that first day but I kinda enjoyed myself so I began planning my time around to incorporate classes that I liked. See, over the years I've gotten bored with the GX classes provided by most gyms. There's nothing more boring than dancing in a cheorograph step that doesn't quite jive with the song or the same steps for months... (the horror)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming to be a superb dancer but imagine they have some really nice club music and the steps are so 1... 2... 3... 4... basic. Can die of boredom ok. So many times my feet and the steps just don't sync because I've been trained to listen to beats in music (piano lessons at an early age does help some) and the steps just don't quite... *argh*... difficult to explain.

Then I stumbled upon this lovely, lovely class that not only changes every month... the steps are mostly there to define the meaning of the song. Sometimes I can't even get my hands and feet to move in sync with the music because of the super fast beats (bollywood songs what do you expect?). Then, we had 2 dance instructors. Each with their own unique sense of style.

The one who's mostly based in Subang had a more traditional style of teaching whilst the other (who only taught in Subang on Sundays and Mondays) based mostly in Hartamas had a more contemporary modern feel to his steps. They really breathe new life into the songs and I actually found myself stopping all GX Classes just so I can slot in time to accommodate their classes (ei, 4 classes with 4 different songs and steps already mind boggling ok).

Then 2 years ago I made the switch from home (Subang) membership to passport. It made more sense as I've moved back home and although Hartamas was a much nearer option compared to Subang but I still chose passport membership because it was faster for me to access the Subang gym after work (rush hour traffic, NPE). Well, that was then. When the Subang instructor went back for holiday I decided to upgrade. Doesn't make any sense to go to the gym only twice a week and with the change, I can keep my Sunday gym-free.

Even that sparked some gossip around the gym ok (I'll explain it next time). Anyway along the way I dropped the Subang class altogether because although the instructor was really good at what he was doing, it just wasn't my style. Now the Subang dance instructor has gone back to India and there's no news as to when he'll be returning. The gym keeps promising soon, soon, soon... but they've been gone since March and none of them (read the link) has returned as yet.

Yoga I can't really comment on the facilities now as I haven't been going for yoga since... f-o-r-e-v-e-r... but the dance class is only being manned by one really tired and overworked instructor. I don't think the classes has increased but imagine all the running back and forth between centres... there's bound to be a burnout. Not enough dance classes for working class people at nights... Subang members wants more night classes... Hartamas wants more night classes... everybody wants more of this, more of that (me? I just run to whichever centre there's a class... new office location veli strategic)

I can't remember how many times I had to miss a class because I didn't realise they changed the schedule (again)... not to mention looking like a bleeding idiot when I go to a centre and they ask, "Which class?"... "Dance"... "There's no dance tonight miss"... "........."

Embarrassing. And by that time it's mostly already too late to make it to the other side of PJ for class so I'd just do some light exercise, shower and go home. Seems they don't realise not all of us like to take the printed timetables provided (I'm trying to go paperless)... they hardly ever update their website on time (a hassle for us working...) how the f*** do you expect me to know there's a change in the schedule when I don't run to both centres every-single-freaking-day-and-there's-no-update-on-the-website...

Last I heard, the current instructor is also due back to India for his yearly holiday and his visa is expiring. Don't know what's the status of that but apparently they're getting one of the instructor from SG to come down for that 3 weeks he's away... I suspect... There'll be more issues to come in the near future... As usual, I prefer to stand on the sidelines and just watch the "show"... Doesn't really make a difference to me. Not planning to renew my membership after this. Will definately miss the dance class but the customer service really turns me off... Don't get me started on the other issues.

Til next time...

What's Your Poison? Ebooks or Paperbacks?

For those who didn't know, I'm a closet bookworm. Seriously...

I actually picked up the habit while I was a child. Am not too sure why I got into that habit as none of my family members are fans of reading.

Anyway, there's a set of books I'm really aching to buy. To the extend I've been combing the web to check out the price and compare it with the price in the bookshops over here. This would surprise most of my close friends as I don't usually buy books. I'd rather rent than to buy unless that book really captures my fancy. Even then, I'd normally opt for paperbacks as opposed to hardcover due to the price factor.

