aSstHa's muSinGs

Something So Utterly Revolting...

2011-08-03T13:25:00.000+08:00

I usually try to shy away from anything political or any form of racial slander on my blog but what I saw last night on Facebook really disgusted me... I'm pretty sure most netizens out there are aware of the distasteful advert that 8tv has posted up. Not sure what I'm talking about? No worries... here's the link (hopefully it doesn't get removed)...

8TV Ramadan PSA TV ads insulting chinese Malaysia 2011

Tsk, tsk... really 8tv? Just less than one month from the 907 and already you guys trying to spark another outrage among the Malaysians? And I do mean both the Malays and the Non-Malays...

Between the 907 and this... I noticed something. Really guys, is it so darn hard to utter the word "SORRY"? Just one word is all it takes but nuuuuuuuu... Ego banyak besar...

As a non-muslim, I do recall some events too. During my younger schooling days (primary school)... during the fasting month we non-muslims were asked to leave the class should we feel we want to drink water. I guess during that time it was ok because I felt most of my muslim friends were just starting out on their first fasting so it would make sense and we were all kids that time.

Come secondary school, the practice no longer existed as I guess it's probably because they were old enough to resist the temptations. I am a fan of the Ramadan bazaar as we get all the goodies in one place but even then we don't do what is depicted in the video.

Sometimes even at the stalls the vendors actually give out some free samples or when I'm buying a drink, the stall owner will just plunge the straw into the cup assuming I'm going to drink it then and there although I don't. So it goes to show, the malays (well most of them anyway) are fine with us eating or drinking in front of them as they don't except us to do it but it's an unspoken agreement that we do it out of respect and courtesy.

Me and Irene sometimes go up north to spend Raya with a malay friend and sometimes we go a few days before raya and they are still fasting. Please note the place we're staying is a malay village and the parents will prepare breakfast and lunch for us as they don't expect us to fast along with them and they are ok with us eating in the dining hall but we will take our food to our rooms to eat out of respect.

It was funny cause I noticed some comments on FB said that 8TV should come out with an ad to show how other races show act appropriately during other non-muslim festivities i.e. Chinese New Year & Deepavali to even out the score. I doubt that's gonna happen anytime soon seeing they don't even want to admit their mistake and instead asking the rakyat to "chill"...

Stop Animal Abuse In Malaysia : Online Petition

2011-05-26T21:31:00.000+08:00

Stop Animal Abuse In Malaysia : Online Petition: "

Animal abuse is increasingly rampant in Malaysia, with senseless abuses and killings by local councils and cold-blooded people. We must act NOW, and act FAST.

Let's play a role in stopping animal abuse and cruelty! We aim to collect 50,000 signatures ASAP and present it to our Prime Minister.

Please sign the joint online petition by leading Malaysian animal welfare NGOs, and show how much you care about the animals. Spread the word to your friends too.

Together, we can make a difference.

Sign Petition Now:
http://StopAnimalAbuse.PetFinder.my/

"

A Smörgåsbord of Events - Jan 2011

2011-05-18T19:38:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I haven't posted an entry since what? January 15th? And we're already on to May.

Hmmm... Where shall I start?

OK. How about something less heavy.

New Sister Blog
Me and Irene C. have started our very own little sideline. Well, she's helping with the editing and PR front of it and I have to do all the manual labour *sobs*... but it's only temporary as we do have plans for her do help out later once she can transfer her artwork onto a smaller canvas. You see, we've started a nail blog. Yes, I am officially a nail blogger hence mostly I will be posting on a regular basis here but I will still maintain this blog for my personal entries.

For more information, do check out the blog itself and please like the Facebook Page too. Thanks in advance for all your support :)

New Job
I did a small mention that I have currently joined a new company. Compared to my previous jobs, this company is relatively smaller but *whew* the job load is much heavier. Technically in every job I've worked at as a consultant, the first two months on the job was mostly a honeymoon period where I had time to sit and learn the ropes with proper documentation and instructions.

Here, I was first offered an option. They wanted to test out my skills and make sure I could do whatever it was that they were hiring me to do so I was basically on contract and the client was my litmus test to see if I made the cut before they offered me the permanent role. Hence, my first day on the job was spent on site (client location) with my own personal laptop and resolving tickets (IT jargon for something's not working somewhere, go fix it!!!)

So yeah, I was basically thrown into the deep end of the sea without a lifebuoy and it was either sink or swim so I decided to swim. Didn't help much that the bulk of the tickets came from the materials end and I was there to assist the already drowning material consultants. Take the load of 'em so to speak.

First Work Trip to JB, Pasir Gudang

On the fourth week on the job, I was sent to Pasir Gudang to do a KT (Knowledge Transfer) from the existing project team for future support role. This happened a week after the bf's return so I also didn't really manage to spend much time with him when he came back.

Day 1
We (me and another two of my new colleagues) took a slow drive down on a Tuesday afternoon and by the time we arrived at the hotel, it was already close to evening. We stayed at the only hotel that was within the proximity of the client and it was called...

Whether or not is was comfortable was something else altogether. It was much larger compared to the other hotels we saw along the way but despite it's huge landscape, sad to say they didn't bother to refurbish the hotel. Rooms were musky and you have to leave the water running for 15mins before you get any hot water. Which is such a waste.

And the key they provided...

I know of budget hotels in Petaling Jaya that cost less than RM100 a night with better keys than this... I guess I'd better stop writing altogether and just let you view the pictures (or what little I took)...

The view from my room

After we were well rested and clean, we ventured out with my trusty GPS (aka my HTC installed Garmin app) and searched for a place to eat. We ended up in a really remote area (at one point where we were wondering if my GPS was taking us for a ride) and ended up eating here...

Restaurant Sin Hui Bin (the Sin is really teeny)

They were having some promo so we thought we'd try it out. We wanted to take the 4-5 pax meal as our meal was RM75 per meal (for 3) but they told us that we won't be able to finish so dejectedly we took the 2-3 pax instead.

I mean you can't blame us right? Look at the price!!! In KL anything for 3 person that costs RM38++ will never be enough and we'd always just end up taking the bigger portion. But thank goodness we decided to follow the waitresses' advice. The portion was H-U-U-U-G-E (when compared to KL standards).

Yeap, that's what we ordered. Soup was complimentary. So we ordered one brocolli with scallop, tofu with chicken and some mix veggies and steamed fish in thai style (I think). For the same portion, in KL would've costs us what? RM60? RM70? Trust me the portion was huge.... It just look teeny cos of the way I angled my camera to take in the full dish. Don't believe me? Here....

That's the size of the dishes compared to my rice bowl...

And the total bill came up to this...

Yes!!!! For three person... who were very full and satisfied!!! The food was delicious!!!

Day 2

We got up early, had our complimentary breakfast at the hotel which was as normal and plain (and tasteless) as any hotel can get and made our way to the client's site. This time my trusty GPS failed me as the client's address was not found!!!! WTF? I need to update my map. We still managed to find it with little difficulty.

Thank goodness we asked them for a map in case.

The smell of petroleum was sooooo thick in the air I thought I was gonna get an asthma attack. Lunch was just Pizza Hut since it was the closest (near our hotel and office) so it was nothing out of the ordinary anyway.

I did see some cute stuffs at the client's meeting room tho...

When was the last time you saw these babies???

After work we decided to try our luck and find the Zon... It was very far... and soooo not worth the trip

If you're not staying at Batam or Singapore for four days don't even bother making a trip here. You won't be allowed to bring any alcohol or ciggies out with you without getting taxed... :(

We had our dinner nearby and the food was nice but more expensive than in Pasir Gudang... One thing I noticed, the Chinese Restaurants here in Pasir are all halal!!!! Y-E-S! OMG rite?

Clockwise L-R: Our standard leafy green stir fried with garlic. Oyster omellete which looks horrendous but was much better in taste compared to KL. Japanese tofu with erm, I think it was salted egg and brocolli. This was very unique and nice. And the finale was dear meat fried kung pou style (since we cudn't have pork).

Day 3
Ok. Really nothing much to tell. I'll put em in captions under the pictures.

It was threatening to pour when we were about to leave McD's after lunch.

That was how many bottles of water we consumed trying to hydrate ourselves from the pungent smell of the petroleum which clogged our throats.

We decided to eat back at Sin Hui Bin for cheap and good food cos we were tired of driving so far out for food.

I decided to check out the swimming pool which closes at 7pm so I wonder who will have the time to swim as most of the lodgers I noticed were working people.

There was some refining process going on at the factories near our hotel and I could see the furnace burning from my room window. Yes, that's how near we were to the factories...

Day 4 lunch was yet again eaten at Sin Hui Bin before we proceed to make our way back to home sweet home...

I do apologise for the long post. I will try to post up more happenings on Feb and Mar soon... >.<

The Wait...

2011-01-15T23:52:00.000+08:00

You've only been gone for a week but somehow it feels like a month to me. Didn't help the fact that the few days before you left we (well, mostly I) were squabbling half the time and when I started working at the new job the new pace was tiring and I didn't have any energy left after a day's work to drag myself to see or call you.

You made it clear the time on the day before your departure would be reserved for me but as your flight departs in the wee am you needed to make arrangement for someone to get you when you arrive so the bulk of your time ended up with you mostly on the phone. And because of my new job location, I wasn't able to see you off the next morning.

I told you to give me a call before you board that flight no matter how early it was and so you did. A rushed goodbye and whispered I love yous, you're on that plane taking you miles away from me and I drift back to sleep. A long day at work awaits ahead of me. I am so occupied at work that I don't have time to miss you. You left me a message on Facebook telling me that you have arrived safely home. Your home.

The week wears on. Work keeps coming in and I still don't have time to do anything else. By the time I reach home each day. My body and soul is weary as I drag myself to bed each night. I have energy for nothing else. Sometimes at work you'd login to MSN and we'll chat but just for a bit. Chatting too is a luxury now. I tell you to go out and enjoy yourself. Go meet up with your friends. Spend time with your family. You only get to see them once a year whilst mine are all close by my side (well, most of them are).

It's 11.46pm now. You were online earlier telling me the details of your arrival before you logged off. I know you are now on your way to the airport. A few hours more and I can finally see your face. How I long to see that face. I made a request on MSN to you. You always have a way of killing the moment by saying the wrong things at the wrong time. I told you not a word about my weight. That can wait. Let me enjoy the moment of seeing you again for I have missed you so dearly. Ten days is too long. I wondered how I endured the last time you were back for four months. It was pure torture.

Yes. A few more hours and you'll be back here with me...

We Meet New People in the Darnest Places...

2011-01-11T17:50:00.000+08:00

Haapy New Year people! Granted I'm a tad late but I've been pretty bogged down. New job. New environment. Still trying to find the best routes to and from work (still heavily reliant on my GPS for this). Starting up a new blog which I eventually want to turn into a side business. I will share it once it's up and running.

I was out for lunch today at my favourite Lam Mee shop and since it was lunchtime, the place was jammed packed. So I patiently waited in line and hope that my turn would come soon enough. I noticed the table that was given to the other group has been taken by another group (who was there after them) so I told the guy that his table was taken so he better go check it out (I hate people who jumped queues. That's just plain rude).

At the same time, another smaller table freed up so I was making my way towards it. Another old auntie (whom I noticed just walked in) was also walking towards it. Old or not, cutting queue is just wrong especially if I have been waiting for over 15 minutes for a table. So I walked up, and told the auntie that I have been waiting very long and I asked her if she just arrived. She said yes.

So I told her, I have been waiting for some time now but if there's only two of you (she and her husband), I don't mind sharing the table but I'm quite hungry so I'm not going to give her my table specially when she just arrived. I told her in a nice way because no matter what, she is still older and she wasn't very arrogant about the table either.

Her husband walked in and was surprised to see me sitting there. So he said to the wife, I came after I parked the car and didn't see you outside with the huge queue and I thought to myself did my wife jump queue again. He apologised on his wife part and thanked me for letting them share my table (although the wife did ask me to share with another bigger table and I was like WTF).

The uncle was quite nice and friendly, we placed our order in 2 different paper but when the waiter came he was confused as to why we wanted to seperate the bill (not realising we were seperate groups) so in the end the uncle told him ok just join everything. And so it seems that fate has brought us together and lunch will be on him. Of course I was a bit paiseh la to take the money of these two old people. But uncle refused to hear it. He even asked me if I wanted to add anything on to my order.

Whilst we were waiting for our food, uncle said that since there are no such thing as a free meal these days... He will require me to answer three questions. At that point my mind was like, "Shoots what questions is he going to ask"... In the end the questions were quite fun and he said I'm supposed to share it, so here are the three questions:
1) What came first? The chicken or the egg (choose one and explain why)
2) What table has no legs?
3) Which of the following is false?
3a) I have seen a duck, take care of chicks
3b) I have seen a hen, take care of ducklings

He gave me time to think them through. I won't tell you the answer but if you are curious to see if you got the right answer, feel free to drop me a comment with your answer and email so I can reply to you (I got all three correct by the way).

At the end, we did have a nice lunch and enjoyable conversation. And yes, I got a free lunch. One I intend on repaying... :)

In Sickness and In Health...

2010-12-10T17:38:00.001+08:00

What am I going on about? Why the most well-used and recognised wedding vows of course... No?
Ok, it goes something like this...

"I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

Exclaimed in so many weddings by so many people from across the globe (it think it's safe to say), simple words with simple meanings. Yet many fail to follow through with the promises they made. Maybe some forgot. Maybe some expected it to be a bed of roses and run the other way the minute things start going downhill.

I guess I'm not really here to give a lecture about this. I'm pretty sure it's been pretty much said everywhere else.

Well, I sorts, kinda subscribe to this site called LifeScript. Most of the time I usually just delete the mails they send to me. If the subject captures my attention then I'd take a look at it. A few months ago (ok, maybe many months ago), there was a section in the weekly newsletter where readers write in to this guy (Dr. actually) who would answer their question. The questions are mostly relationship based and this one particular question sparked my query.

It went something like this. This woman was seeing a man for some time. Now, this man is married but his wife, who is suffering from Alzheimer's was living in a home. The man would religiously go visit his wife at the home but at the same time loved this woman. So the woman was writing in to ask if this was considered cheating. She felt that the relationship should be allowed since the wife of the woman doesn't even recognise her own husband and I guess they found comfort in each other's company. So technically it should be right.

Now I was curious as to what the guy (mind you, it was a guy who answered most of these questions) would reply on this matter. I must say. I was surprised with his answer. I don't believe any other would've given the same answer. He told the lady, irregardless of the situation... whether the wife remembers her own husband or not because of her condition is irrelavant and if she's looking for some sort of approval from him for her to continue her relationship with the man. He deeply disapproves of it. Why?

Simply because, when they were married the man made a vow to his wife... in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. I was very touched by this. I wish I still kept the link then I could show you guys his actual reply but I guess I just didn't think about writing something about this at the time.

Why I suddenly decided to bring it up? Cos of this...

There is some hope in humankind after all... Happy weekend y'all... (^^)

Ending 2010 with a Crash, Boom, Bang...

2010-12-03T15:08:00.003+08:00

As the year draws to an end, some people

anticipate the x amount of bonus their going to get, some on the x amount of increment come first quarter of the year. Me? I'm being told that they will no longer be extending my contract. Reason being, global hiring freeze and the fact that my skill set is not unique enough. They can utilize the permanent staffs that's currently on the bench with similar skill set as mine. Even though I have improved. Even
though I have taken up more roles that are out of my job scope. Empty promises yet again.

I can't say I din't play a part in this final call of decision but time and time again, I've seen the unfairness, the double standards. All hypocrites in their own right. It's a dog eat dog world out there friends tell me. But I refuse to succumb and turn into a mega bitch. I will not change who I am just to guard my rice bowl. I will not become one of them. It's not what you know and how well you do your job. It's how well you polish other people's ego.

I'm not sad that they are not extending my contract. This project as been a brain drain to me from the very start. I have always voiced out to my reporting manager that I personally don't feel this project is stepping up my work experience. Neither am I standing stagnant in the same level as my previous job. Instead, I'm taking one step backwards. Which in my history of working experience, this is a first. And the lies... the empty promises. ESPECIALLY the empty promises. Perform and we will give you what you deserve. *snort*

I have seen my teammates. Work their ass off (to be fair their work area has gone live whereas mine was delayed). Take on more roles. More functions. But at the end of the contract. Yes they extended their contract for another what? 9 months? Not even a year. Increment? 8%??? That's like loose change considering the fact one of them is drawing a basic of less than 3k (Yes, we're all that closely knitted as a team that we know each other's salary). Oh and by the way, the one with the lowest pay among us, didn't get any increment after being promised one. Despite the fact their work area is the heaviest load of all. Despite they are always early to work. Leaves the latest and very minimal medical leave.

Just because that person is not one to voice out their displeasure. Reason being, they have the most to lose despite being the lowest paid cause they have a family to feed. One too many times, they have breached this delicate but often unnotice feeling of trust.

Where I screwed up? Well. Namely not being in work during the start of 2010 til June. I calculated. I have only work a total of 2 full weeks (Mon - Fri excluding holidays) in that 6 months (including the fact I had to go for a checkup on my ankle every forthnight). I just wasn't motivated to work anymore. So yes. I screwed up. I admitted my mistake. Gave my word to my then reporting manager that I will improve on this. And in the end, they drew up an agreement. They will extend my contract til June 2011 on the note that they will be monitoring my performance, my utilization and my clocking in.

By July I felt OK. This new manager has a vision. Has a plan. To bring us out of this slump that has made us do only copy and paste work sans the consulting we were initially hired to do. I lived up to my end of the bargain. Had no choice but to take two days medical leave because my tonsils were very swollen. Was down with the flu but still can work. So I went in. Manager told me to go home, but I told her I'm still fine. Flu is not that big an issue to me compared to tonsilitis. Eradicated my EL's (my teammates had a nickname for this. They dubbed it aSstHa Lazy day).