Some people say paperbacks get worn out easily but none of my collection of paperback are in too bad of a shape. I'd normally wrap them up in clear plastic wrap (or I get someone else to do it for me) and make sure I try not to get any crease lines into the books. This means any friends thinking of loaning my book have to take extremely good care of it as I will nag them to no end before handing them the book. This also means I don't allow people to dog-ear my books (neither do I do it to any of the books I rent).

Now if the book is really too thick, I'd opt for hardcover because it's almost impossible not to get any crease lines into them and a nightmare to wrap.

Ok, I went off-topic as I usually do.

Back on track. While I was searching the web and I came across countless offerings from Malaysia but none provided the actual books to be bought off the internet (minus the hassle of me trying to find a parking at The Curve and then getting side-tracked by all the lovely books at Borders).

Most were offering ebooks on their websites. Now as and avid reader I've never quite taken a fancy to reading ebooks. I'd rather be reading a paperback/hardcover at any given time. I still have a number of ebooks on my laptop that I have not quite gotten past the first ten pages (which is an abomination for me).

Society has gotten so advanced over the years that now we needn't buy/rent books and can easily google it online and save a copy into our PCs or PC phones and read whenever and wherever (minus the bulk of the book depending on the number of pages in that particular model).

So I was a tad bummed I couldn't order the book but the option of getting it on ebook didn't quite appeal to my fancy (although I was seriously contemplating to as I really wanted to start reading it). I was discussing with two of my colleagues and while one told me to just go ahead and get the ebook, the other said getting the paperback (or in this case, hardcover) was the better option.

We were having a friendly debate on which option was the better of the two. Get the ebook and finally be able to read that darn book that has been haunting my dreams and waking hours or wait til my schedule is less busy so I can shimmy down to Borders to get it (no idea how much it's gonna burn a hole in my pocket).

We were saying how nothing can compare to the lovely scent of the new book and how the fragrant rise up as we flip through the pages. It was just so satisfying to run our finger through a newly bought book. With ebooks you don't get that. Only the blank screen or maybe the burnt smell of my laptop's batteries... lol.

The other thing I don't fancy about ebooks is the fact that I have to remember which page I stopped at and sometimes it takes me forever to find the last page I read as I have short term memory loss. More often than not, I find myself skimming the pages to reread and if the lines are familiar I'd move on to the next page until I find the correct page. None of this hassle with books. All you need is a bookmark (or some people like to dog-ear the books instead, whichever strikes your fancy). I needn't waste precious minutes trying to locate a page when all I have to do is to refer to the bookmark (there's a reason they were created).

Did I even mention the fact that nothing beats curling up in a nice cosy sofa or bed with a good book and good lighting? You certainly can't do that with an ebook. No matter how small the device of your choice to read your ebook it isn't quite as comfortable. Trust me I know. I've tried so hard to find a comfortable position trying to read on both my laptop and my phone and nothing beats the comfort of a book.

And with ebooks (especially when you're reading via your pocket PC) it's really frustrating when you want to see how many pages more you have to go before the next chapter. I don't know about you, but I have a habit of never really being able to put down a good book so I usually compromise by telling myself I'd finish a chapter before closing it. If I didn't, I'd probably read til the morning sun shone through my window.

Usually all I have to do when it's getting late and I want to stop at a proper stopmark, I'd put my finger on the current page I'm reading and skim through to see how many pages I have to go before I hit the next chapter. If it's too many then I'd compromise by stopping at breaks in the chapter (hopefully). No such thing with an ebook. I'd have to remember the page, scroll down and scroll back up (or use the "go to page" option)... with my phone, I'd have to keep clicking the next button. It's frustrating!!!

I don't know. Call me old fashion but I still prefer tradisional reading books to ebooks although ebooks do come in handy at times of boredom. I'm currently reading one of the books I'm itching to get although this copy is not published as yet (hey, I got it from the author's site so it's legal and I'm not distributing it to anyone else). I have to make do with this for the moment until I can get my hands on the first book she wrote.

I'm already going cock-eyed by reading such fine print on my touch phone and my finger has gone numb from scrolling left-right, up-down... even my screen protector has got scratch marks already (it wasn't there before) due to the heavy usage of scrolling I've been doing on it... (>.<)

I really should go out and get the book before I increase the power on my contacts again. As it is, mine is already super high...

So what's your pick? ebooks or paperbacks?

Cheerios... :)

The Year That Was...