Tighter deadlines were imposed. Begged my core consultant to help me out to deliver by the set date even though we weren't going live yet. He stayed back with me. To the extend of passing me is personal mobile number (he's based in Singapore) in case of emergency.

Come the end of my contract. When the papers were drawn. It was only extended until year end. It's one week before my contract expires. Sign or not to sign. All my teammates signed even though they were not happy with the conditions. So it left me no choice but to sign. That already fragile bond of trust is completely broken.

Yes, so come Jan 2011 I will usher in the new year with uncertainty. I have exactly 27 days (excluding today) to land me another job. And with the current situation it looks pretty dreary to me. I have been submitting applications left and right because I know this day will come soon but it's always the same response. They liked my work experience, they're impressed with my skills but at the end of the day. I never make the cut. Reason being I only have a diploma at my disposal. The minimum requirement is always a degree.

So what I ask you? If the person's family financial situation halts a person from persuing a degree? Do you also turn them away despite the fact they have been working since they were 18? Do you turn them away from the fact that from a lowly paid admin staff, they have somehow managed to climb up the corporate ladder and land a job in as a consultant no least? A person willing to work their ass off. Not afraid of asking questions if they know not how to proceed further with the task at hand instead of sitting quietly struggling in vain to get a solution.

But I'll find a way to survive. Somehow... I always do. They say the first time you fall, it'll be the hardest to get back up. But if it's the second time you're taking a tumble. You'll know what it's like to fall. You recognise the feeling. You already know how the pain feels like. So you go down knowing that when you hit rock bottom, the only other way to go, is... UP...

Scatterbrain Much?

2010-04-24T14:47:00.054+08:00

I made a trip downtown with Shamu and Huntress yesterday. Huntress had an interview up at Starhill so we dropped her off and made our way to KLCC. She would meet up with us there once she was done. her phone was low on credit so I handed her my other line so she could call either of us once she was done to determine the meet up point.

Scatterbrain Act #1
After I finished my meet up, I wanted to call Shamu to see where he's at so I could meet up with him and proceed to wait for Huntress. It was then I realised...
(a) My phone was blinking red, indication that battery power was super low... o.O
(b) I didn't have Shamu's number saved in this phone cos I usually use my 017 to call him, and....
(c) The phone with his number was currently in Huntress' hands

(d) AND... she wasn't answering, which might mean she was still at her interview so I didn't dare to call her again...

My phone was already dangerously close to shutting down on me because I failed to charge it over the night. Poor Shamu was wandering around aimlessly waiting for me and Huntress to finish our stuff and even though I was done there was no way I could contact him because I don't have his number.

Thankfully Huntress finished her interview not long after and saw my miss call and returned my call. Told her to call Sham and get him to call me. She did call him and asked him to do so but because I have never used my 016 to call him, he doesn't have that number of mine either. I ended up calling her again and she told me he was up at the very same Maybank so I knew he meant it the one we saw when we came up from the carpark. I made my way there and he was there. Thankfully.

So when I went up to him I was gushing on about wanting to withdraw $$$ so I can get my eyeliner from Chanel promotion area. My previous Elianto eyeliner has dried up on me and they've stopped production for it (while waiting for them to call me I wandered over and got myself a mini makeover... ehhehehe...). It was a tad over my budget but I'm willing to spend a bit more on quality eyeliner than some cheap stuff that smudges easily or irritated my eyes or worse... have a super thick and unfriendly brush (cos I prefer liquid liner to pencils).

I told Shamu I needed to withdraw some cash so I can pay for it and at the same time I was also running low on cash. I was banking on my salary already being credited into my account. Unfortunately it hasn't. It still had a measly RM80 which was the balance from reimbursed my claims so I had to make do with that. Decided to withdraw RM50 to tide me over because I know the transaction will be processed by 8pm that day and I'd have my salary.

Scatterbrain Act #2

I think I was busy talking to Shamu about something (can't remember what) and do you know what I did??? After processing my withdrawal, I took out my atm card from the machine and promptly walked off with Shamu. Without taking the money!!! o.O

I know... WTF rite? Best part is, I didn't even notice it then. Me and Shamu walked over to the Chanel counter and I proceed to make my purchase. No cash nevermind. There's always plastic. I kinda liked the sales personal who attended to me. See at any high end make up counter (yes, counters... not even the big ass shop) the sales staff are usually very hoity toity. The minute you say out of your budget, expensive, etc watch how their attention towards you shift so swiftly you'd miss it if you blinked. But this lady wasn't.

She was still very attentive, very helpful. Even retouched up my entire face even though I was just buying one eyeliner which I told her my card might not even make it but could she just give it a try. Even then, she didn't rebuff me. That's service people. And a very clever move on her part. See most times even if I can afford the brand but usually the sales personal's attitude makes me bring my business elsewhere. Why should I let you get commission out of your pathetic excuse of customer service to me. Just because you think I don't dress up like some rich tai tai I can't afford your items is it? (OK la... most of the time I can't and usually won't)

But see, if I'm not planning to buy anything more often than not I'd just tell you I'm just browsing and you can just leave me alone. See I'm fair. I don't make you go on and on about something and then just don't buy. I have loads of cheaper eyeliners (pencil, kohl and liquid) that I bought below RM50 each but they just wasn't suitable and I already made some surveys and nailed it down to either Chanel or Clinique. Clinique of course was the cheaper option but the application wasn't one I was used to. Their liquid liner was the pot type and I don't think I will fare very well with that.

Anyways. I told her I could only afford the eyeliner at the moment but I want to get the concealer next time (she tried it on me but I think I will go around and survey more but she gave me really good makeup tips too)and told her I'll purposely come all the way down to KLCC and let you get the commission. I really didn't mind. But best part was. She told me she's only in KLCC temporarily for the roadshow and that she usually operates the counter in 1 Utama... See, it's a sign. I was planning to visit the 1 Utama counter soon before I saw the roadshow at KLCC.

My card didn't fail me and I was a very, very happy owner of a new eyeliner. Me and Sham proceeded to take off. It was around that same time I realised I didn't have the RM50 I withdrew in my purse and we picked up our pace to make our way back although I knew by that time the money was as good as gone.

Scatterbrain Act #3

As we were making our way back to the atm machine, one of the sales person from Chanel was calling and running towards us waving something frantically in her hand.

My credit card.... o.O

I forgot to take back my credit-friggin-card. See what I meant bout being scatterbrained? I collected my card and thanked the lady profusely... *ish*... why can't they pass me my card together with the goods anyway? She told me I had to fill up some form and I told her we'll come back shortly.

We checked the atm machine I was at earlier. Of course the money wasn't there. We checked with the guards, hoping some kind souls would've handed it over but really who's that nice anyway? But I was being really upset and stubborn (it was my last RM50 for crying out loud) and ask if they could check the CCTV and see if anyone did indeed take the money after we left. At least I'd know it was gone for good.

The lady at the bank said that if in the event I really didn't take the money when it was dispensed out and I took back my card after a buffer time the atm will return the money back into the machine and will later be picked up and reconciled back into said account. And that I had to fill out a form. I was already distraught cos the three of us were in KLCC... I was hungry and between us, we were flat out broke and I had to go and forget to take my RM50 from the machine. Luckily I used my Touch 'n Go card for the parking else we'd be screwed. Well not entirely. Imma always has a back-up. Da BF... kekeke...

Shamu was with me at the side helping me fill up the details and recall the situation so I can put it down on the form and that's where Huntress found us. She was quite pissed cos she was looking for us but we were hiding in a corner. I understand she was pissed cos she walked from Starhill (which wasn't the initial plan she told us) in her heels and her feet hurt but really I was fairly pissed at the same time for losing my money but I can't be blaming people right. Not that I asked her to walk. If it was really that far she could've just called and I would figure out a way to get there. So it didn't help the situation one bit.

She said her feet were aching we told her to go grab a seat while I finish up with the bank personal. They were checking the log on the CCTV for me. Sometimes I feel when she's down she forgets other people has feelings too. I mean sitting down and waiting wouldn't kill her right? She was getting her feet rest anyway. No idea what tiff she and Shamu had la because after that she stormed off without a word as to where she was going and all. And Shamu had to be back by 6pm and it was already 5 by then.

After I was done with my stuff, the bank personal told me that the CCTV didn't see a third party behind us so it means no one else took the money and if really I didn't take the money it'll be credited back into my account in 2 days. Shamu said he was headed off to find Huntress so I went back to the Chanel counter to fill up the forms.

Scatterbrain Act #4

Yes, and you thought that was the end of it. Whilst filling up the form at the Chanel counter I realised to my horror that my folder of very important documents were not in my bag. I think I very nearly ran all the way back to the bank (it was already closing time). I left them on the table I was sitting filling up the form. Good in the sense that now the people at the bank know I am actually capable of just walking up and leaving things behind.

I'm not usually like that. In fact, I don't recall I've ever done anything of the sort within the span of an hour and half. I have no idea what got into me that day. In the end after finding her at a Starbucks situated very, very far away but you know what? I'm not even gonna comment about that. The bf transferred some cash into my account and told me to go withdraw some money and go get something to eat and get out of KL (see he's my silver lining in this cloudy events)

Owh and Shamu raked up another RM1 so I can pay for the stupid RM2 toilet cos the other "free" toilets were full to the brim and I really needed to pee... Nuthin special aso... Just some Body Shop sprays... no gold-plated toilet seats or kewl jet sprays fer ur tush... *cheh*... Owh and I switched shoes with Huntress and cos her shoes were too big for me... Imma was clopping along but I do sympathise... Heels are killers on feet. Which is why I never wear them for any other function apart from work and wedding functions.

Love World Love Sloggi

2010-03-23T17:02:00.004+08:00

Firstly, I'd like to apologise as it seems the only time I'd update my blog is when I want to join some ongoing contest on Nuffnang. But I did say I'll try to blog more often after the first quarter of the year. A lot of things to update and it'll be coming real soon. Promise. Fer real this time... Please don't abandon me... >.<

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I personally love the world. I may not love all human beings as much but definately love the world. For nothing else just gives so much and asks nothing of us in return. That, my friend is unconditional love. And yet despite it all, we human beings being selfish by nature tend to take it for granted.

She provides us with air,

So we may breathe the frangrance that lingers around us,

But we pollute it with smog and smoke,

In our quest for science and modernization.

She provides us water,

So we may quench our thirst,

But instead we chose,

To fill them with rubbish and toxic waste.

She once was beautiful,

With mountains, forests and valleys adorning her,

We've since stripped her bare,

Replaced mountains with skyscrapers,

And flattened forest and valleys for roads.

We are all selfish creatures, both you and I,

Never pausing for a moment to look around,

And see the damage that we've done.

Open our eyes and take a good look around,

For our ignorance have gone on far long enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I dedicate this poem to the world. Apologise for the poem as I didn't exactly have the time to sit down and write and rewrite the whole thing so that it rhymes but to be honest most of the time my poems never rhymes anyway. I just let the words run at their own free will.

Of late, I noticed a lot of organization has taken the trouble to incorporate environment friendly materials/products into their business which is really a good thing. But I'm particularly excited about this recent one that has jumped onto the recycling bandwagon.

I mean we're so used to seeing environment friendly items such as recyclable bags, tumblers, tupperwares, cosmetics but I've yet to see lingeries made from recycled materials. Until now that is.

Sloggi has released their Spring 2010 collection that uses ecologically-friendly fabrics. I mean nothing compares to a pair of Sloggi undies. I own quite a number of Sloggis and I literally wear them all to death... Even when the elastic has worn off I'd still keep them for use when sleeping (what? who's gonna look at my undies when I'm asleep?)

And who would've thought ligeries made from recycled materials could look so insanely cute? (Just take a look at the fugly recyle bags we use for shopping to replace plastic bags... not really fashion-savvy if you get my drift).

Kudos to Sloggi for finally showing that recycled doesn't necessarily mean ugly or boring. I hope they will continue to expand this line and introduce more awesome designs. Then, I'd definately Love Sloggi as much as I Love World (Not saying I don't but I still love the world more.)

...Yet Another Addiction to Add to My List...

2010-03-02T18:45:00.002+08:00

Of Japanese food addiction that is.

Let's start where it all began alright? (No, not as far back as when I ate my very first sushi... No way I can remember that. I was way too young)

It all started last week when, (for reasons I've actually forgotten - STML ma...), I started playing "Sushi No Suki" on Facebook again. Now why again is due to the mere fact that I have not been able to get pass Day 5 of the game so I got fed up and gave up.

To put it simply, you're basically the chef in charge of preparing an array of sushi from the simple onigiri (japanese rice ball) to the most complicated makimono. The game starts off fairly easy with a combination of 3-4 ingredients required to produce the sushi. As you advance to the next day (aka level), the number of ingredients in the sushi increases. And that's where I usually piss off more customers than I can serve because I can't remember the combination for all the complicated sushis and my customers have a knack of ordering the toughest all at the same time. Imagine my sheer frustation at my poor memory skills.

So whilst replaying the game (after maybe what 6mths?), I realise I was now able to remember most of the conbinations for Day 5 (where I usually screw up) and just need to concentrate on the new sushis in Day 6 & 7. I seriously have no idea how many times I played it. What I DO remember was I was playing it for 3 days straight beating my friends for highest score title and beat my own high score record 3 times, finally putting me in the Top 10 highest score in the world (unfortunately my pc hiccupped on me and I wasn't able to capture a shot of it).

Kiasu-ism to the max ok.

Now, my close friends and even my family members know how addicted I am to Japanese food. Especially sushi (mostly shashimi but I'm willing to make an exception). Imagine playing the game over and over again. Clicking on my favourite salmon slice and ikura (the rest are just so-so) ingredients to prepare for the customer. By the Thursday night, I was craving for sushi like a druggie clamoring for his next high. Unfortunately it was too late and all the Japanese shops were already closed.

But that's not exactly considered an addiction. I have been free of the game since I made the Top 10 (unless I realise I've been bumped down), so no, that's not the addiction I'm talking about here.

My first addiction was no thanks to Cheesie. Thanks (or should it be no thanks?) to her obsession with it, it sparked my curiosity to try the darn thing. Don't believe me? Check out her feed for entries with mentaiko in it. Even most of the Google search via Images were from her blog.

This was somewhere towards the end of 2009. I was literally googling sites in Malaysia where I could get my hands on it. At that point, there where very few hits from Malaysia (since Cheesie almost always got hers from Japan). I found another blog owner who was a mentaiko lover as well so I left a comment on one of her post and the sweetheart replied and told me I could get it in Jusco plus told me to try Sushi Tei too. At that point I also found two shops that sold the frozen equivalent so I didn't actually go down to Sushi Tei to try until... (*aiyah*... the stupid game got to me la...)

Finally made my way down to Sushi Tei last Friday (yes, alone... why cannot is it?) to sample the various mentai available. Usually for Japanese food my usual companion is Huntress aka "the lou kong" (we're both straight, serious) since secondary school. No one else could match my insane appetite for sushi as well as she could but I opted to go alone this time around because...

You see ah, this woman very the particular about the places she eats (worse than me) and after our very disappointing movie at Tropicana City, she has since banned that place. So I had better check it out first before I even tell her about it (yes, that particular). Sushi places we've banned were Sakae, 1Utama, all Sushi King outlets and Sakae at Sunway was lucky they didn't strike out with us yet. But they're dangling by a thread at the moment. I personally don't know what all the excitement is about with Sushi Zanmai cos I find their food so-so only plus the queue is such a turn off.

So to Tropicana City it was for me, late afternoon on a Friday. Kinda just woke up from bed and figured I'd better satiate my craving before I go completely mad. So it was there where I finally fueled my addiction for mentaiko, followed by yet another addiction...

See as I was sitting there. All by myself, of course got other patrons (who looked at me funny prolly due to the fact I was alone, with an aircast and took 3 plates of different looking salmons) around la... The three plates consists of salmon sashmini (yummy, yummy thick slices), salmon roll with 3 different kinds of roe and of course the salmon mentai. Sitting at the conveyor belt was absolute orgasm just watching the arrays of mentais passing me (mainly salmon mentai, ebi mentai and tamago mentai).

I decided to take a look at the menu and see what other things they offered (the belt seemed to focus more on salmon... dunno was it on promo or something). And to my delight there were oodles of dishes served with mentai (Sakae only had one I think). I decided to order the kani mentaiyaki which was some crab shell with some crabmeat (I think) stuffed into it and top with oodles of mentaiko... <3<3<3

I tell you orgasm kao-kao-the-kao-kao x infinity to the max. I was contemplating another mentaiko dish when I noticed this...

Uni....!!! Also known as sea urchin (yea the same thing that stuck on the villain's butt and causing him to spasms in some Jackie Chan action movie)... Don't know how it looks like? Nah...

I tell you I don't know how to express my sheer and utter delight. I've seen some food channel thingy on WLT and I was curious as to how it tasted. And I think that was ages ago and I was still unable to find it in the menu of the other sushi haunts Malaysia have to offer.

Or maybe it was there but I didn't know that Japanese outlets carries them and also didn't know the Japanese name for it. Since Sushi Tei had the English explaination my face literally lit up in delight. But I almost died when I saw the that a plate of uni sushi was priced at RM28 and the sashimi RM60/90++... The temaki being the cheapest at RM19.80 (I think.. *aiya*... around there la) so I opted for the temaki.
*Ooooohhh...* Have you ever seen such a beautiful thing in your life???

A closer view perhaps??? (This was actually my second uni temaki)... (-_-)"

And that my friends, is my latest addition on top of salmon, salmon kamaage, ikura, shishamo and mentaiko... I really don't know how to explain the texture and the flavour but most sites state that uni is an acquired taste and I guess so cos "the lou kong" didn't like the slimy texture (I brought her there on Sunday). But to me it's absolutely heavenly heaven above.

Shit. Writing this post is making me crave it again... Contemplating to try the sashimi this time around. I wonder if they allow me to take-away so I can eat one heavenly slice every day... (I'd prolly finish it by the time I reach home).