2008

It was the year of many new beginnings and endings. Things that I truly cherish close to my heart and have slowly but surely shaped me into a different person. As a tribute to close of a wonderful year is a collage of everything that made 2008 the most memorable year for me thus far.

To FamilyLove them or hate them... They're a big part of me. This year some relationship ties have been forged. Namely with my sweet cousin Mae who resides in New Zealand. For the first time in my life, I went out for an outing with my cousins. Will it be the last. Don't know...

I now make a conscious effort to attend any family function be it big or small. Even if I can only stay for a moment...

To my uncle Louis who just got married, it was a surprise for us that with his condition managed to find someone to love. Make me feel that if we believe enough in it... All beings have their destined partner. May you have everlasting happiness...

To ColleaguesWho are mad and absolutely wonderful... you guys make coming to work something I look forward to everyday now. From birthdays to farewell and just random outings be it skytrekking... clubbing... rockclimbing... house parties... makes the office a cherrier and fun place to work at...

To My Dearest MatesWe've had some fun didn't we? The trip to Port Dickson to celebrate Lili's birthday although it did end in sadness as we had 2 rush back to attend MSK's dad's sudden departure... Celebrating Ben's birthday and totally got sloshed after hearing the new's that my son Tazzy (cat la) wasn't going to make it through the night... to sleeping only four hours completely zonked and getting ready in record time to make it to MSK's wedding (with me absolutely reeking of alcohol)... who's now expecting a baby due somewhere in March 2009.

It saddens me that one of us have decided to leave the picture and I'm afraid these shots will be the last ones I see of the four of us together. Am not sure what happened between you all. You gals where the ones who were there at the lowest point of our lives... each and every one of us... had some form of comfort from the other at our darkest times. I wish we could all learn to forgive and forget because the things we've gone through together should be stronger than whatever reason it is that's now keeping us apart...

To My Other FriendsTo HanYie whom I've known the longest. This was the first year after a long while since I went out with you on your birthday.

Khun Udomwit, whom I met the year before (2007) came down to Malaysia for a visit and remembered me and asked the boys at Ford to bring me along. It was nice to see you again.

Celebrating Suzenn's birthday at OleOle Bali with her friends and fiance. Someone I've also met the year before and forge friendship with.

KokHooi, my ex-colleague from DHL-PEN who comes down often and we try to catch up whenever he's down.

Lali, Poven and Pat... people I've not seen in 13 years (primary mates). It was nice to see them all again after all this time...

The surprise belated bash I held for Kathryn at Finn's Bangsar themed "The Perfect Crime". Thanks to the boys at Finn's for helping me pull it off. For Zenn and the gang for putting on such a show and to my bestie... for helping me out.

To Da BoyzMet them in May... college mates of my bestie. Still a mystery to us why she only intro us after so long.

Sham - The glue that holds everyone together. Who held my back when the rest didn't quite accept me in at first. Who believed in me and stood by me even though he's known me for a short while... Miss ya loads now that you're in India... somehow feel like I've lost a second home after you're gone...

Suresh - Also more affectionately known as Su... or Goliath. We've had our share of ups and downs... Ins and outs... Seen you go through torment but didn't feel it was my place to do much. Hurry back from the States so I can bully you again... hahaha...

Ram - The sweet, oh-so-innocent one... What can I say? Where you gone missing huh???

Previn & Ran - No no... Previn's not my bf... neither is any of the guys... I never did manage to take a shot with Ran... he's somewhere in the group shot being lectured from all four corners...

Good times... Bad times... Crazy times... all shared...

Special EventsFor the first time in my life, I spent CNY away from home (got a hell load of shelling from mom for that) to attend Nirmal's engagment in JB. My very first Indian engagement.

Was invited for Baby Shrreya's very first birthday and she's such a doll...

Mapu aka Rajan's wife, Mages gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Whom I visited during Diwali this year... Not that I don't remember the name but I don't remember the spelling so I best not put it up lest you guys kill me for it later.

My ex-colleagues from DHL got married. First was Farul whom I suddenly received a surprise sms invite to attend his wedding. Naturally I accepted his invitation...

Elly's wedding. My bestie in DHL. Attended both her weddings in Subang as well as the one in Seremban...

Nirmal's wedding at the end of the year... which completely clashed with Hema's brother's wedding and I had to run to two weddings at the same time. Not that it was the first time I had to do it... Seems to me like 2008 was the year I was running to different weddings on the same day.

A New ExperienceMy very first attempt at hiking. Gunung Nuang. A place that broke me so badly that I'm still reconsidering if I should attempt climbing it again.

Bukit Buah Bunga. Attempted just a week after Nuang where I swore I'd never climbed again. Somehow my boss did the reverse psychology on me and I decided to climb again. Wasn't as bad as Nuang... although towards the beginning I did ask myself why I was subjecting myself to that kind off torture so soon after Nuang.

The first two hikes were actually training to gear myself up for Mount Kinabalu. I didn't manage to conquer it. Which was a huge blow to my ego. It really wasn't half as hard as Nuang. Seriously. Just higher. But the terrain wasn't as scary and I found it much easier than the first climb. The thing that hindered my accent to the summit? My lungs. It came to a decision whether my stubborness and ego was more important. Or my health. Being asthmatic (and a chimney smoker), the second climb to the summit was really taxing on my lungs. My doctor told me to not be stubborn if my inhaler didn't have any effect on opening up my lungs... go down. Which I had to do... I decided not to be stubborn... and let my ego be bruised. Cos seriously... it ain't that hard you know... Body can still go on... but lungs can't... I will come back again. That I promise.

Bukit Tabur. First, second and third climb. My favourite hill of all with all the right combination of elements. Although my last climb was worse off than my first (stamina all gone cos I was lazy).

I vow to regain my stamina and climb you again... Photos from Bkt Tabur courtesy of Leong now dubbed my hiking and photography sifu and the only other person I'd let take pictures of me.

Future climbs on my wishlist are Ah Pek San in Cheras... Ulu Yam... Irau in Cameron Highlands... and of course Mount Kinabalu where I will not rest until I've seen the sunset in Laban Rata, sunrise at Low's Peak and decend through Via Ferrata.

No I haven't forgotten you woman... I always save the best for last...

A Renewed Old FriendshipDo you remember this moon? I believe it was the starting point of our crazy adventures. I still remember this night. I was supposed to drop you home after a mamak session with Da Boyz which ended up with us stopping just outside your apartment talking and looking at the moon... Until 8am in the morning where we decided to head over to MacD's for breakkie...

Iweney pretending to be a samurai on the night we went to watch Ironmen... Ahhhh... Absinthe night... were you went to sleep after one measly shot. You suck... hahaha... Kidding babe...

Being the gem you are... to accompany me on my very first hike. Which ended up in you worrying over me like a mother (heck, my own mother didn't even worry) and I can't remember why at the end of it I was pissed off at you... and you, me... until you fell asleep in my car... Nonsense... But oh, the stories...

My birthday at Malaysia's Philharmonic Orchestra. Followed by my very first taste of Snakebite Black at Finn's which soon became our favourite hangout joint. Although now instead of ordering Snakebite, we have Bloody Mary instead. I have to say... you're the only friend I have who is capable of pulling off a birthday for me that I truly enjoyed and didn't even have to lift a finger. Honestly babe, this was the best birthday ever even though it was only spent with you...

Helping Sham's mom to paint his room after he's gone to India. Only decided to call for my help after you and Ram demolished the walls with hammer and scratches. OK la... my bad... I had something else on the night you guys started on it... in the end, Sham's mom had to get professional help to patch back the damage... ROFL...

My very first meeting with your bf... Raya in Raub... I dub that place Prozactown... all I wanna do there is sleep. Not healthy you know... but I had a blast... it was nice to get away from all the city noise... and a trip up to Fraser's... in my car... o.O Naught much to see though. Everything's under construction... stupid place... but had a great time being mad. I remember we actually wanted to drive all the way back to KL for dinner then back again to Raub but cancelled the idea cos your bf had visitors. Shucks.

Ahh... Meeting Francesco... Can't say I'd ever forget getting drenched in the rain with you... then waited for a whole hour and half for him to check out... and then got drenched again... Fell sick after that you know... Our first joyride to Genting Highlands. In the middle of the night... which ended with you and Francesco in an arguement... and me... caught in the middle... You don't do that to me again I tell you... Bringing Francesco to Nirmal's wedding for a taste of Indian wedding... was fun and thanks for going with me. I hate attending these kinda functions alone...