I know. I'm so useless... So easily tempted... and addicted...

Such an Eyesore...

2010-02-10T17:57:00.001+08:00

Over the weekend, I went to the temple with my mom to offer dana to our ancestors and departed family members. Now, what I don't comprehend is that year after year, each year when I visit the temple during major events (like Wesak Day) I'm bound to see woman/ladies/girls (you get the idea) clad in spaghetti tops and super short shorts walking about the temple grounds going about making their offerings to the deity. IN THEIR FRIGGING SHORTS!!!

Now, I'm not saying I'm holier than thou.. nor am I implying that I myself don't wear above said items. Just that when it comes to places like shrines and temples (not too sure about churches tho... can anyone enlighten me?) I refrain from wearing anything revealing. If it's something that happend impromptu than probably I'd say fair 'nuff but seriously... on Wesak Day??? It's even listed on the damned calendar as a holiday.

Even when we visit places like Thailand or Vietnam for example, and we want to pay a visit to their temples or shrines we'd either have to cover up with a sarong (usually provided by the temple) or if they deem our outfit inappropriate they'd simply refuse to let us enter. We can go back another day when we're decently dressed. Why shouldn't the same rule apply here? Aren't the deities situated in the temple the same as the one we have back home? I don't think so.

As I woman, I too favor wearing my racerback tees and 3/4 pants over the weekend when I'm running about my errands but if I know there's a visit to the temple in the itinerary I'd opt for something with more coverage. I think the 3/4 pants are still ok as they cover the knees but anything above that I try not to wear.

I still recall two years back when I was invited to witness the engagement of a friend held in a Hindu temple. No doubt I still wore a sleeveless saree (cos I checked they said it was still acceptable cos mine was cut in a rather old-fashioned way) and one of my friend's relatives came and ask me why did I wear such a conservative saree instead of opting for the more modern (tube, backless, halter, strappy... you get my drift) blouse piece. I simply replied if the event was held anywhere other than a temple I'd definately opt for a more modern piece. If I don't wear such clothings to the temple I go to, I will not wear them to the other religious places either.

They always say, do unto your neighbour as you would be done to (or something like that) so I may not be a devout Buddhist (so says my mother) but it's the little things like these that are more important than the thousands of incense sticks your burn, the hours you spent meditating or the amount donated to aid the place will all end up with nothing because one fail to even adhere to the main fundamental aspects of first respecting the place you worship and cover up that cleavage and mile long legs... One hour or so won't kill ya...

~...My Valentine's Day...~

2010-01-19T11:39:00.009+08:00

I looked at the date on my calendar, it reads 14th February 2010 beside it was the words Chinese New Year. I sigh to myself and resign to the fate that there's no way on earth I'm going to be able to get myself out of going out with the man of my dreams to celebrate the day of lovers. Why, oh why did V-Day have to fall on the first day of CNY???

It was always a rule in the family that during the first day of CNY we are not to go out as we busied around the house getting ready for the visit from throngs of relatives and mindless gambling. And the relatives, they do arrive of course. Families after families... Same old questions, smiling til the sides of my jaws ache. Now don't tell me about the joy of receiving red packets. After a certain age, you kinda feel pai seh to even take the red packet because that would just mean you're still not married.

This year is even worse. Previous years I managed to somewhat hide behind my eldest cousin as he still haven't tied the knot with his girlfriend so the spotlight was off me. However, he got married end of 2009 and so now the eldest unwed person of my generation falls to me.
As I sit resigned to my fate the doorbell rang again. With a heavy heart I went to get the door. Most likely another set of relatives to further torment me with the same questions all over again.

My, was I surprised to see him standing there.
Looking absolutely gorgeous in his leather outfit was none other than Patrick Dempsey, standing at my door holding a bouquet of my favorite roses.
Champagne coloured roses. He knows I have no patience for the conventional red rose. Velvety smooth in texture but lacks in fragrance. Yes, champagne roses were my all time favourite next to lilies of the valley...

I smiled a sad smile and told him the predicament I was in. He just smiled and nodded his head and went to have a word with my mother. No idea how he managed to persuade her but my mom said yes and after a change of clothes we were off to our destination.

Nothing fancy. As always the restaurants and places were always overpriced and took advantage of Valentine's Day so we decided to go off the beaten track.
The plan was to hike up Bukit Tabur to watch the sunset. Overlooking the Klang river dam and KL skyline it was breathtaking. Literally. No worries of slipping or falling. And it's OK that he's seeing me all dripping with sweat. We're pass all evasiveness anyway. He of course looks dashing no matter what.

After we've finished the short climb (usually takes about 3-4hours), we'd adjourn for a simple dinner and back to his place (naturally as I still live with my mother) where he proceeds to rub away all the aches and pains from the hike to end the day on a blissful note.

~The End~

P.S. Please note that the above content is purely fictional because I would like to get tickets to watch "Valentine's Day" courtesy of Nuffnang. Hopefully I can also get the exclusive items although I do realize my entry is a tad late... Please, please, please let me win... *crosses fingers, toes, arms and legs*P.P.S. To baby, I still love you and you only OK... so please don't emo me for this post. I really want them tickets and exclusive items.

~...Occupational Hazard - Part 2...~

2009-09-30T16:24:00.004+08:00

After I wrote my first entry on the occupantional hazard present at my current work location, that sparked off another idea for a post to blog about. Although I've taken the pictures a lot earlier (well, somewhere between after that first post and this), I've only just had time to blog about it this time around...

This current entry revolves around my sitting area. I've never had a window seat in all my previous job locations so this time around I figured I would like to sit at the window seat for a change. Big mistake...

Due to the nature of the layout, the divider that separates the tables... It's front and back divider.... Em, not sure how to explain but that's beside the point. The point here is that blasted divider. Now, sitting beside the window has it pros and cons. Obviously the perks are on a clear day, i.e. no sun... you get to see the view although in my case all I get is the crummy car park and the stupid buildings so closely situated together they could be joined at the hip. Ok. I'm exaggerating. But at least it's something to look other than concrete walls no?

Now on a sunny day, we would definitely need a shade or else the glare from the sun would make it almost impossible to see the laptop screen clearly. Naturally, the office provides us with shades so there shouldn't be a problem right? Wrong.

It just so happens the position of my place plus the divider does not enable the shutters to close all the way. By all the way I mean until the window sill. This provides a teeny, tiny gap and although most of the time the sun stays out of my work area, it's during the late afternoon where the problem arises.

See the gap? That little black line behind the calendar is the divider. And that's where the sun manages to peek in to wreck havoc on my life... Don't look menacing? Or maybe I'm complaining too much about a tiny thing?

Let's see how it fares now... Yep. The sun rays stretch all the way to my laptop as you can see it's already quite far away from the edge. No, I can't move it back any farther. I have another colleague sitting right next to me and I'd be taking up her space too. Plus I also need space to move my mouse around at a comfortable distance.

Please excuse my obscenely messy desk. Being on project means we don't own a pedestal to lock away all our stuff so everything is on the table. Initially I used to put my laptop bag at the side (see where my handbag is) and my handbag used to sit after my lappie bag. But that took up too my space and I ended up with not enough place to write (if I ever need to... not often but I do at some time).

Another colleague told me a story during one of her other projects where someone sat at a window seat. Apparently after a while one side of the consultant's face was noticeably darker than the other side... o.O

What!!!... Seriously you must be kidding me... Half dark, half fair??? I'm already quite tanned for a Chinese... I don't want to be any darker!!!... I'd wish someone had told me sooner... (_ _ )"

No chance in changing seats now as most of the seats are already taken up. *sobs* ... I hope after the project ends I don't end up with yin-yang skin... (>.<)

~...About a Year Ago...~

2009-09-15T12:21:00.005+08:00

Seems to me these days my posts are limited to once a month. I noticed the last time I blogged was Aug 14 and today's Sep 15... it's purely coincidence alright. I didn't plan it.

But over my quite eventful (more than usual) weekend, something occurred to me and I decided to blog about it.

Last week, most of my time was consumed (between working) and debating with myself if I should:
(a) Watch T-Music Festival courtesy of Nuffnang or;
(b) Give up the tickets and attend my friend's birthday dinner (which I already RSVPed)

After much deliberation, I decided to opt for the latter even though I was:
(a) Broke shitless and can't afford a present (no thanks to a blacklisted summons I had to pay in order to renew my road tax)
(b) Broke shitless I can't afford to eat out...
(c) I really wanted to go for the concert... (>.<)
But I decided she's hardly ever in MY and I guess her birthday is more important than any concert no matter who the performer is.

Of course I would've offered to bring her with me but the fact remains was, the invite was extended to the whole group of her friends and everyone already confirmed their attendance... so no whisking her away with me. Am not that selfish.

So... I gave up the tickets... *sobs*. So nobody better tell me what happened... 'Course I did read a wee bit on it in Cheesie's site but she didn't really elaborate much so... *phew*... Still, nobody better come rubbing it in my face.

Of course me being me (and also for the fact I couldn't really afford a present neither did I know what to get her) of course I had to rub it in her face. Hey, no point playing martyr if no one knows about it. But of course I didn't make it sound sooooo bad and make her feel bad (well at least I hope not... I did not right Kat?)... I jz announced that this year there'll be no present from me cause the present I gave her is my presence at her dinner party... which should be the best thing but truth be told I haven't really been myself lately so I can be kinda drag to be around.

Not to mention the party was on my better half's birthday eve and I was overcome with guilt because I failed to celebrate his bday with him last year because my car decided to emo me a day earlier and this year I failed to do so again due to erm... erm... circumstances.

What I noticed this year at Kitty's party was this... Last year around the same time... the both of us were still singletons. Come this year we've both found someone to call our own (although last year, her special someone was also present at the get-together but they weren't seeing each other - yet... I think)

A lot has happened in a year. More things to blog about but never found the time to. will do so soon... :P

~...Thought for the Weekend...~

2009-08-14T12:00:00.003+08:00

Are you one of those people who uses iGoogle? If you do, do you add any gadgets?

Well I do and among the gadgets I added apart from my Gmail and Google Reader, I have Things to Ponder and Chinese Proverb Quotes. I won't really go into much detail about the latter but the statement on Things to Ponder for today was somehow quite true.

The statement was this...

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?

I immediately tried to stifle my laughter (I am in the office after all) when I realise how absolutely true this statement was... I don't know about the rest of you, but I do notice that everytime when I'm looking for a unfamiliar or new place I'd automatically turn down the volume on the radio and I can't explain why... it's just an automated action.

I wonder is it because I think I might be able to find the address faster with the volume turned down or the fact that I can concentrate better with the music off. But does it really? Or it is some subconscious trigger that prompts us to do so?

I wonder if anyone else does the same thing or if I'm the only weird person around that feels this statement applies to them... Happy Weekend!!!

~...Occupational Hazard...~

2009-08-13T10:16:00.006+08:00

I was driving home yesterday when I felt a really bad itch along my right thigh. Being any normal person, I scratched the itch whilst driving. While scratching I realised there was a very obvious bump where the itch was so I was quite disturbed that the bump could get so big in such a short time. I made a mental note to remind myself to check it properly later (couldn't see, was wearing pants) in case it was an allergic reaction. Which was weird, considering the fact that I was wearing pants to work yesterday and I have not gone anywhere at all ('cept being stuck in the office and going back home straight after)... much... well, at least not as often as I used to. I think my mom is very pleased with the fact I'm home so much these days. I don't even go to gym for crying out loud...

Well, I sorta forgot all about the bump but I did... eventually, before I went to bed. So I went to the mirror to check it out (mental note to self - must put up my full length mirror. SOON). I mean if it was really a allergy I'd have to go to the clinic to get antihistamine before it spreads. I noticed it wasn't a rash bump but a very oddly shaped one at that... it looked like the closing end of a bracket... ) ...

Now for the life of me, I can't quite figure out where or how the hell I got it... so I decided to check my left thigh to see if there's a similar indentation there. And there was... (o.O)

I really couldn't figure it out at the time so I kept turning left and right and checking the indentations on my thighs... until it finally hit me...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

...

!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that was how I felt at that time OK...

Now, anyone who's worked with me knows I have this one particular habit (apart from the fact I like to talk a lot... make a nuisance outta myself... hug, ok suffocate... random people...), I like sitting crossed-legged. It's a more comfortable position for me to sit in than the rest and I can sit for hours like that (until either one of my feet falls asleep)... I've been sitting like this at all my workplace ever since I started working (I'm blessed that most of the time my desk/chair is huge enough to hide the fact)...

So why do I call it occupational hazard?

See, I've been sitting like this for as long as I can remember and I have never had any discomfort from sitting this way. Mainly because the offices I work in provide really huge ass chairs for us and I can comfortably cross my leg without my legs touching the armrest (somehow it always fits just right) or I can adjust the armrest height so that it doesn't obstruct my legs. That is... until now...

From day one I joined this new company (another story, another day), we're assigned to work on site (at client's offices)... The first thing I noticed were how puny the chairs were... I mean, these chairs were by far the smallest (OK la, I might've exagerated a tad it's not that small) I've had to sit and work from since I started working.

It looks like it's catered more for Asians. I think anyone who is double my size would have a problem sitting comfortably in this for 8 hours a day. The armrest is fixed so I can't adjust it in any other way and everytime I sit cross-legged (I'm really not comfortable sitting the conventional way), my thighs will dig into the armrest. And since I have thunder thighs, I now have a permanent groove on the sides of each thigh...

I really hope it goes away soon... *sobs*

Apart from this, the chair really isn't comfortable... ever since I've been working here... after work my butt hurts. Seriously I'm telling you. Some colleagues complain of back ache but I have butt ache... No idea why. Occupational hazard... They should consider changing their chairs to that of a better quality one.

On a side note, a colleague of mine passed this link around. I find it amusing so I decided to post it up. Check it out... Cheers...

*Psst... only one more day to go before the weekend (^^)

A Breath of Fresh Air...

2009-08-12T17:43:00.004+08:00

Finally managed to find a nice site to change my blog template. Best of all it's free... I have yet to change the header picture. No idea what to put as yet... but I kinda like it as it is... simple and nice with my favourite colour as the highlight.

It's high time I started blogging more often. Looking at my archives I can't believe I've only written 6 posts for 2009 and we're already down to half a year more. I do have a lot of things to blog about, we'll see how things go.

Alright. End of my mindless chatter. Cheers (^^)

Sleepless Nights...

2009-08-10T02:45:00.001+08:00

I can't believe I'm having trouble sleeping again... I've been rolling about in bed for the past 2 and a half hours. Not good considering I have to be at work by 9...

I've tried tiring myself out by watching Evan Almighty and the first episode of Desperate Housewives... Net was shitty as usual so I couldn't Facebook... Read two chapters of Paul Coelho's Veronika Decides to Die... God knows how many rounds of Text Twist and Big 2 on my mobile... Made a long distance call to da bf to complain that I can't sleep only to have him nag me about sleeping early... Updated my status on FB n Twitter from my mobile... And now succumbing to writing a blog entry using Word Mobile... Man, how pathetic can one be?

I think by the time this entry is done, Imma gonna be a pro at messaging on a touch screen...

I need to sleep... (@_@)

I blame the horrendous weather!!! I don't want to be nocturnal... I can't function properly during the day like this... Imma gonna get a sore thumb after this...

I WANNA SLEEP ALREADY!!!

Doggone it...

In-Laws from Hell...

2009-07-19T17:07:00.005+08:00

Ever heard of stories on nosy in-laws who poke their noses into the newly weds life and cause so much havoc between the two lovebirds that it evidently leads to a divorce?

So far in my course of life I'm thankful that these incidents were only limited to hearing stories from a third party or by watching Chinese dramas such as "War of the In-Laws". I'm not married so I don't have any in-laws to worry about. Well, not yet anyway.

My previous ex whom I lived with for 5 years together with his parents. Well, they were accommodating to say the least. The mom was quite easy to live with as long as I'd wash the dishes every night if I'm the last one at the dinner table (which was usually the case working in the accounting industry then) and once in a while when they leave for holidays during the weekend (working so I can't follow) I'd help her out with cleaning the house and ironing the clothes.

All in all a pleasant experience. Sure there were squabbles now and then but I still loved her like my own. And still do.

So it kinda me when I realised that know someone who will soon be branded (if not already) as a dreaded in-law.

Someone, let's call them A, who's to tie the know with their other half somewhere end of 2009. Although this piece of news came as a shock to me (well, A has only just finish studying not too long ago and career wise still a freshie) as I know A to not be one to jump on the band-wagon with their career path still fresh. Noting that A and the future other half have been living together since they both got back from completing their studies.

I guess it made sense to them since the other half is not a local and A's mom already got a place for A. I later got wind that it wasn't the wishes of both the couple but that of A's mom that they tied the knot. Probably because they have been living together for 2 years now (I think) and because the mom was well known for her tongue, she didn't want to be ridiculed the same way she did me when I moved into my ex's place with the parents without tying the knot. Smart woman. She knows what goes around comes around.

On a side note, forcing two couples to tie they knot when they're not ready is just not right. Just because you don't want to lose face in front of your friends and family. Update a bit la... it's not the 80's anymore. People are evolving and so is their mindsets.

Anyway, it's not my place to judge. If A can't seem to stand up for themselves who are we to comment right? I got the latest development on the planning (yes, unfortunately we're related in some way) of the wedding. A's mom called me early in the morning. A call which I did not answer as I was rushing for work.

I guess she called the house cos as I was going out mom asked me if I'm bringing the bf along for the dinner. Mom wasn't that keen because she didn't want A's mom to start gossiping how my bf isn't of the same race and I didn't know the bf's schedule then so we decided that he doesn't have to attend.

I know A's mom was the one who's deciding where the venue was going to be held. She was after all paying for the wedding... I hope A at least had a say or is somewhat ok with the venue. Later I learnt that not only is the mom deciding where the wedding is to be held, she's also butting her head into the wedding arrangements which otherwise should be the duty of the bride like, the wedding invitations... bride's gown (wtf???)... the liquor to be served... the photo shoot (double wtf!!!)...

To the extend that the other half was wondering if she's getting married or the mother. I can understand her frustrations. I mean, it's a once in a lifetime (if you're lucky) thingy and obviously I would want the wedding to be done the way I want it to be. Not to show my friends that I can show them up (that's what A's mom is doing).

All in all I pity A... he's sandwiched between a mother who doesn't realise that wedding preparation should be left to the couple and NOT the parents and the wife who's getting more and more irritated with the mother's inability to realise that this isn't her wedding to plan.

Seriously if I had in-laws (or God forbids, my own mother) try and put their opinions and make me feel like I OWE it to them to do it their way and not mine... I'd rather elope. I hope things work out with A. I know how drama his mom can be. But if he can't stand up to her now... I can't see how the marriage will last (I'm sorry, I'm honest) if he's always a Yes man to the mom. Either that or that woman should realise that even though she clothe and fed him to this age. It's time to let go or forever risk losing him if one day the bubble bursts.

From the way I see it, it's either on A's end... or the wife's... unless the wife's as understanding as him (which I highly doubt it... every girl's dream is to have the wedding SHE's always dreamed off... not someone else's)... Elope dude... Or just register and get it over and done with... save yourself all the hassle and drama...

What The EFF Is WRONG With You People?

2009-06-22T17:07:00.006+08:00

Sometimes I can't seem to comprehend the human mind. Especially that of a woman's. Don't get me wrong, I am one after all but maybe just not quite on the same wavelength as most.

This has been going on for quite some time now and I've remained fairly silent through all this back stabbing as it really doesn't affect me much one way or the other. To be fair, it was done on a very minimal level that I still find it all tolerable so I kept quiet.

But these women has seriously stretched my tolerance level to the limit and I can no longer just sit quietly and pretend nothing happened.

You know what they say about "An Idle Mind is A Devil's Workshop". Recently I've come to learn that this statement as absolutely true. These women seriously have nothing better to do with their time that they've taken a passion about gossiping about others be it true or not. I expect it of housewives as they just have so much time on their hands. But women who are working professionals? Surely you all should be smarter than that to pass on mindless gossip much less be part of it.

Gossips do reach my ears time and time again but mostly I just listen and just let it be. I don't pass something on whether or not it's true. It's not my story to pass on. I respect people's right to privacy. That's more than I can say for these mindless airheads.

First you all speculate that I'm romantically involved with this one instructor. And you gossip amongst yourselves behind my back and don't have the guts to come up and ask me straight up. And pretend to be my friend. Yeah right. With friends like you all who needs enemies. You all know full well the penalty for these said instructors and yet you still gossip away. And when head count is cut (I can't validate that these are the reasons they haven't returned but it very well could be possible) you all make a huge ruckus to the media and don't even have the bloody guts to comment using your own name. What do you have to hide?

You all have no brains whatsoever. I really don't mind that you all just love showering your attention on me. Really I don't anything from this. But think through that thick head of yours when your precious and only instructor goes back and doesn't return. You all point fingers to the management but fail to realise you too play a part in this whole drama you all created. Ever heard the term walls have ears you morons?

What a bunch of idiots.

Let me explain what sparked my anger. I've always been closer to guys compared to girls. These morons. Apparently live in the dinosaur age as to them, if a guy and girl is close... there has to be something going on between the two. They linked me to one of the instructors. I kept quiet because I didn't want to cause him any trouble.

The last straw was when I brought one of the boys with me to class during the weekend. He just finished his exams and was bored so I dragged him along to class with me. Of course I introduced him to them out of politeness. I know what was going on in those airhead mind of theirs. Naturally they didn't disappoint.

Come end of class in the ladies locker room where my friend was definately out of earshot these women came and asked me if he was my boyfriend. Now, what does it matter to them if he was or wasn't right? Since he really isn't. I told them no, we're just friends. Can you believe it when these hussies said no way we're just friends. We're too close to be friends. THEY think he likes me. They, who've met him for like what... one and a half hours???

Like I don't know better. We're just really close. Like brother/sister close. But no, to them there's no way a guy and a girl can be close without any sexual innuendos. Well I hate to burst your bubble people but it does happen. And besides, I don't owe you any frigging explanation. Who are you to me but mere strangers that I just so happen to cross path with. Come five years down the line (maybe 3) I won't even remember your name, much less how you look like. You're nothing to me.

So lay off all the ridiculous gossip before someone losses their job. People have worked really hard to earn a decent living here and have a family to feed back home. Can you seriously have it on your conscience when they lose their jobs and their families goes without food all because you guys just wanted some form of entertainment in your otherwise mundane life?

Really think about it the next time you gossip about mindless things. Go mind your own business already.

P.S. I'm not directly referring to the person who went to the media. She has always kept out of the all drama that goes around. Besides, Siapa makan cili, dia yang terasa pedas.

Definately Something Brewing...

2009-06-18T11:19:00.005+08:00

I've been meaning to post this somewhere in May, but as usual other things got in the way and I haven't been updating my blog. In fact, I think most of my regular readers have also disappeared (not that I blame them). Actually might be better for me this way.

Anyway, somewhere end of May, someone changed their status message (or probably sent us messages, I can't remember now) and asked us to check out Malay Mail online. Apparently there was some issue with a gym member with some gym centre and someone from the gym I go to posted up her comments on the deteriorating services of this gym we went to. Read the post here (read the comments too).

That sparked a follow up from Malay Mail (no idea how they went about it). The post for that is here.

I guess everything sort of tickled my funny bone. I mean the first complaint was about this lady's gym membership being cancelled without her knowledge but the latter sparks a more interesting topic of conversation. I'm sure everyone must be wondering what the hype is all about, I mean they are complaining about one of the many facilities provided by the centre.

Well, here's my two cents (although I'm sure I'll get into some sort of trouble for this).

I have been a member with this centre from day one the centre opened it's branch in Subang. I think easily I've been with them for 5 years (membership ends mid next year). In the beginning I only went for the GX classes and the machines as I only signed up for weekend package (was working double jobs at that time) and they didn't offer the yoga studio classes with the package.

Then along the way when I no longer worked double jobs, I switched my membership to home full package. I can't exactly when I started Bollywood and Fusion Dance. I sorta stumbled upon it one day when Bellyjam was cancelled at the last minute and since I'm not so much of a machine person, I decided to check out the Fusion class that was going on at the other side.

I was perpetually lost for that first day but I kinda enjoyed myself so I began planning my time around to incorporate classes that I liked. See, over the years I've gotten bored with the GX classes provided by most gyms. There's nothing more boring than dancing in a cheorograph step that doesn't quite jive with the song or the same steps for months... (the horror)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming to be a superb dancer but imagine they have some really nice club music and the steps are so 1... 2... 3... 4... basic. Can die of boredom ok. So many times my feet and the steps just don't sync because I've been trained to listen to beats in music (piano lessons at an early age does help some) and the steps just don't quite... *argh*... difficult to explain.

Then I stumbled upon this lovely, lovely class that not only changes every month... the steps are mostly there to define the meaning of the song. Sometimes I can't even get my hands and feet to move in sync with the music because of the super fast beats (bollywood songs what do you expect?). Then, we had 2 dance instructors. Each with their own unique sense of style.

The one who's mostly based in Subang had a more traditional style of teaching whilst the other (who only taught in Subang on Sundays and Mondays) based mostly in Hartamas had a more contemporary modern feel to his steps. They really breathe new life into the songs and I actually found myself stopping all GX Classes just so I can slot in time to accommodate their classes (ei, 4 classes with 4 different songs and steps already mind boggling ok).

Then 2 years ago I made the switch from home (Subang) membership to passport. It made more sense as I've moved back home and although Hartamas was a much nearer option compared to Subang but I still chose passport membership because it was faster for me to access the Subang gym after work (rush hour traffic, NPE). Well, that was then. When the Subang instructor went back for holiday I decided to upgrade. Doesn't make any sense to go to the gym only twice a week and with the change, I can keep my Sunday gym-free.

Even that sparked some gossip around the gym ok (I'll explain it next time). Anyway along the way I dropped the Subang class altogether because although the instructor was really good at what he was doing, it just wasn't my style. Now the Subang dance instructor has gone back to India and there's no news as to when he'll be returning. The gym keeps promising soon, soon, soon... but they've been gone since March and none of them (read the link) has returned as yet.

Yoga I can't really comment on the facilities now as I haven't been going for yoga since... f-o-r-e-v-e-r... but the dance class is only being manned by one really tired and overworked instructor. I don't think the classes has increased but imagine all the running back and forth between centres... there's bound to be a burnout. Not enough dance classes for working class people at nights... Subang members wants more night classes... Hartamas wants more night classes... everybody wants more of this, more of that (me? I just run to whichever centre there's a class... new office location veli strategic)

I can't remember how many times I had to miss a class because I didn't realise they changed the schedule (again)... not to mention looking like a bleeding idiot when I go to a centre and they ask, "Which class?"... "Dance"... "There's no dance tonight miss"... "........."

Embarrassing. And by that time it's mostly already too late to make it to the other side of PJ for class so I'd just do some light exercise, shower and go home. Seems they don't realise not all of us like to take the printed timetables provided (I'm trying to go paperless)... they hardly ever update their website on time (a hassle for us working...) how the f*** do you expect me to know there's a change in the schedule when I don't run to both centres every-single-freaking-day-and-there's-no-update-on-the-website...

Last I heard, the current instructor is also due back to India for his yearly holiday and his visa is expiring. Don't know what's the status of that but apparently they're getting one of the instructor from SG to come down for that 3 weeks he's away... I suspect... There'll be more issues to come in the near future... As usual, I prefer to stand on the sidelines and just watch the "show"... Doesn't really make a difference to me. Not planning to renew my membership after this. Will definately miss the dance class but the customer service really turns me off... Don't get me started on the other issues.

Til next time...

What's Your Poison? Ebooks or Paperbacks?

2009-06-04T16:02:00.000+08:00

For those who didn't know, I'm a closet bookworm. Seriously...

I actually picked up the habit while I was a child. Am not too sure why I got into that habit as none of my family members are fans of reading.

Anyway, there's a set of books I'm really aching to buy. To the extend I've been combing the web to check out the price and compare it with the price in the bookshops over here. This would surprise most of my close friends as I don't usually buy books. I'd rather rent than to buy unless that book really captures my fancy. Even then, I'd normally opt for paperbacks as opposed to hardcover due to the price factor.

Some people say paperbacks get worn out easily but none of my collection of paperback are in too bad of a shape. I'd normally wrap them up in clear plastic wrap (or I get someone else to do it for me) and make sure I try not to get any crease lines into the books. This means any friends thinking of loaning my book have to take extremely good care of it as I will nag them to no end before handing them the book. This also means I don't allow people to dog-ear my books (neither do I do it to any of the books I rent).

Now if the book is really too thick, I'd opt for hardcover because it's almost impossible not to get any crease lines into them and a nightmare to wrap.

Ok, I went off-topic as I usually do.

Back on track. While I was searching the web and I came across countless offerings from Malaysia but none provided the actual books to be bought off the internet (minus the hassle of me trying to find a parking at The Curve and then getting side-tracked by all the lovely books at Borders).

Most were offering ebooks on their websites. Now as and avid reader I've never quite taken a fancy to reading ebooks. I'd rather be reading a paperback/hardcover at any given time. I still have a number of ebooks on my laptop that I have not quite gotten past the first ten pages (which is an abomination for me).

Society has gotten so advanced over the years that now we needn't buy/rent books and can easily google it online and save a copy into our PCs or PC phones and read whenever and wherever (minus the bulk of the book depending on the number of pages in that particular model).

So I was a tad bummed I couldn't order the book but the option of getting it on ebook didn't quite appeal to my fancy (although I was seriously contemplating to as I really wanted to start reading it). I was discussing with two of my colleagues and while one told me to just go ahead and get the ebook, the other said getting the paperback (or in this case, hardcover) was the better option.

We were having a friendly debate on which option was the better of the two. Get the ebook and finally be able to read that darn book that has been haunting my dreams and waking hours or wait til my schedule is less busy so I can shimmy down to Borders to get it (no idea how much it's gonna burn a hole in my pocket).

We were saying how nothing can compare to the lovely scent of the new book and how the fragrant rise up as we flip through the pages. It was just so satisfying to run our finger through a newly bought book. With ebooks you don't get that. Only the blank screen or maybe the burnt smell of my laptop's batteries... lol.

The other thing I don't fancy about ebooks is the fact that I have to remember which page I stopped at and sometimes it takes me forever to find the last page I read as I have short term memory loss. More often than not, I find myself skimming the pages to reread and if the lines are familiar I'd move on to the next page until I find the correct page. None of this hassle with books. All you need is a bookmark (or some people like to dog-ear the books instead, whichever strikes your fancy). I needn't waste precious minutes trying to locate a page when all I have to do is to refer to the bookmark (there's a reason they were created).

Did I even mention the fact that nothing beats curling up in a nice cosy sofa or bed with a good book and good lighting? You certainly can't do that with an ebook. No matter how small the device of your choice to read your ebook it isn't quite as comfortable. Trust me I know. I've tried so hard to find a comfortable position trying to read on both my laptop and my phone and nothing beats the comfort of a book.

And with ebooks (especially when you're reading via your pocket PC) it's really frustrating when you want to see how many pages more you have to go before the next chapter. I don't know about you, but I have a habit of never really being able to put down a good book so I usually compromise by telling myself I'd finish a chapter before closing it. If I didn't, I'd probably read til the morning sun shone through my window.

Usually all I have to do when it's getting late and I want to stop at a proper stopmark, I'd put my finger on the current page I'm reading and skim through to see how many pages I have to go before I hit the next chapter. If it's too many then I'd compromise by stopping at breaks in the chapter (hopefully). No such thing with an ebook. I'd have to remember the page, scroll down and scroll back up (or use the "go to page" option)... with my phone, I'd have to keep clicking the next button. It's frustrating!!!

I don't know. Call me old fashion but I still prefer tradisional reading books to ebooks although ebooks do come in handy at times of boredom. I'm currently reading one of the books I'm itching to get although this copy is not published as yet (hey, I got it from the author's site so it's legal and I'm not distributing it to anyone else). I have to make do with this for the moment until I can get my hands on the first book she wrote.

I'm already going cock-eyed by reading such fine print on my touch phone and my finger has gone numb from scrolling left-right, up-down... even my screen protector has got scratch marks already (it wasn't there before) due to the heavy usage of scrolling I've been doing on it... (>.<)

I really should go out and get the book before I increase the power on my contacts again. As it is, mine is already super high...

So what's your pick? ebooks or paperbacks?

Cheerios... :)

The Year That Was...

2009-01-01T00:54:00.000+08:00

2008

It was the year of many new beginnings and endings. Things that I truly cherish close to my heart and have slowly but surely shaped me into a different person. As a tribute to close of a wonderful year is a collage of everything that made 2008 the most memorable year for me thus far.

To FamilyLove them or hate them... They're a big part of me. This year some relationship ties have been forged. Namely with my sweet cousin Mae who resides in New Zealand. For the first time in my life, I went out for an outing with my cousins. Will it be the last. Don't know...

I now make a conscious effort to attend any family function be it big or small. Even if I can only stay for a moment...

To my uncle Louis who just got married, it was a surprise for us that with his condition managed to find someone to love. Make me feel that if we believe enough in it... All beings have their destined partner. May you have everlasting happiness...

To ColleaguesWho are mad and absolutely wonderful... you guys make coming to work something I look forward to everyday now. From birthdays to farewell and just random outings be it skytrekking... clubbing... rockclimbing... house parties... makes the office a cherrier and fun place to work at...

To My Dearest MatesWe've had some fun didn't we? The trip to Port Dickson to celebrate Lili's birthday although it did end in sadness as we had 2 rush back to attend MSK's dad's sudden departure... Celebrating Ben's birthday and totally got sloshed after hearing the new's that my son Tazzy (cat la) wasn't going to make it through the night... to sleeping only four hours completely zonked and getting ready in record time to make it to MSK's wedding (with me absolutely reeking of alcohol)... who's now expecting a baby due somewhere in March 2009.

It saddens me that one of us have decided to leave the picture and I'm afraid these shots will be the last ones I see of the four of us together. Am not sure what happened between you all. You gals where the ones who were there at the lowest point of our lives... each and every one of us... had some form of comfort from the other at our darkest times. I wish we could all learn to forgive and forget because the things we've gone through together should be stronger than whatever reason it is that's now keeping us apart...

To My Other FriendsTo HanYie whom I've known the longest. This was the first year after a long while since I went out with you on your birthday.

Khun Udomwit, whom I met the year before (2007) came down to Malaysia for a visit and remembered me and asked the boys at Ford to bring me along. It was nice to see you again.

Celebrating Suzenn's birthday at OleOle Bali with her friends and fiance. Someone I've also met the year before and forge friendship with.

KokHooi, my ex-colleague from DHL-PEN who comes down often and we try to catch up whenever he's down.

Lali, Poven and Pat... people I've not seen in 13 years (primary mates). It was nice to see them all again after all this time...

The surprise belated bash I held for Kathryn at Finn's Bangsar themed "The Perfect Crime". Thanks to the boys at Finn's for helping me pull it off. For Zenn and the gang for putting on such a show and to my bestie... for helping me out.

To Da BoyzMet them in May... college mates of my bestie. Still a mystery to us why she only intro us after so long.

Sham - The glue that holds everyone together. Who held my back when the rest didn't quite accept me in at first. Who believed in me and stood by me even though he's known me for a short while... Miss ya loads now that you're in India... somehow feel like I've lost a second home after you're gone...