Mad woman... Our second joyride up to Genting. Just you and me... Just because you wanted to have Starbucks and all the outlets in PJ was already closed. Nonsense woman... Then pretending that you lost all your money gambling... Inspired by the woman we saw sleeping on the floor. We had a blast though didn't we?

To The One Who Holds My Heart
Whom I wish to keep his pics off my blog... I can't believe how kind the heavens have been to me. You have been nothing but the sweetest to me although you do like calling me names and I really don't know what to call you without being really mean. And you have a tendency to irk me with your ficklemindedness... but seriously sweets, with all the drama we've gone through this past year I've known you... I'm glad you finally found the courage to tell me that you like me for God only knows there's no way on earth I'd ever tell you that I like you. You know very well why I won't. I'm sorry for being such a brat sometimes. I've not been in a proper relationship for a very long time and I'm trying to remember. Not forgetting the horrible track records in previous relationships have left me scarred. I'm trying to wipe that part out because I know it's not fair that you have to pay for the mistakes others have made. Lastly, thank you for loving me and being so accomodating. I love you loads... always have and I look forward to creating more moments with you in 2009.

The One I Will Never ForgetI remember waking up and reading the sms from Aunt telling me they've gone back to Ipoh for your funeral. I was shocked. You always looked healthy so the news was something I couldn't really stomach. Of all my relatives... you were the one I liked the most. Always smiling... Your cheekiness... and the fact that you don't look at all like a Chinese made me feel closer to you. At least I don't feel like the only one in the family who looked more Malay/mix than pure Chinese. CNY will not ever be the same without your jovial presense. I'm glad I finally decided to forgo my leave for 26th and used it to attend your funeral... A lot of weird things happened after that... Thanks again to Iweney for being there with me throughout the whole journey and the weird experiences. No... I'm not paranoid I tell you...

All in all... 2008 has been a wonderful journey for me and I look forward to the new memories to come in 2009. Uncle Alex will be dearly missed but his memory will stay on forever in the hearts of those who loved him and those he loved.

Blood On My Hands...

Earlier I ran over a cat by accident. It just darted out from no where and I couldn't avoid it as it was a highway and there were cars from all angle.

I felt and heard the horrendous crack beneath my tyres. No, I wasn't smoking... No, I wasn't on the phone or smsing nor was I speeding. I was only going 60km on a 70km highway and it just darted out. I only saw it because while it ran across the road the headlights of the car beside caught a flash of it darting across the road... It missed that car but mine wasn't so lucky as I was just a few centimetres away from the car next to me. No time to brake or swerve or do anything but to hear the crunch as it got crushed by my wheels.

That sound is still playing in my head. The bump too.

I want to do the right thing. I want to go back and see if it was OK. I didn't even get to see anything from my rearview mirror. There were just too many cars.

I want to take it to bury. But I'm petrified. I can't help imagining it's innards all splashed against my engine. I feel my car is so dirty. I couldn't even get out of my car and sat inside crying for a good 30 minutes. People passing me must think I was mad. I didn't dare to see if there was any blood stains.

When finally got the advice to take my car to a car wash I didn't even look at my car. When I passed the keys to the car wash guy I couldn't help but feel that he knows I ran over a cat. I felt so dirty. Every eye that cast upon me made me feel like they knew I did something horrible.

And even after it was washed... I couldn't help imagining all the blood and innards trickling down the floor. Couldn't even walk on the wet patch.

How then do you ask me to do the right thing when already all these thoughts are in my head when I haven't even seen the body? If I saw it. I'd be worse. Cause I'll be able to identify how and where I hit it. Now at least it's just a guess. But once I have that image... it'll be imprinted in my mind.

I love animals. Heck, I can't even go over an already dead roadkill. I can't look at it. The minute I know there's something dead up front in the road... I always look the other way but mutter a silent prayer. I still remember all the roadkills I saw.

The dog lying in the middle of the road. It's lifeless eyes reflecting at the moon, glaring at me. Even though I didn't kill it. But I didn't have any time to avoid it either... so I went and prayed that my estimations were right and that it passed right through the middle of my car. And I cried that time too. Even though I didn't kill it.

The headless dog... lying at the side of the bridge. It was rush hour traffic... I couldn't move further and the corpse was right beside me. All I could do was close my eyes... stop looking in the rearview mirror until I've passed the bridge. Neither did I kill it. But that image still haunts me.

I want to do the right thing. But even when I see roadkills that I didn't kill... their image burns a hole in my memory. How can I see one, that I single-handedly ran over and not have the whole incident repeating itself in my head. I am trying to drown the sound and the feel.

Please don't give me another image and I will not be able to forget...

I really can't bring myself to drive there and give it a decent burial. I know it makes me seem like such a horrible person... I pray somebody will do the right thing because I didn't have the courage to.

T-R-U-S-T...

Is so hard to come by...

I have to say, as a person... when I'm meeting new acquaintance... I may be friendly but I don't trust easily... When it comes to relationships, I'm even worse...

Blame it on my choices of ex... or blame it on my own stupidity... or let's just blame it on being young and naive once... But we've all heard the saying "Once bitten, twice shy" so trust becomes an issue that haunts you forever.

Let's start with X3... Oh, this one's the classic... The one who managed to rip my self-confidence so badly apart that I felt no less worthy than a amoeba... no, wait... the scum that the amoeba feeds on... I've lost count the number of times he's cheated on me... and even though I had concrete evidence to prove otherwise, he'd always manage to weasel his way out of it. Finally after we broke up, he's come clean (we're still on speaking terms but I no longer have any feelings towards him be it love or hatred... just pity) and we just laugh about it.

X4... although I really can't consider him as one but then again... I've spent 2 and a half years of my life ding-donging around this person... Never one to commit... Never one to give me a status... and only calls me when he's got nothing else better to do... Finally decided I've had enough of this game of catch and release and rid myself of him...

X5 was by far the bastard of the lot... He came into my life somewhere in between X4... while we were having a break... It came as a surprise... I always thought he was going out with a friend of mine but when I asked both of them, they always denied it. So it was funny when he told me he liked me. Oh the stupidity of me...

Falling for a line like that. A few months into the relationship, I found out that he was indeed seeing my friend and me at the same time but about a week or so after going stead with me he broke up with her. Giving her some crap excuse like his mom wants him to get married to the girl of the same race. Surprise, surprise when he suddenly decided to break up with me (a few days before my birthday mind you)... he gave me the same dodgy excuse which really pissed me off (cos I found out from my friend that was the excuse he gave her but he told me a completely different story)... what an arse...

Of course I was mad. I was fuming. So much so I wanted to drive right up to his house and wreck his precious car. I told him, I never asked for this... I did not in any way seduce him nor tried in any way to impress him. It wasn't fair but then again life's never fair...

Was done with him and sorta fell back in with X4... we already know how that ended...

Now I'm with you...

Once again I've never asked of anything of you... never in any way wanted to be anything more than just friends with you. How we've pushed each other away for so long... A year to be exact before you flooded my inbox with "Missing You" sms... with a gentle push from a close friend, I decided to take the plunge... yes, you made me happy... at least for a while...

And then the paranoia grows from within... Past wounds returns to haunt me... I no longer know not the difference between paranoia and gut instinct. I so want to trust you, baby I really do... but I can't help this feeling that this just seem too good to be true... I know not what to do.

When I'm with you, all the doubts just fades away. The way you look at me with such care and tenderness. On one hand I feel so blessed but on the other, I'm wondering... does it exist for another? Or is it mine alone to hold?

When you kept cancelling appointments with me... I start to doubt us even more... You know how I hate fickle mindedness at the eleventh hour but you did just that. Not once, but twice and it was two days in a row. I was so mad at you. Called you and gave you an earful. Cos honey, three strikes, you're out... that's my motto. Always have been and always will be.

It came to a point I decided to ask you... If you still wanted this... and you asked me what? This relationship? Do you still want it? If not, please walk away right now before I'm in too deep... although I'm afraid I already am for I have loved you for over a year... unconditionally...

You question why I have this doubt in my mind. Even said I was thinking nonsense... Following our heated conversation (actually on my side only for you never argue with me) and I decided I just didn't feel like seeing you that day (ruined my mood), you sent me a text... reminding me of how much you love me and that's the plain truth... and later explained it was your family troubling you. To an extent, I know how worked up you get whenever they call. You begged me not to misunderstand you and again told me of how much you love me...