Suresh - Also more affectionately known as Su... or Goliath. We've had our share of ups and downs... Ins and outs... Seen you go through torment but didn't feel it was my place to do much. Hurry back from the States so I can bully you again... hahaha...

Ram - The sweet, oh-so-innocent one... What can I say? Where you gone missing huh???

Previn & Ran - No no... Previn's not my bf... neither is any of the guys... I never did manage to take a shot with Ran... he's somewhere in the group shot being lectured from all four corners...

Good times... Bad times... Crazy times... all shared...

Special EventsFor the first time in my life, I spent CNY away from home (got a hell load of shelling from mom for that) to attend Nirmal's engagment in JB. My very first Indian engagement.

Was invited for Baby Shrreya's very first birthday and she's such a doll...

Mapu aka Rajan's wife, Mages gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Whom I visited during Diwali this year... Not that I don't remember the name but I don't remember the spelling so I best not put it up lest you guys kill me for it later.

My ex-colleagues from DHL got married. First was Farul whom I suddenly received a surprise sms invite to attend his wedding. Naturally I accepted his invitation...

Elly's wedding. My bestie in DHL. Attended both her weddings in Subang as well as the one in Seremban...

Nirmal's wedding at the end of the year... which completely clashed with Hema's brother's wedding and I had to run to two weddings at the same time. Not that it was the first time I had to do it... Seems to me like 2008 was the year I was running to different weddings on the same day.

A New ExperienceMy very first attempt at hiking. Gunung Nuang. A place that broke me so badly that I'm still reconsidering if I should attempt climbing it again.

Bukit Buah Bunga. Attempted just a week after Nuang where I swore I'd never climbed again. Somehow my boss did the reverse psychology on me and I decided to climb again. Wasn't as bad as Nuang... although towards the beginning I did ask myself why I was subjecting myself to that kind off torture so soon after Nuang.

The first two hikes were actually training to gear myself up for Mount Kinabalu. I didn't manage to conquer it. Which was a huge blow to my ego. It really wasn't half as hard as Nuang. Seriously. Just higher. But the terrain wasn't as scary and I found it much easier than the first climb. The thing that hindered my accent to the summit? My lungs. It came to a decision whether my stubborness and ego was more important. Or my health. Being asthmatic (and a chimney smoker), the second climb to the summit was really taxing on my lungs. My doctor told me to not be stubborn if my inhaler didn't have any effect on opening up my lungs... go down. Which I had to do... I decided not to be stubborn... and let my ego be bruised. Cos seriously... it ain't that hard you know... Body can still go on... but lungs can't... I will come back again. That I promise.

Bukit Tabur. First, second and third climb. My favourite hill of all with all the right combination of elements. Although my last climb was worse off than my first (stamina all gone cos I was lazy).

I vow to regain my stamina and climb you again... Photos from Bkt Tabur courtesy of Leong now dubbed my hiking and photography sifu and the only other person I'd let take pictures of me.

Future climbs on my wishlist are Ah Pek San in Cheras... Ulu Yam... Irau in Cameron Highlands... and of course Mount Kinabalu where I will not rest until I've seen the sunset in Laban Rata, sunrise at Low's Peak and decend through Via Ferrata.

No I haven't forgotten you woman... I always save the best for last...

A Renewed Old FriendshipDo you remember this moon? I believe it was the starting point of our crazy adventures. I still remember this night. I was supposed to drop you home after a mamak session with Da Boyz which ended up with us stopping just outside your apartment talking and looking at the moon... Until 8am in the morning where we decided to head over to MacD's for breakkie...

Iweney pretending to be a samurai on the night we went to watch Ironmen... Ahhhh... Absinthe night... were you went to sleep after one measly shot. You suck... hahaha... Kidding babe...

Being the gem you are... to accompany me on my very first hike. Which ended up in you worrying over me like a mother (heck, my own mother didn't even worry) and I can't remember why at the end of it I was pissed off at you... and you, me... until you fell asleep in my car... Nonsense... But oh, the stories...

My birthday at Malaysia's Philharmonic Orchestra. Followed by my very first taste of Snakebite Black at Finn's which soon became our favourite hangout joint. Although now instead of ordering Snakebite, we have Bloody Mary instead. I have to say... you're the only friend I have who is capable of pulling off a birthday for me that I truly enjoyed and didn't even have to lift a finger. Honestly babe, this was the best birthday ever even though it was only spent with you...

Helping Sham's mom to paint his room after he's gone to India. Only decided to call for my help after you and Ram demolished the walls with hammer and scratches. OK la... my bad... I had something else on the night you guys started on it... in the end, Sham's mom had to get professional help to patch back the damage... ROFL...

My very first meeting with your bf... Raya in Raub... I dub that place Prozactown... all I wanna do there is sleep. Not healthy you know... but I had a blast... it was nice to get away from all the city noise... and a trip up to Fraser's... in my car... o.O Naught much to see though. Everything's under construction... stupid place... but had a great time being mad. I remember we actually wanted to drive all the way back to KL for dinner then back again to Raub but cancelled the idea cos your bf had visitors. Shucks.

Ahh... Meeting Francesco... Can't say I'd ever forget getting drenched in the rain with you... then waited for a whole hour and half for him to check out... and then got drenched again... Fell sick after that you know... Our first joyride to Genting Highlands. In the middle of the night... which ended with you and Francesco in an arguement... and me... caught in the middle... You don't do that to me again I tell you... Bringing Francesco to Nirmal's wedding for a taste of Indian wedding... was fun and thanks for going with me. I hate attending these kinda functions alone...

Mad woman... Our second joyride up to Genting. Just you and me... Just because you wanted to have Starbucks and all the outlets in PJ was already closed. Nonsense woman... Then pretending that you lost all your money gambling... Inspired by the woman we saw sleeping on the floor. We had a blast though didn't we?

To The One Who Holds My Heart
Whom I wish to keep his pics off my blog... I can't believe how kind the heavens have been to me. You have been nothing but the sweetest to me although you do like calling me names and I really don't know what to call you without being really mean. And you have a tendency to irk me with your ficklemindedness... but seriously sweets, with all the drama we've gone through this past year I've known you... I'm glad you finally found the courage to tell me that you like me for God only knows there's no way on earth I'd ever tell you that I like you. You know very well why I won't. I'm sorry for being such a brat sometimes. I've not been in a proper relationship for a very long time and I'm trying to remember. Not forgetting the horrible track records in previous relationships have left me scarred. I'm trying to wipe that part out because I know it's not fair that you have to pay for the mistakes others have made. Lastly, thank you for loving me and being so accomodating. I love you loads... always have and I look forward to creating more moments with you in 2009.

The One I Will Never ForgetI remember waking up and reading the sms from Aunt telling me they've gone back to Ipoh for your funeral. I was shocked. You always looked healthy so the news was something I couldn't really stomach. Of all my relatives... you were the one I liked the most. Always smiling... Your cheekiness... and the fact that you don't look at all like a Chinese made me feel closer to you. At least I don't feel like the only one in the family who looked more Malay/mix than pure Chinese. CNY will not ever be the same without your jovial presense. I'm glad I finally decided to forgo my leave for 26th and used it to attend your funeral... A lot of weird things happened after that... Thanks again to Iweney for being there with me throughout the whole journey and the weird experiences. No... I'm not paranoid I tell you...

All in all... 2008 has been a wonderful journey for me and I look forward to the new memories to come in 2009. Uncle Alex will be dearly missed but his memory will stay on forever in the hearts of those who loved him and those he loved.

Blood On My Hands...

2008-11-09T22:14:00.003+08:00

Earlier I ran over a cat by accident. It just darted out from no where and I couldn't avoid it as it was a highway and there were cars from all angle.

I felt and heard the horrendous crack beneath my tyres. No, I wasn't smoking... No, I wasn't on the phone or smsing nor was I speeding. I was only going 60km on a 70km highway and it just darted out. I only saw it because while it ran across the road the headlights of the car beside caught a flash of it darting across the road... It missed that car but mine wasn't so lucky as I was just a few centimetres away from the car next to me. No time to brake or swerve or do anything but to hear the crunch as it got crushed by my wheels.

That sound is still playing in my head. The bump too.

I want to do the right thing. I want to go back and see if it was OK. I didn't even get to see anything from my rearview mirror. There were just too many cars.

I want to take it to bury. But I'm petrified. I can't help imagining it's innards all splashed against my engine. I feel my car is so dirty. I couldn't even get out of my car and sat inside crying for a good 30 minutes. People passing me must think I was mad. I didn't dare to see if there was any blood stains.

When finally got the advice to take my car to a car wash I didn't even look at my car. When I passed the keys to the car wash guy I couldn't help but feel that he knows I ran over a cat. I felt so dirty. Every eye that cast upon me made me feel like they knew I did something horrible.

And even after it was washed... I couldn't help imagining all the blood and innards trickling down the floor. Couldn't even walk on the wet patch.

How then do you ask me to do the right thing when already all these thoughts are in my head when I haven't even seen the body? If I saw it. I'd be worse. Cause I'll be able to identify how and where I hit it. Now at least it's just a guess. But once I have that image... it'll be imprinted in my mind.

I love animals. Heck, I can't even go over an already dead roadkill. I can't look at it. The minute I know there's something dead up front in the road... I always look the other way but mutter a silent prayer. I still remember all the roadkills I saw.

The dog lying in the middle of the road. It's lifeless eyes reflecting at the moon, glaring at me. Even though I didn't kill it. But I didn't have any time to avoid it either... so I went and prayed that my estimations were right and that it passed right through the middle of my car. And I cried that time too. Even though I didn't kill it.

The headless dog... lying at the side of the bridge. It was rush hour traffic... I couldn't move further and the corpse was right beside me. All I could do was close my eyes... stop looking in the rearview mirror until I've passed the bridge. Neither did I kill it. But that image still haunts me.

I want to do the right thing. But even when I see roadkills that I didn't kill... their image burns a hole in my memory. How can I see one, that I single-handedly ran over and not have the whole incident repeating itself in my head. I am trying to drown the sound and the feel.

Please don't give me another image and I will not be able to forget...

I really can't bring myself to drive there and give it a decent burial. I know it makes me seem like such a horrible person... I pray somebody will do the right thing because I didn't have the courage to.

T-R-U-S-T...

2008-11-03T20:05:00.011+08:00

Is so hard to come by...

I have to say, as a person... when I'm meeting new acquaintance... I may be friendly but I don't trust easily... When it comes to relationships, I'm even worse...

Blame it on my choices of ex... or blame it on my own stupidity... or let's just blame it on being young and naive once... But we've all heard the saying "Once bitten, twice shy" so trust becomes an issue that haunts you forever.

Let's start with X3... Oh, this one's the classic... The one who managed to rip my self-confidence so badly apart that I felt no less worthy than a amoeba... no, wait... the scum that the amoeba feeds on... I've lost count the number of times he's cheated on me... and even though I had concrete evidence to prove otherwise, he'd always manage to weasel his way out of it. Finally after we broke up, he's come clean (we're still on speaking terms but I no longer have any feelings towards him be it love or hatred... just pity) and we just laugh about it.

X4... although I really can't consider him as one but then again... I've spent 2 and a half years of my life ding-donging around this person... Never one to commit... Never one to give me a status... and only calls me when he's got nothing else better to do... Finally decided I've had enough of this game of catch and release and rid myself of him...

X5 was by far the bastard of the lot... He came into my life somewhere in between X4... while we were having a break... It came as a surprise... I always thought he was going out with a friend of mine but when I asked both of them, they always denied it. So it was funny when he told me he liked me. Oh the stupidity of me...

Falling for a line like that. A few months into the relationship, I found out that he was indeed seeing my friend and me at the same time but about a week or so after going stead with me he broke up with her. Giving her some crap excuse like his mom wants him to get married to the girl of the same race. Surprise, surprise when he suddenly decided to break up with me (a few days before my birthday mind you)... he gave me the same dodgy excuse which really pissed me off (cos I found out from my friend that was the excuse he gave her but he told me a completely different story)... what an arse...

Of course I was mad. I was fuming. So much so I wanted to drive right up to his house and wreck his precious car. I told him, I never asked for this... I did not in any way seduce him nor tried in any way to impress him. It wasn't fair but then again life's never fair...

Was done with him and sorta fell back in with X4... we already know how that ended...

Now I'm with you...

Once again I've never asked of anything of you... never in any way wanted to be anything more than just friends with you. How we've pushed each other away for so long... A year to be exact before you flooded my inbox with "Missing You" sms... with a gentle push from a close friend, I decided to take the plunge... yes, you made me happy... at least for a while...

And then the paranoia grows from within... Past wounds returns to haunt me... I no longer know not the difference between paranoia and gut instinct. I so want to trust you, baby I really do... but I can't help this feeling that this just seem too good to be true... I know not what to do.

When I'm with you, all the doubts just fades away. The way you look at me with such care and tenderness. On one hand I feel so blessed but on the other, I'm wondering... does it exist for another? Or is it mine alone to hold?

When you kept cancelling appointments with me... I start to doubt us even more... You know how I hate fickle mindedness at the eleventh hour but you did just that. Not once, but twice and it was two days in a row. I was so mad at you. Called you and gave you an earful. Cos honey, three strikes, you're out... that's my motto. Always have been and always will be.

It came to a point I decided to ask you... If you still wanted this... and you asked me what? This relationship? Do you still want it? If not, please walk away right now before I'm in too deep... although I'm afraid I already am for I have loved you for over a year... unconditionally...

You question why I have this doubt in my mind. Even said I was thinking nonsense... Following our heated conversation (actually on my side only for you never argue with me) and I decided I just didn't feel like seeing you that day (ruined my mood), you sent me a text... reminding me of how much you love me and that's the plain truth... and later explained it was your family troubling you. To an extent, I know how worked up you get whenever they call. You begged me not to misunderstand you and again told me of how much you love me...

Whilst out with my pal you smsed and asked if you could call. How come you're so understanding and all? I told you that you may and you informed me you were having a tummy ache so you'd call a bit later... You did the sweetest thing... For you asked my friend to give me a kiss (cheeks la wei) on your behalf as you're not by my side although you'd like to give me one everyday.

I saw KM the next day, informed her of me getting angry with you. She said don't scold him la... the poor boy has been having diarrhea for three days now... Why didn't you tell me? I'm not only here during times when you're happy... I want to be there, when you're sad or when you're sick...

You call me your angel but somehow I feel that you've painted this picture perfect version of me... I'm not all that wonderful you know... I'm really lost... Cos I want to trust you but it's so very hard for me to do... for there's still this nagging doubt in my head...

Today you sent me a sms intended for someone else... It could've been a harmless sms... but then again it could be not... This I know not of, for I didn't see the sender's sms to you but just your reply... to her... Yes, of that I'm sure... that the person you're replying to is a she... and the likelihood of her being one of your admirers... 99.99%

You said you're just playing but dear don't you know, that's how all fires start... You play with fire, sooner or later you're gonna get burnt... and I will be the unsuspecting victim caught in the middle of this fiery blaze... Is this too good to be true after all?

I wish I had more faith in us... I so want to tell you my fears... but somehow you've painted a very confident picture of me... which is true to some extent. Certain aspects in my life... I am confident but when it comes to relationship... I stumble and fall...

I fear falling even more so now... For you make me so very happy... I can't recall whence I was this happy... I fear one day I will wake up... and realise it was all a dream... what am I to do with myself then?

I spoke to THE friend the other day... telling him that he was smart... I now know why he decided to keep his love a secret... loving unconditionally...

It's easier to love someone unconditionally. As long as they're happy, you're happy. But things change, my friend you've known that all along... when you decide to take it up a notch... Everything changes... for now, your own happiness is mixed with theirs... The stakes are higher... You're more vulnerable... Shed of all your defence... Yes, my friend... You knew better than me...

But as you said, we alone decide the road we choose to travel. No one can make that decision for us. The consequences, ours and ours alone to bear. I have decided to take this route... I only pray I don't end up even worse off than before...

I beg you please dear... Look after my heart... For it now beats only for you... But the trust is still not there yet in me... That not all men are beasts...

Hate This Feeling... Of Self-Destruction...

2008-10-28T23:54:00.003+08:00

You know...

By right when you're in a relationship. Everything should be all nice and dandy... For the first few months of course.

But what happens when you start to doubt yourself? Even in the beginning. It's only been like 2 weeks since I've been with him and I know nothing is his fault. It's all me.

You keep telling me that you feel as if you're dreaming... I can't seem to mutter the same sentence to you. I never even dared to dream that I would one day be in your arms. Having you whisper sweet nothings in my ears. You're even sweeter when I'm sick. Cos you get so worked up with worry and angry at yourself for you can't be by my side to take care of me.

But it makes me feel better. At least you care. That's good enough for me.

Honestly... Relationships is a love/hate thing for me.

I love being in one. With someone who loves me for who I am. And who I'm not. You know all my faults... My temper... My tantrums... My stubborness... And yet, despite all that. Still love me.

But I hate it also because... My self-confidence plumets. Even more so when I see your hoards of admirers. Oh... They come in all shapes and sizes... There's this particular one... who puzzles me so...

She so sweet... beautiful... soft-spoken and she can cook... everything I'm not. I start to question myself... What the heck do you see in me??? For if I was a guy... I'd pick her over me... All these doubts... All these questions... None of which you have control over.

Even though you always tell me how much you loved me... From that very first moment you saw me... I still question... W-H-Y???

I know it's bad... to feel like this. But I can't help myself. I need to find my centre again... Can I just disappear again? Just for a while? I need to find that person you fell in love with... I think I lost her... somewhere along this short journey... Cos all this just seems too good to be true...

It's not good. When someone who has low self-confidence gets involved with another who always have admirers trailing behind. It eats into the other person. Cos we worry someday someone better will come along and you'd wonder what you're doing wasting your time... with someone like me...

I know I should talk to you. That's what I like most about you. I can be completely honest with you. Completely myself... but somehow... I wonder, do you see? What I see? Or just something you thought you saw? Or is it just me?