Whilst out with my pal you smsed and asked if you could call. How come you're so understanding and all? I told you that you may and you informed me you were having a tummy ache so you'd call a bit later... You did the sweetest thing... For you asked my friend to give me a kiss (cheeks la wei) on your behalf as you're not by my side although you'd like to give me one everyday.

I saw KM the next day, informed her of me getting angry with you. She said don't scold him la... the poor boy has been having diarrhea for three days now... Why didn't you tell me? I'm not only here during times when you're happy... I want to be there, when you're sad or when you're sick...

You call me your angel but somehow I feel that you've painted this picture perfect version of me... I'm not all that wonderful you know... I'm really lost... Cos I want to trust you but it's so very hard for me to do... for there's still this nagging doubt in my head...

Today you sent me a sms intended for someone else... It could've been a harmless sms... but then again it could be not... This I know not of, for I didn't see the sender's sms to you but just your reply... to her... Yes, of that I'm sure... that the person you're replying to is a she... and the likelihood of her being one of your admirers... 99.99%

You said you're just playing but dear don't you know, that's how all fires start... You play with fire, sooner or later you're gonna get burnt... and I will be the unsuspecting victim caught in the middle of this fiery blaze... Is this too good to be true after all?

I wish I had more faith in us... I so want to tell you my fears... but somehow you've painted a very confident picture of me... which is true to some extent. Certain aspects in my life... I am confident but when it comes to relationship... I stumble and fall...

I fear falling even more so now... For you make me so very happy... I can't recall whence I was this happy... I fear one day I will wake up... and realise it was all a dream... what am I to do with myself then?

I spoke to THE friend the other day... telling him that he was smart... I now know why he decided to keep his love a secret... loving unconditionally...

It's easier to love someone unconditionally. As long as they're happy, you're happy. But things change, my friend you've known that all along... when you decide to take it up a notch... Everything changes... for now, your own happiness is mixed with theirs... The stakes are higher... You're more vulnerable... Shed of all your defence... Yes, my friend... You knew better than me...

But as you said, we alone decide the road we choose to travel. No one can make that decision for us. The consequences, ours and ours alone to bear. I have decided to take this route... I only pray I don't end up even worse off than before...

I beg you please dear... Look after my heart... For it now beats only for you... But the trust is still not there yet in me... That not all men are beasts...

Hate This Feeling... Of Self-Destruction...

You know...

By right when you're in a relationship. Everything should be all nice and dandy... For the first few months of course.

But what happens when you start to doubt yourself? Even in the beginning. It's only been like 2 weeks since I've been with him and I know nothing is his fault. It's all me.

You keep telling me that you feel as if you're dreaming... I can't seem to mutter the same sentence to you. I never even dared to dream that I would one day be in your arms. Having you whisper sweet nothings in my ears. You're even sweeter when I'm sick. Cos you get so worked up with worry and angry at yourself for you can't be by my side to take care of me.

But it makes me feel better. At least you care. That's good enough for me.

Honestly... Relationships is a love/hate thing for me.

I love being in one. With someone who loves me for who I am. And who I'm not. You know all my faults... My temper... My tantrums... My stubborness... And yet, despite all that. Still love me.

But I hate it also because... My self-confidence plumets. Even more so when I see your hoards of admirers. Oh... They come in all shapes and sizes... There's this particular one... who puzzles me so...

She so sweet... beautiful... soft-spoken and she can cook... everything I'm not. I start to question myself... What the heck do you see in me??? For if I was a guy... I'd pick her over me... All these doubts... All these questions... None of which you have control over.

Even though you always tell me how much you loved me... From that very first moment you saw me... I still question... W-H-Y???

I know it's bad... to feel like this. But I can't help myself. I need to find my centre again... Can I just disappear again? Just for a while? I need to find that person you fell in love with... I think I lost her... somewhere along this short journey... Cos all this just seems too good to be true...

It's not good. When someone who has low self-confidence gets involved with another who always have admirers trailing behind. It eats into the other person. Cos we worry someday someone better will come along and you'd wonder what you're doing wasting your time... with someone like me...

I know I should talk to you. That's what I like most about you. I can be completely honest with you. Completely myself... but somehow... I wonder, do you see? What I see? Or just something you thought you saw? Or is it just me?

I know you'll be upset that I have doubts in my mind. But this time my dear, I can honestly say... It's not you... It's me...