I know you'll be upset that I have doubts in my mind. But this time my dear, I can honestly say... It's not you... It's me...

A Bit 'O Drizzle, A Dash 'O Sunshine...

2008-10-14T13:33:00.001+08:00

Say a silent prayer
And a rainbow appears...

I was really happy that day I saw the rainbow.

To sum up my life these past few months it's been relatively easygoing with some bumpy rides along the road. More so in the love department than anything else.

Of late, a lot of things in my life has taken a backseat to make way for my new loves... Rock-climbing, hiking and photography. Even dance class has been drastically minimised as already the two other activity takes up a lot of my energy and I don't want my weight to deplete too much so I need to maintain a healthy ratio.

Having said that. Even these activities have fallen back during the last month. Mostly because I've had a heavy schedule for the last 3 weeks. For starters, before I left for my getaway to Raub, Pahang I was super bogged down with work as my users loaded me with all their request as I'd be away for 2 weeks.

I hereby dub Raub Prozactown... The place is so serene and quiet... You can't even hear a single car pass by. Of course you'll get some automobile noise but it's very minimal. All I wanted to do when I was there was to sleep. It just casts a sleepy spell on you. You can't help it.

All I ever did there was... eat, sleep, smoke... watch some movies... eat... smoke... sleep... and I was contented doing that.

Well, anyway my post isn't exactly about that now. I will blog about it soon (hopefully la)...

Coming back to the rainbow.

I can't believe the timing of how the world works. The day before I saw it was by far the best day ever to date. I mean. I have never in my wildest dreams... thought that when I wrote the entry, Loving You... Unconditionally... that the day would come... that he'd finally confess the same...

And that happened. The night before the rainbow. As it is, I was already smiling myself silly that whole day. While driving, noticed it started to drizzle and that the sun was shining really bright. I wondered if I'd see a rainbow and the minute that thought left my mind... I saw it...

I know it sounds cliche but oh well... Everything seems beautiful when you're in love doesn't it? Even more so when it's something that you'd least expect to happen, actually does... Yes, it was odd that I happened to see a rainbow... up til my own home (which I have never seen one outside my home before) on the next day that I got my surprise confession.

A big surprise indeed... And I'm still glad it was you...

Anybody???

2008-08-16T03:55:00.002+08:00

I need help... I want to change the layout of my blog... but I'm really bad with all the html... what-ever-nots... I wanna take out the spaces at the sides... anybody care to help? Ohhh... N I need a new banner... Any takerS??? Irene??? (^_^)

The Highs and Lows of It...

2008-08-16T03:50:00.000+08:00

Note: This entry was backdated to 22 June 2008 as I couldn't get the pictures to load

I think I mentioned in one of my earlier post that I'll be climbing Mount Kinabalu in July this year. On Saturday, the team planned a training climb to Gunung Nuang. They have been training regularly in Bukit Gasing every weekend. Me... I was too lazy to wake up on a weekend at 8am to climb some hill. But I did go for the climb they organised to Nuang.

Now, me being me. I've actually slowed down my training over the weeks due to laziness. So I think, it's safe to say I wasn't really physically prepared for this climb either. There's lots of sites out there on Nuang. Basically it's a training ground for people who's planning to climb Gunung Tahan and Mount Kinabalu. Situated close to the border between Pahang and Selangor, it's not that hard to find although I didn't really pay attention on the way over.

Although not physically prepared. I have done quite a lot of research on it. Reading and actually doing it is two different story altogether. So here's an inexperienced and first time climbers view on it.

We started our climb at 8am on a Saturday morning which meant I was up at 5.30am before the crack of dawn. Had breakkie with Irene whom I had earlier convinced and coaxed her into doing this climb with me. Breakkie was relatively light consisting of soft-boiled eggs and toast for me. I didn't wanna have to suddenly have the urge to do my business while up there.The first trek is what the climbers call The Never Ending Road. At the first stretch, we were greeted by humongous pine trees. Basically an easy walk and not too strenuous. I was thinking to myself that this wasn't too bad after all.Not too far ahead, came the bamboo plantations. From here, the hill got steeper and steeper and breathing was really laboured and my heart was racing so fast it felt like it was going to pop out of my chest.Along the way, there was this really cute hut right smack in the middle of nowhere. The road forked here. One leading towards the hut and the other, well we don't have to guess now do we?

So we trudged on, me and Irene being the last of the lot but this isn't a competition now is it? We we greeted by two little streams on the left and the right. The left being the nicest.
From here on forward, the soil changed to a slight reddish brown. And as we looked on forward, I now know why this was called The Never Ending Road. At this point I almost felt like turning around and going off home as each breath was becoming more and more laboured due to the denseness of the forest.A ray of sunlight managed to peek it's way into this crazy path and with a word of encouragement from my dear Irene, I pushed on forward controlling each breath followed by the rhythm of My Chemical Romance's, Welcome to the Black Parade playing on loudspeaker from my phone.In the middle of no where, there was this little makeshift hut with 3 kids inside selling paku pakis and some isotonic drinks. After this hut the sounds of waterfalls could be heard from a distance and we know we're not too far away from Lolo Camp.

On my climb down, I don't think I made it to this hut as I don't remember seeing it or I could have just missed it as all I did was look at the ground so that the headlight I wore shone more clearly. It was somewhere along this road that I (and the other 3 who was unfortunate to be with me) was rescued by the rangers. Even though at this rate I could feel with each step I took, my knees felt like buckling under my weight and I held on to the stick and depended on it so as not to dislocate my right hips that was injured during my mudslide. And me being a real stubborn mule refused to admit defeat.The waterfalls were really a sight for sore eyes. The coolness of the water and the clarity simply took my breath away. If I remember correctly there were 3 waterfalls to cross. By day, the waterfall looked so inviting... even with the rushing of the waters you can't help but feel calmed by it. Either that or I'm a real water freak.

All this view changes come nightfall. Suddenly the rushing of the water seemed to fast on your ears. Since your vision is only whatever you can gather by the light shining from your headlight, the fear starts to creep in. You can't see how high the water level was and you're unsure if that next step was a step to safety or a slide to your doom (depending on which rocks you hit).

This was the other mental torture I went through whilst coming down... Each and every waterfall I came to filled me with dread when just a few hours ago it brought me such joy. How everything can change in just an instant.At the third (from bottom to top) waterfall is where people normally camp. During the day, we passed by without so much as a friendly hello to the fellow campers... By nightfall, the sight of another human being and a nice warm light brought some comfort to my already aching joints. They were nice enough to share with us a cup of tea each and an apple. Bless their souls. They even had a cigarette for poor old me who at that time, have not had a smoke for 12hours or any proper food for more than that. Even with a dog with us, they didn't act like the conventional Malays and acted like it was their worse nightmare. Instead they shared some of their food and offered us words of encouragement.From Lolo Camp up to Pacat Camp, the terrain changes and starts to take a steep rise. Further up ahead, the stretch of red clay and once again the beauty of mother nature takes my breath away. Again, when dry this was not really a huge challenge but pushing oneself forward takes up a lot of energy and breaths become short once again although not as laboured as before. A sudden dizzy spell is felt but easily cured by eating raisin bread and drinking water.Come nightfall, the rain has turned the red clay road into a huge nightmare. It was at the last two deepest ravines I broke down mentally and literally sat on the wet red clay and cried. By then, I've lost count how many times I fell and each fall further hindered my progress down the mountain so by now the fear of falling was in so deep cos I know if I fell again, I might not be able to get up anymore.Me and Irene were the last two to reach yet again due to our asthma condition (champion girls... got asthma forgot 2 bring inhaler and still smoking) and we were greeted by claps... Weariness washes away as we sat down to rest and proceed to have our lunch. Irene started on hers first but I wasn't really hungry and wanted to rest first. We were told that the team has decided to not proceed to the summit and were going to turn down. I was really bummed.More often than not I've read about people who turned back after they reached Pacat but granted as they reached there around 3pm and it was too late. We were only there at 1pm and already they were thinking of turning back. Thinking how hard it was for me to coax my boss to letting me go when Europe was going live with SAP and she really needed my extra pair of hands to do the job. I'll be damned if I let any broken wusses stand in my way to going to Mount Kinabalu. If I couldn't even make it to the top of a 1493m mountain, I can kiss Mount Kinabalu goodbye.

I managed to twist their arm into climbing that extra 2-3 up to the summit and by that time Irene's mihun had already attracted the bees. There was no way I could eat mine in piece and three mouthful was all I had and we proceeded to climb to the summit yet again. Somewhere along the way me and Irene (being last again as usual) saw 6 of our fellow trekkers climbing down and we asked them what's wrong. Apparently they said the climb was getting to steep and it was littered with rocks, roots and mud and that it was just too dangerous to proceed further.I asked Irene if she wanted to follow them down. She knew there was no way I was going give up going to the summit without even trying and didn't want me to go alone. So we pushed on. Sure enough, the hill got steeper and steeper. Funnily enough this didn't instill fear in me instead I was in awe and wanted to go up and up an up... At one of the point, the fear of coming down the same way pulled Irene back and she told me to go on ahead without her. So I did. Yes, I wanted this that badly.So all alone I climbed. Managed to catch up with some hikers who passed us earlier on and with some word of encouragement from them and a bit of advice on the harder terrains. I continued on steadily and finally couldn't even hear them. It was somewhere along this very same terrain where there was this huge rock right smack in the centre where there were no roots to hold on to that I had my first fall and hurt my arm.Finally I saw the fork in the road where I was told by the same hikers that I had to be really careful here. Thank God for their advice and for the clear cut sign I managed to find my way around. Come to think of it, on my way down I was seriously wondering out loud how the hell I managed to climb so high, so far, all on my own... (-_-)"

I think it was way easier going up then coming down. I passed the huge rock as the hikers said I would if I followed the right trail and I was greeted by another two more hikers. They had two huge banana leaf on the floor and was about to do their prayers. I wanted to take a photo of that place but didn't want to intrude on their prayers so I decided to take one on my way down. I never did get to do it as it was raining so heavily on my climb down so I didn't bother to stop.Further up was this huge moss covered rock on the left and the trail sorta narrowed slightly. It was yet another refreshing site from the dreaded red clay and rocks and roots that my energy was revived once again to push on forward. I think it was somewhere after here I met with the remaining bunch of my team who made it to the top. Needless to say they were surprised to see me one person short but still there all by myself.

I still wanted to see the summit so I asked one of them to accompany me to the top again (of course I asked the more skilled climber la...). One of them didn't get to go up to the summit as he had cramps and had to stop so he followed me to my mad pursue to the summit. On the way up, we could hear the distant rumble of thunder and really at that point I wanted to turn back. I know better to climb Nuang in the rain but encouragement from more hikers descending the summit telling us that it was only 15mins away we pushed on.Finally reaching the top, although I've already read that there was absolutely no view up there. I was still dismayed to see it so barren and... and... not that much of ground area either. I did read however that there was a trail to the left with a view of the Ulu Langat dam and distant town but with the threat of the rain I decided we should really not tempt nature any further and tried to make as much headway down as we could.

We didn't go far before it started to pour and hastily out came the raincoats and then I remembered to my dismay that the one I brought for Irene was with me. It was on the way down from the summit to Pacat camp where I slipped and slide and hurt my hip but I was still ok.

So that sums up the most of my trip. The trail that broke me the worst was from Pacat Camp to Lolo Camp as it was so dark and the trail was littered with red clay ravines. Not forgetting I was wet, tired, hungry and cold and all that greeted me at the bottom was the dread of driving (manual car ah) another one hour back to civilisation and dropping Irene off home.

I lost my temper with her one too many times although it really wasn't her fault but it really irked me as I just wanted to get out of my soggy socks and shoes and put on my nice, dry slippers but I couldn't as she wore it. It really wasn't her fault as her shoes were equally wet but at that point I was so broken and all I could think of was she could have at least had the sense to realise I really needed to get out of them soggy shoes as I needed to drive. Yes, mentally tortured that I expected my friend to be able to read my mind.

Mentally tortured cos I felt bad for putting her through this torment that I decided to punish myself further by not being selfish and demanded for my slippers even though I really needed it more than she did at that time. Further tormenting myself by refusing to talk to her on the drive home where she conveniently slept off and I was left with the anguish of my calf having to work the pedals when my joints where already screaming in agony. Was really close to crying yet again at that point but I still pushed on.

Finally the worse was when I hit the drive home where everything reminded me of that dreaded mountain and instead of roads, I saw tracks. I was hallucinating on my drive home. Couldn't call anyone to talk to as everyone was already asleep and I figured I've already caused enough people to worry about me in one night.

So the verdict is... Gunung Nuang broke me. Mentally. Physically. Will I do it again? Why not ask me again when I've gotten over the torment of the Red Clay.

P.S. Am S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y considering to scrap Mount K after this climb... P.P.S. This is how my track pants looked after the climb. The bottom half were also brown but the waterfall washed away most of the clay...P.P.P.S. And these were the scratches I obtained from falling onto that stupid rock...

Been Away Far Too Long...

2008-08-12T21:47:00.007+08:00

I do realise I've failed to update my blog for eons. Yet again...

This time, somehow it's different. Not only have my blog entries been missing, so has my presence in certain people's lives. A few actually...

I think the biggest mark I made would have to be at my gym's dance class. I used to be such a fanatic that you'd see me going from Hartamas-Jaya33-Taipan just to attend this instructor's class. Please do not think that I attend his class because like all the other members who drools at him (this I'm saving for another blog entry), I go because I seriously myself tremendously in his class. It wasn't surprising to see me at either one of these gyms 6 days a week (wherever he has a class) except Thursday as they were his off days.

Now, you only get to see me 3 times a week and only on weekdays. A lot of the members have commented that I've been missing for a very long time and in that long time I actually lost weight. But when I step on the weighing machine it doesn't show much difference in weight but I do feel certain clothes that used to be snug were getting looser. But I think I still look the same... And still wish I can get rid of this unsightly beer belly of mine.

Truth is, I've been so busy training for my Mount Kinabalu climb and actually find that I liked it. I won't spoil what happened as I will draw up a separate blog entry for all my climbs (once I get the darn photos to load with my shitty internet connection). To sum it all, I've done Gunung Nuang, Bukit Buah Bunga and Mount Kinabalu.

I also did some skytrex adventure thingy which was really enjoyable. Not forgetting having a really wonderful and memorable birthday do by my friend of 13 yrs (you know who you are) and I really couldn't ask for a better present or a more wonderful day (she booked me for the whole day ok... almost 24hrs). That too will be another post for another day... :D

Yea, I know I promised too many posts that has yet to surface. I already completed the one on my Nuang climb but the bloody photos won't load and I can't post an adventure entry sans photos now can I?

Anyways... where was I?

Ahh yes, missing from dance class at the gym... Cos I was too busy scaling some mountain/hill/jungle...

After my Mount Kinabalu Climb, I decided to finally try rock-climbing (indoor type of course) with a few of my colleagues. I have wanted to do it for a while now but my weight and issues always held me back. After all the mountain/hill climbing, I've regained my confidence and have been going religiously every weekend except the last weekend as they were having a climbing competition so I went to the gym instead.

I think, without meaning to, I've actually let my life spiral out of control yet again that there isn't enough time to do all the things I want to do. Well, there's only one of me... and a whole truckload of things I wanna do...

Another was being missing for your birthday. It wasn't something I can help. I thought it was a sign from above (insert whatever beliefs you have here) cos the weekend when you were scheduled to have your birthday, I would be doing my first climb in Mount Kinabalu. I figured maybe I really shouldn't fight fate and just stay away. Of course you'll still get the birthday present I promised you but you'll have to tell me what you want as I have no inkling of what you want/need.

Come last Tuesday. I received not one but two phonecalls from people I haven't spoken to. The first was from an old friend cum neighbour who wanted to loan one of my many sarees (for a Chinese of course, let's not compare with the Indians) her sister-in-law to wear. So we made arrangements to meet at my house after work (since I'm too lazy to go to Taipan these days for gym).

It was when my friend was at my place your youngest sister called using your phone. It was a pleasant surprise. The innocence of her voice asking me, "Aunty Asstha, when are you coming to see us?" ripped such a hole in my heart. How could I say no? But at the same time I was afraid. It wasn't all that long ago that I was at your home, when you all had the prayers. One year. It's been that long.

Then, there wasn't time for you girls to talk to me. You all had your place in the ceremony whilst I sat outside your home quietly observing. My heart was so torn. Torn with the sweet memories that house held for me. The good times shared. The promises made. But now will never come to surface.

Sunday comes. Mom told me a week ago that we have to be at the temple in the morning to offer merits to our ancestors. I go. Even when I'm not religious. These are the things I'd do. I don't know why I couldn't sleep the night before. I only ended up with 2 hours of sleep before going to the temple. Which meant... a really grouchy me.

To make matters worse. Mom had like 3 unknown (to me la) guest and I'm not really as sociable when I'm at home as opposed to when I'm with my friends. So it sparked my irritation further. Really it was not mom's fault but the least she could do was issue me a warning earlier. I hate being speculated by strangers. Makes me feel like I'm a part of some freak show.

Why would people speculate me? It's really my own fault, really. I'm hardly around the house and people (my mom's friends namely) have only so much so heard about me and seen pictures of me (a l'il bit here and there) but never see me in person. So yeah. It's a rare threat to see me (for my family members anyway).

But it was all worth it in the end. I found out something that day that made me really happy and proud. It's not something I can blog about yet as it's not mine to tell. But nonetheless, I was very proud at that moment.

Around noon, Irene texted me asking me what time I'd pick her up. I promised her we'd go find ourselves a tailor to sew our baju kebaya and baju kurung for the coming Raya (yea, we're one muhibbah lot). I was still at the temple so I told her I'd let her know when I got home. I reached home around 2pm and her incessant smses really, really started to annoy me. I had to stop myself from letting out my frustration at her as it wasn't her fault. She merely wanted to confirm the time so she could plan out her schedule. I told her to let me take an hour's nap before I drove as it wasn't safe to drive in my condition (NO WAY AM I LETTING YOU DRIVE MY CAR OK!!!).

I finally picked her up at 4.30pm (she made me wait downstairs for 20mins) and we were off to scout for our tailor. I remember seeing this really nice shop which had a wide array of designs to choose from. Unfortunately I didn't think to take the name card from that shop (or maybe I did but don't know where I've put it).

The hilarious thing was, when we went to Asoka's for lunch cum dinner. The both of us really couldn't take the spiciness of the cuttlefish sambal. She was all red and going "Pi Pu, Pi Pu" while reaching for her glass of Coke and I was going "Pssssssttttt" (imitating smoke coming out of my ears). It was really spicy. And that's saying a lot. For a Chinese, the both of us can handle our chili compared to any normal Chinese.

We didn't manage to find that shop in Klang. Too many things have changed since last year. Lots of shops have relocated and other under construction. We headed back to Subang and finally (thank you that someone up there) managed to find ourselves a tailor in USJ1 (or else she would've promptly killed me as we needed those togs for Raya visiting her bf).

She told me she's cancelled her prior appointment at 9.30pm so I figured we had time to kill and the night was too young (yes, only 3hrs of sleep but still don't want to go home early to sleep). I asked if she'd mind if we were to drop by and see the girls. With her agreement and a call to the girls to check if their dad was ok with it, I made my way over.

We were greeted by the youngest saying a very shy hello and announcing our arrival to the father. My heart melted at seeing this cute angel. I was happy to note that she's filled up a bit after a year (she was painfully thin last year) and hoped it indicated that she's adjusted. Then the older girl came out. The first thing she said to me wasn't really a form of greeting but more of a lecture on why I'm looking so thin now. *faints*

In the house, me and Irene was both offered and drink (Coke laaaa) and a seat. In an instant, the youngest was propping herself nicely on my lap. The eldest son just mutter a feeble hello but I wasn't really there to see him, to be completely honest. No. The girls where my gems. Always have been. Always will be.

The older girl sorta felt left out. Maybe cos she thought she was a tad too old to be sitting on my lap. I shifted the youngest to my left to make room for her. It really was a sight to see. But it was one that warmed my heart. It made me feel that I shouldn't have kept myself away from them for so long. I don't know about them needing me. But I'm still wanted.

We just sat talking about things that doesn't really make sense (now how could it when you're having a conversation between a 6yr old and a 10?) and watching 101 Dalmations on the tube. We were there for a good hour before announcing that it was time for us to go. The older girl's face fell. She always does that. Whenever it's time to say goodbye.

Partly I think I'm to blame. Cos I used to be at their home every weekend. And now... when I leave, they never know when I'll be back. It really came as a blow when she muttered very clearly to me (after I gave some feeble attempt that I'll come when I'm free), "Don't come only next ya" that I realise that even at that age, they do remember how long you stay away. They do remember the promises that you make. And that they do want me around in their life. Whether other people like it or not.

I promise this. I will come as often as time permits. And not too often to cause discomfort.

My angels.... I will try not too stay away for too long this time around... XOXOXO

What Goes Around Comes Around... Sooner or Later...

2008-06-18T01:02:00.004+08:00

For some... at times it comes sooner... much sooner in fact.

Something really exhilarating happened over the weekend when I was out with Irene. Both of us felt like sushi and since she finally landed a good job (not to mention fun)... we didn't have to really watch our purse strings, although when it comes to sushi and the both of us, we still try to tone our love for sushi down a notch.

Aight. I digressed. As always, no?

We were mentally calculating the amount we could splurge as we'll be doing a climb this very weekend (that's another story for another post on another day) so we should at least have adequate funds for it. When we finally came to a solution, we realised to our horror that the Genki Sushi in Sunway Pyramid is closed for renovation (I sure do hope it's for the same outlet).

Shucks. Us gals prefer Genki Sushi over Sushi King on any other day but since our options weren't open (not to mention the thought of wolfing down on heavenly raw fishies), we decided better Sushi King then nothing.

Now lets go off track a bit for a while ok. The reason why I don't like Sushi King (especially the one in Sunway) is because I had a really bad dining experience there. I even threw a fit and gave the manager on duty an earful. Mind you. I was in my early 20s at that time. The service staff were really horrible. To put it down in short. They treated me as if I couldn't afford to eat there. Basically they snubbed me. Three times in a row. And since I'm well known for my other principle of three strikes, you're out... I gave them a tongue lashing.

So after that incident I vowed never to set foot into that particular outlet again. I did so too. For a good 2-3 years (if my memory serves me right). Yea, Irene was there with me too. She is after all, my sushi buddy.

On observation, I have to give it to them that they have improved immensely since then, but there's still more room for improvement. Well at least they're not the receiving end of my post today although I do realise I've digressed more than I ever did.

Anyway... moving on...

After we've filled our tums with Udon (for Irene), Cha Soba (mine) plus 9 plates of sushi (this is already considered being in control yea)... we made our way to the cashier to pay for our meal. Suddenly out of no where, this aunty comes and casually positions herself in front of me. I had this waddafark look on my face, so did Irene. While I was contemplating telling this aunty off, her son and daughter saved me the hassle and actually told their mom off.

Mind you. Her kids were of primary school age and they could tell their mom that she's cutting the line. So I just stood there to see for myself if she was going to be the model mom or not... I tell you, this woman really has a face thicker than buffalo hide. After being told of (by her kids nonetheless) she could still stand there and argue with her kids that she was there first. All this happened with me and Irene keeping our mouths tightly sealed (not a trait in us, believe you me).

In the end I made a motion to the kids that it's fine. I figured the word shame does not exist in her vocabulary. Irene just muttered whatever lahhhh.... Heh... Typical of her. Really.

Finally comes aunty's turn to pay and she had the member's card 10% discount and she had a RM20 off voucher to go with the card. No big so we just waited and kepoh a bit (me mostly cos I was nearer) on aunty's bill. Then when the cashier slotted the credit card in there was a beep indicating the card is being rejected.

Cashier told aunty that her card is expired.

Aunty proceeded to argue with cashier that it expires end June and although she's already gotten the new card she hasn't changed it (what's the point of keeping the old one when the new one's arrived?)

Cashier tries the card again.

Another failed attempt.

Cashier tells aunty.

Aunty still insists card hasn't expired (see a pattern here?).

Cashier checks card, points her finger to the expiry date, shows aunty and tells aunty "It's stated here 05/08. That means it's expired in May"

Aunty has no choice but to finally admit defeat.

Cashier says to aunty if you can't provide me with the new card, all the discounts have to be added back in.

Aunty bugging husband for the card.

At this point I tell you, me and Irene where trying so hard to contain our laughter. We were grinning like a Cheshire cat. In the end, I still got to pay first and the look of discomfort on aunty's face was the icing on the cake. When I handed in the damage to the cashier, Irene couldn't help herself but to add, "Rich people pay cash"... LOL... like as if we were rich la... We didn't make it out the front door before the both of us burst into laughter. And I do mean really, really, really loudly... Yep. Karma's a biatch... and it has a habit of biting you in the back when you least expect it.

Sooner or later babes... sooner or later...

Has It Already Been a Year?

2008-05-15T00:00:00.002+08:00

I looked at the calendar today
My heart skipped a beat
Neatly written there in my own writing
There's just no mistaking it

Has it been that long already?
Has really a year gone by?
A year without you…
Without your sweet smile?

It feels just like yesterday
Now, the memories come crashing back
As I sit in this corner
And let it engulf me

One year, but the memory fresh
Of the last I saw your sweet face
The picture so vivid, the scent empowering
It was as if you’re right here beside me

On occasion I still get messages
From people met after that day
They'd ask how’s things with the kids?
Shamefully, I hang my head down
With every effort in me, muttered "I don't know"

It's not that I don't care
Or that time doesn't permit
The obstacle in my path
Has proven really hard to beat

Seeing and yet helpless
Was never my forte
Wanting to see them yet
Powerless, so I admit defeat

Sometimes I do sit
And wonder if they remember me
Or do they think, Aunty Esther
Doesn't really care about us

I long to hold them in my arms
And soothe their nightmares away
No matter how far I may be from them
They’re never too far away from my heart

My soft spot always were for the girls
For they’d cling to me like glue
I still remember our one trip to summit
Just them, me and you

All those trips and memories
Has it been that long?
I still remember the words you said to me
Like lyrics to my favourite songs

Some think you were just a close friend
If only they knew
How you held my hand
Through the most turbulent times

You were my oars when I was lost at sea
Akin to a boat missing its direction
Gently and slowly you led the way
I’m all I am and all I’ll ever be
For all my strengths, I thank thee

Your one year anniversary no prayers I shall chant
You know I’m not religious and that you'll understand
You were always so understanding
So I guess that’s what makes you my best

Today this small piece I dedicate to you
It's naught much but it's the least I can do
A small token, my way of saying I love you
And that I have you on my mind, and in my heart
Now and forever... til my flame dies out

Thanks to Sham aka Mutley for helping me with the final verse *hUgS*

Anticipation plus Anxiety Attack

2008-04-23T23:37:00.002+08:00

For those of you wondering what's the latest update from my last two posts, here's a quick update.

Apparently our dear friend lied to me about not coming back (for reasons which still remain unclear to me) and he called to let me know when he arrived (although I already know he's coming back through some sneaky underhanded way) and another friend called all the way from UK to let me know he's back... =.=

I knew two days earlier he was lying to me prior to his return and was feeling much better (still felt bad about the sneaky underhanded thingy) already although I know I should've been upset cos he lied and should actually pester him to tell me why he lied but I decided I'd rather not know his reasons. So yeah he's back and once again I'm content just being a friend and staying in the shadows (although a really hard feat for me being loud and obnoxious).

Ok. So much for the quick update. On to the topic for today.

About a month ago, the company sent out an email to all staff saying the sports club is organising a trip up to Mount Kinabalu. The catch was, even though we're still paying for the cost (company sponsor RM50 per person only) they're only selecting 14 people for this. I of course was super keen cos it's something I've been wanting to do since I was like 17 (secondary organised one but mom didn't let me go) and since it's being organised by the company's sports club, although we're still paying for the cost... we don't have to go through the hassle of organising the trip and the cost will be deducted from our salary over a period of 6months.

Quite a deal for me as I can never seem to save money... =.=

The results were out yesterday and surprise, surprise... I got selected. A tall order for me as I'm never lucky at these kinda stuff. Either that or the response wasn't that great. You can imagine my delight when I got that mail. First thing in the morning somemore. Was trying my best to contain my excitement and refrain from jumping all around the office, although I did keep squealing about it to my friends there.

It was such a high to finally get to do something like this in my life. Then... realisation sank in. I had to inform my boss about my leave (I didn't think it was necessary to inform her prior to my submission of name since I'm never lucky). I plan to take 4 days. Two of which is the actual travel date and the other two, for me to recuperate so I think I planned my leave quite well to ensure I won't suddenly take EL or MC the day I return. Unfortunately, my boss didn't sound too happy (was asking her over IM cos she's out of the country right now) as according to her, Europe is going live in July.

Me being the only other member in the team (apart from my boss la) makes this really hard her as she'll be taking up my workload if I'm away. There's supposed to be another member joining early May and I sure hope that person doesn't back out the last minute like the one who was supposed to come in Mar did. I'm still begging and begging my boss to say yes and approve my leave as I have to pay a non-refundable deposit by end of this month to confirm my reservation. Besides the fact... I REALLY REALLY WANNA GO!!!

So yeah, basically after I hit that high, I dipped to the low point cos the uncertainty of my boss saying yes still looms at the back of my mind. She said we'll discuss this when she's back in the office on Monday. Please say yes... >_<

Another cause for my anxiety attack was the fact that I know I'm not physically fit enough to complete the climb and I really don't want to give up halfway. A few of my friends who tried the first time did (and they're much fitter than me, mind you) so I really don't want to give up.

The other thing is... my health. I have asthma but it only occurs in places where the air thins and Mt. K definately have thin air (eh 4093 above sea level la wei)... I already have trouble breathing at night in Genting Highlands let's not even imagine how bad it'll get for me at Mt. K... so my physical strength is really important so I don't add on to the burden of climbing with asthma. Of course I'm going to the clinic to get a proper check up first and arm myself with an inhaler and refill (something I never needed in Genting although I can't talk much if I'm walking in the cold night air) just in case I need it. Already told my friend to let me use her precription to get it from the pharmacist.

Yes. Training is my utmost important task right now. So much so that I'm drastically reduced my dancing classes to incorporate classes like Bodypump, Body Combat and Step. Apart from that my friend is going to help me cook up a routine to work on my endurance but that's only starting on Sat so for the time being I'll stick to classes first.

In fact, I just completed my first day of workout session. Went for Bodypump and Body Combat. Wanted to do some Body Balance/Yoga Therapy but I think I better not overdo it. A friend told me to go slow cos I'm just starting day one of training and I've not been going to the gym for almost two months but I felt so useless after finishing Bodypump cos I can feel my strength is no longer there (thanks to more than a year of not doing anything else but dance). I used to feel the strain of the class during the lunges but today... I was already shaking when we worked the chest muscle... that's like more than 4 levels before the lunges... =.=

Feeling so unfit... not to mention unsatisfied... against my dance instructor's advice (he should know my stamina cos i always curi tulang in his class) I went to Body Combat for another round of torture to my body. I had to stop somewhere in the 4th level of the class cos my left toes cramped up... darn... I did continue after that but by then she was working more on the upper body and my upper body strength sucks plus I'm still shaky from the Bodypump class so... =.=

I know I'm going to pay the consequenses for pushing my body so hard today. Normally my body only starts aching the day after but this time around... it's already starting to ache... my shoulder and arms are sore... my legs feel like jelly... Don't worry, I won't push myself too hard this week. If my body is excruciatingly painful tomorrow I will skip training to let my muscle (whatever that I have la) rest and just do my dance class on Fri and start the grueling training my friend has in mind for me on Sat and Sun...

Will update soon on my training schedule... Plan to do some jog/walk in places like Bukit Kiara & Bukit Gasing once my stamina is better than it is now. Estimate to start that training after a month... *gah*... so little time... only 3 months to train... Even posted up a thread in Lowyat Forum to get more info... yes, that's how serious I am. Friends whom known me long enough will know that I absolutely loathe doing this kind of training and because I'm willing to endure this means that climb is really something I want to do... Boss... please say yes... >_<

Mixed Reviews

2008-04-10T20:15:00.003+08:00

This is a follow up from my previous post.

I seemed to be getting a lot of mixed reviews from friends who read this entry of mine. Some tell me they've gone through it. Although I haven't really heard the full encounter of their stories so I don't think it's my place to justify. As my friend who encountered the same thing (I had the honour of listening to his story from start til end) even I had to second guess whatever I'm feeling is the same as what he went through. The simple matter of the equation is, you never really know what is the exact feeling at that exact time unless you're the person going through it.

Some has even told me to get over it, you didn't even date him for crying out loud... but truth is... this really isn't something you can get over because that emotion is just so raw... and unselfish... Can any one of you who's told me that very sentence tell me that you loved somebody and never, ever expected anything in return? Seriously. Nothing. Not a relationship, not for him to love you back.... Just a one way street...

I know some might have... Let's move the scale down even lower now shall we?

How many of you know very well that all you had to do, was to tell him/her that you loved them and want to be with them knowing full well that after hearing what you said there's a 50% chance of them changing their mind? Anymore hands?

I know full well what he wanted to hear from me and yet I refuse to utter them... I'm finally able to grasp and execute the saying "If you love someone set them free, If they come back you know they're yours forever but if they don't, be content that the love grew inside of you"... Yes my dears, there is a difference...

Believe me, I'm not trying to say that I'm far more superior to any of you. All I'm asking is that try not to assume everything is black and white. Nothing in this world for that matter is. I would probably make a lot of you angry by writing this cos I know that you all just want me to feel better. Sometimes, to feel better... you really have to let go of my hands and let me walk this path alone. If this post was shared to you personally by me, you must know that it is really something really close to my heart. I hardly ever ask you to read my blog entry as and when I have a post. Either you see it or you don't.

So far, out of the four I've shared that entry with (no Kenny, you don't count cos you have me on Google Reader)... Only two of you truly felt what I was trying to convey... You didn't ask me to get over it or that things will get better... Probably you've actually seen the huge change in me over this week and know it cuts real deep and it's something I have to go through on my own. For that, I'm grateful. Cos by not saying get over it you are actually helping me feel better as you're not instilling your values and morals to it but just looking at the situation with unbiased judgement.

Trust me when I say I've been in the same shoes as those who said get over it and all... Remember my friend whom I said I first heard about such profound and unbelievable stories from? I was always wondering (although I never told him) how can he still love her after all these years? Not wanting anything??? Just a silent observer in the shadows... It was really odd to me at that time that such a love existed... These weren't even things I've ever read/heard/seen off... But I listened. Listened to every word and every story he had to tell and never passed judgement.

And you know the best part of it all??? He never got over it... He still loves her... Very much in fact from what I see... Although I don't wanna end up like him (sorry to you if you're reading this, you know who you are) cause it's a very lonely place to be... I never told you in person but I can see it in your eyes... I'll have to update you again on that... maybe in erm... 10 years time??

I thank each and every one of you for showing my concern but this much I ask of you... could you please not tell me to "get over it"??? I don't need you to understand or think you understand what I'm going through... Even I, whom is experiencing this can't grasp or come to understand why... Why him? Why now? Why not earlier??? All I need from you is a big warm hug and tell me everything will work out just fine. Can you do that for me now?

Thank you once again and I do apologise if I was harsh and in offended you all in any way. That was not my intent. Please bear with me for a while.

Loving You... Unconditionally...

2008-04-10T03:03:00.000+08:00

I've been away from blogging for such a long time and it's like I've got so many things to write but don't know how to pen my thoughts into words... but today, I feel a need to release... before I go mad...

Almost more than 6 months now I've come to learn of a very new type of love. One that's unconditional. It's something you hear (well, at least I do) around you. But has anyone ever been so selfless??? What drives someone to love another so deep, yet without conditions??? A friend recently told me that unconditional love is easiest to decipher by looking at the way the universe takes care of us... Without expectations, without asking for anything in return... even though we take it for granted, it still creates the small things in life we need to survive... Ever silent. In the shadows. I know you're probably reading this and that you've told me it's just for my ears only but this is the only way I can express myself best is in words.

I tried. So hard not to fall... Oh, how I tried. I knew this day would come eventually. Just that I didn't expect it too be this soon. I thought I could at least have another year's of memory. But when you told me that night that you're not coming back, I literally felt my heart break. Yet, I still didn't say or do anything to ask you to reconsider. All I said was, as long as you're happy. That's all I've ever wanted.

How can you love someone so deeply despite the fact you've never been together? There goes my conventional way of thinking you only learn to love a person when you're in a relationship with them. Oh, how wrong I was. I always reminded myself... no, you can't fall... you're just too different... and you're worlds apart... and the fact that he doesn't really need anymore admirers... I remember clearly telling him, I just want to be your friend. We never did any couple things. Even when we went out, it was always maintained at friends only level.

In fact I kept kidding myself. Even after friends told me I've fallen and that I fell hard. It didn't feel that way then. But after that day... I know I'm in too deep and that the pain's too real. Somehow, you grew inside my heart without me realising it.

So this is the story of how I loved a guy without ever having any expectations... never asking him to love me back... and never wanted to own him... all I wanted was to see him happy. Cos when he's happy, somehow... I'm happy too...

It's really painful loving someone unconditionally. You want to be selfish and ask them to come back. In fact, what if you knew if all you wanted for them to come back was to utter those few silent words locked up in your heart but you don't because you want them to walk the path that's right for them. Even if that path leads them away from you. And you will never get to tell them exactly how you felt. It's really painful, but at least my solace is knowing that at least I gave him a chance to be the director in this movie we all call life.

I don't think I may love as deeply as this before but I won't give up on love. Even if I'll never love this purely/whole-hearted again, I feel blessed that at least I can truly say I know what unconditional love means in this lifetime. And I'm glad it was you and no one else...

"The first time I saw you, you caught my eye
You were quiet and aloof and not to mention shy
I never hoped for anything
But quietly in the shadows I just watch you soar
Your passion was intriguing maybe that's what appealed to me
The way you put so much effort into those little things that you do
The always turn out as wonderful as you
A late-comer I was and prayed you'd not notice
Now and then again I'd catch your eye and silently apologised
When you played the remix version of my favourite song
I know there's no way I could keep silent for long
So that was the very first time we spoke
Both you and I... Still aloof while I was shaking inside
It all happened so fast, the path we became friends
I believe it started with forwarded sms that fateful day
From sms we started exchanging calls
The more frequent it got, the longer we talked
By then all I wanted was to be your friend
For now I see it's what you really needed in the end
The day you told me, how happy you were when you received my first call
I brushed it aside telling you that will be all
Your hoards of admirers chased you around
Sometimes when I see you tortured, all I can do is frown
The day you left, I told you "See you soon"
The only goodbye I said was over the phone
I never saw you off cos I took for granted you'll be back
Looking back now, you've hinted back then
That somehow, you maybe or might not return
I remember my heart warms whenever you call
Couldn't wait to see you at all
Counting down the days felt like absolute torture
But the ultimate was when you told me that you weren't so sure
In the end, you didn't take that flight
I felt my heart literally break that night
I wanted to tell just how much I feel
But held back cos I thought it couldn't possibly be real
Do you feel the same? Or was it just in my mind
So I kept silent and told you to do whatever feels fine
I finally know the meaning of unconditional love
For I loved so deeply but never ask anything of you
I tried to fight this feeling for so long
But somehow you still grew inside this little heart of mine
Now all I wish for you my dear friend
The life you want to live and happiness in the end..."

P.S. I know I can't rhyme to save my life so please don't criticise my writing.

Yes, I'm still alive (not kicking but still alive)

2008-03-06T17:19:00.006+08:00

Gosh... How time flies... Looking back, my last entry was made on the end of the year and Feb 2008 has come to an end and it's March.

*tsk tsk*... I really should update more often but my life just really revolves around my job, gym and home. Occasionally catching up with some close buds.

I promise to update some really sweet moments I've had for Jan 08 and Feb 08. When I have the time... >.<

I promised earlier that I'll post some pictures of my most memorable moment for 2007 (since I wasn't able to complete it in time).

So here's the collage of my favourite moments in 2007. Til next time (I promise I won't stay away this long again). Really... >.<

An Ode to 2007...

2007-12-31T21:53:00.000+08:00

As the new year comes to an end, I sit and reflect back on my life in 2007.

Looking back, it was a rollercoaster of emoticons that went through my life. Some more significant than others. Some very new emotions that I’ve never experienced before and never expected it to affect me the way it did.

I think the year started with me having a death accident with my car on the eve of CNY. Certain things came to mind and the most important thing that stood out was that my life was more important than anything else in this world. Not to me per say but the impacts it will have on the people who care most about me. Who only have me. My mom.

The next thing that impacted my life was when we were asked to decide on the life of my eldest aunt. Something I don’t think any human should have the right to decide but seeing the suffering she was going through and the fact that she was comatose, we decided to pull the plug on her life support. Which was the most humane and inhumane thing I’ve ever come across… (no, I wasn’t part of the decision making process)

Then I was lied to by someone I never expected to lie to me. I was flabbergasted to say the least. And swore never to talk to that person ever. One thing good that came out of that was me and a close friend decided we should be more honest with each other in case we got into the same shit. If you’re that person you’ll know what I’m talking about.

The next unforgettable moment was when I received THAT CALL… Yes, the one that told me you were no longer with us and my world just fell apart. Literally. You were so young. So beautiful. So much in life to look forward to. And you were taken away. Far too early from the people who loved you. Who you loved. From me. You were my angel. I’ve never known sorrow like that before.

When my brother, grandma and aunt was taken I was upset but looking at the condition… it was a far, far better thing for them than to endure this the suffering in this life. Maybe you suffered. I don’t know. I promised myself that I’d not let myself be alone on Christmas Eve or New Year’s eve… I managed to get through Christmas but somehow, my plans didn’t quite fall through for New Year’s and thoughts of you is flooding my head… and the memory of our last New Year’s linger in my mind. Nothing fancy, just some nice food with nice friends, drinking and waiting for the clock to strike 12.

Messages from friends and colleagues pour in and I’m having mixed emotions as I know there’s one person missing in my life, That empty feeling somewhere inside me can never go away. Never can be replaced.

I’m blessed. I know I shouldn’t complain. I have family, loads of friends ranging from ex-colleagues to colleagues and gym members who loved me and I truly appreciate their love and care. Not forgetting the nice people I’ve met online who in their own special way helped me on my road to recovery. Two of the most I’d really like to thank is Zewt and Kenny Mah for their nice and encouraging comments. Thanks you guys.

My 180 degree change in profession from accounts to IT and having a wonderful boss (yes, I’ll try to come on time) who’s understanding and kind. A bit cracko sometimes but that just makes her uniquely her. Finding my way and people on common ground wasn’t easy. During the earlier parts of the job I felt really down and depressed as I couldn’t find anyone who was friendly or on my wavelength. I managed to find them albeit some trouble (they were sitting right in front of me and I never noticed). I’m grateful towards you guys. All the ups and downs are worth it as you’re all one in a million with all your unique character and I’m glad I found you all.

Another person missed is my dear friend Gurl who’s in a new chapter in her life. One that’s so far away. One that excludes me but I’m still able to catch a glimpse of now and again via Facebook (where else?).

Not forgetting the wonderful friends I’ve forged at the gym. They are few I keep close at heart and they know who they are I do not need to elaborate. You are the frosting on my cake and make gym a place I look forward to going every single day.

Another big step I’ve taken this year was to reconnect with my high school mates and primary school mates after being MIA for so long. Some I’ve had the pleasure of meeting up (oh, we must meet up again soon) and some I can’t wait to see in the year 2008.

I’m also thankful for a certain soul who chanced upon my life at my darkest hour and gave me the other half of the puzzle to complete it. In his hour of grief he found time to take my hand and lead me to see that everything happens for a reason and I’m very thankful for the talks I have with him although they’re far apart but really interesting. I’m glad I found a friend in you.

And to the guy I have a love-hate relationship with. Through all the ups and downs… Dramas and all… (yes, you never admit you love me but …) I’m grateful for you as you keep me on my toes with all that drama. It’s exhausting ok? Just give me a definite answer instead of all this crap. You know you love me or else you wouldn’t still be wasting your time (cheh wah… so confident) with all the calls and smses. Just admit it or just let me be.

I guess I’m blessed with people who love me for all my good… For all my bad… To all my family, friends (be it in bloggerland, colleagues, ex-colleagues and gym mates) thank you for all your care and support throughout the year. I couldn’t have made it without you.

So on this evening I’d like to wish you all A Very Happy New Year 2008. See you on the other side. Cheers.

Does Age Really Matter?

2007-12-02T17:04:00.000+08:00

I've come across this situation a few times the last week and was just curious. You see a guy, you think he's nice/cute/whatever and then once you find out his age... then it's like @_@...

Friends/colleagues ask me why I'm restricting myself, age is after all nothing but a number. Something which I agree upon and always tell my mom that but when it comes to finding a special someone, then it's a whole different story there.

First things first. Women mature way faster than men. I think it has already proven itself (at least in my life) that this fact is true. Definitely all the men out there who reads this will say "No way, you know we're as matured as any lady our age"

Sorry guys, but to put it bluntly, any men I've met who were my age or slightly younger sometimes irk me with their childish ways/comments. No way I can sit down and have a decent conversation about the real meaning of life or the very meaning of our existence. Yes, such boring conversations that I find interesting/enlightening. You get my drift. No hard feelings. I do note however that you shouldn't generalise anything/anyone for that matter.

So I do not deny that there's prolly some younger guy who's as mature as I am (or even more so perhaps) but sad to say, until the day I come across one I'm sticking to my notion.

Then there's the women age faster than men notion. Yes girls, I'm not kidding you when I say that. Nor am I being a wet blanket. When you're still single you'll probably looks awesome no doubt but come marriage and the pitter patter of small feet, your hormones starts kicking in and you'll age way faster. I've had friends who married someone 5 years their senior and their wives looked great during the wedding but after childbirth, honey she ain't that hot no more. I'm not kidding you.

Yeah, you may say that she didn't take care of her appearances but truth be told that's what happens. Once childbirth comes in, a woman's hormones changes... So some things can't be replaced. Others may/might cost you a bomb.

And imagine a younger guy say... (I'm 25 so let's choose) 20? He's probably just finished (if you're lucky) his studies and just venturing out and finding his place in the society we call working life. He's still unsure of his capabilities, his likes and all that. You, having been in the working scene for more than 5 years now have enough exposure to know what you want out of life and done with all that soul searching crap (again, if you're lucky).

Er, let me put it in a simpler form. I shall tell you a story (or two)...

My neighbour's daughter is currently in college and dating. Every single day I see her boyfriend's car parked along the field and I either have to park behind his car or somewhere further (very limited parking spaces as each house have a minimum of 3 cars). That's like every single day. For the life of me I can't imagine why as they already get to see each other a good 3-4 hours (I don't know. Enlighten me. I never went to college) a day and yet still have to follow her home for a good 2-3 hours more... My aunt comments to me that they (the couple) are very loving and how come my relationship is nothing like that. I sort of gave her my "waddafark" look.

From what I hear (from another gym member whose daughter is also currently in college and dating), that's the scenario. While it's perfectly acceptable for some people. I personally can't take it. I need my space. I need my alone time. I need my girl's night out. I need my guy's night out. In short, I have so much more things going on in my life other than my boyfriend. In short. My whole doesn't revolve around him. He's just part of my world. So imagine if I were to get a guy who was fresh out of college (erm... 22-23???) or maybe even still in college (God forbid)...

Ok. Lets move on to the next story.

Another friend of mine (my age obviously) recently dated a guy who was 2-3 years her junior. Hey, just because I don't think I can jive with younger guys on a romantic level doesn't mean I'm against my friends doing it ok. Everyone has different perspectives. Anyway, coming back to my story...

That relationship lasted about 2-3 months (I don't bother keeping track but I'm guessing here)... When it ended I asked her what happened. Apparently... he was to clingy (in the simplest form of explanation)... Now that's something you don't hear everyday... A guy being clingy... *LOL*... sorry, sorry... (wipes tears from eyes)...

What happened was, he called her at least a few times a day but just keeps asking her how she was... like omigosh wei... at least when you call have something constructive to say. We're not like in college where you just call to ask how she's feeling although you've just met/spoke to her a few hours ago. To a young kiddo (yes, if you're still in college then you're a kiddo... sorry..) that is kinda sweet (yes, I admit I personally went through that stage) but to a working person especially on a working day, that can be quite annoying.

So I guess on relationship terms, we're on a totally different level and have different expectations. It's perfectly fine if you don't call every single day (or minute for that matter) cause "honey, we ain't sitting around waiting for the phone to ring"... We have other more pressing things to worry about (like that looming deadline/unsigned cheque) than whether or not you called us today.

So I guess the answer is no, I won't settle for a guy who's younger than me but it doesn't mean that if a guy (younger la...) is matured enough I won't mind giving him a chance but then again, maturity differs from one person to the other so... we'll see won't we?

Ok. I'm too lazy to think/write anymore so I'll let you guys ponder on this wokies? Ta for now.

What Difference Does It Makes

2007-11-18T23:49:00.000+08:00

I guess I need to update my blog more frequently, thing is:

1) I have naught to write about; and

2) When I do have something to write, I'll end up forgetting it...

I know... really bad, but since someone said now is the chance for me to biatch about them on my blog. At first I didn't think it was worth wasting anymore time and effort on it but since I really wanna wash my hands of this person so I'll just dive right in.

First of all, my whole life currently revolves around work, gym and home. Everyday it's the same old thing but I like it... I'm happy even though I'm alone I'm surrounded by nice colleagues and superb gym mates (a small selection) who makes me laugh or vice versa.

So the time I spend with this certain someone is really limited. They prolly know where I'm at 24/7 as my timetable hardly ever changes unless my friends whine that I spend more time at the gym than I do with them then maybe I might skip gym and hang out with them (unless I can weasel in a meeting in between gym class instead).

Coming back to this someone, I'd mostly likely just spend a day with them and it'll prolly be at their home where they're watching something on the tube and drinking. No conversation ensues and whenever they say something it's either mean/belittling me.

I crossed my mind that after almost 2 years (minus the month long periods of cold war), I still have no idea who this person is. I don't know anything for a fact because they never want to open up to me and after two years I sit across the room and wonder who they really are. I think I know my friends better than this stranger I've be dangling with for almost two years.

The other thing that peeves me about this person is when they assume they know me darn well when well, think about it if you don't talk to people how are you going to know them right? First impressions are never 100% accurate. And the way they have this "ngor sek yim thor kor lei sek fan" kinda attitude which really irks me... Yo, you're not my parent ok... Just cause I'm younger doesn't mean make me immature. Age is nothing but a number. Just that most of the time I choose to be ignorant and all cutesy. It's something called a CHOICE.

You know after two years of people asking me if I'm attached or single I do not know what to tell them mainly because I'm neither single nor actually attached... How can that be? You're either here or there... anything in between is just plain rubbish. Close friends tell me to ditch him, acquaintance tell me to wait it out as he's a real sweet guy and can tell he cares about me. But to be honest, sometimes I'm not so sure.

Being an insecure (oh yes, I am... extremely so) person, this does nothing but to feed on my insecurity even more. Yes, I agree a bit of criticism is healthy but you MUST know when to lay off the biting remarks. I'm not made of hide you know. If you prick me, I bleed just the same as you. Having him torment me time and time again about my weight (I'm a bit on the chubby side) does nothing to boost my self-esteem. It actually reminded me of the way my ex of 6 years treated me and honestly speaking, I hated feeling that way.

I lost myself in that 6 years relationship and it took me a long time to finally find myself again. Like everyone else I'm not perfect but I think the most important thing is being happy. I hate for the fact that I have to put on a smiley face every day when inside I feel like screaming. I hate to meet up with old schoolmates and have them comment that I've put on weight. But whilst I hate all this, I still treasure the memories built during those days cause every bit of my past is all the essence that makes me uniquely me and I'm happy with this me.

This me now can look in the mirror admit that I may not be perfect, may not have the perfect life, may not have the perfect family, may not have the perfect relationship, may not have the perfect friends but when I put all of it together, it's just perfect. In every sense of the word.

Sure I fight with my friends now and then, the real ones stick around cause they know not every day is all laughter. Same goes for finding a partner. I don't need to explain why I prefer to be the way I am. Still will not bother to explain why it is so.

I think this saying sums it up perfectly... no?
So I won't give a damn no more. It's a real pity though. I really liked him. And his family and friends (those I've had the privilege to meet anyway).

Actually a lot of my friends was curious to wonder why I suddenly made this move (after always defending him in the past) was mainly during the Diwali hols, I went to Klang with another colleague of mine for some Diwali shopping (yes, I know... I'm one weird Chinese) all the shopkeeper thought my colleague was my bf (although we weren't even oozing those signals) and it got me thinking.

Whenever I go for movies, shopping, etc. it's always with my friends or alone. So... it's not a relationship, it's not even companionship... it's not FUBU (he said so and I don't do those kinda stuff anyway)... wtf is it then? *Ish*...

My life is complicated enough as it is. I don't need another one to add up to my sleeve. And since I'm quite content with or without (definitely if it could be a with would be ideal)... so since situation doesn't seem to improve I might as well pull myself out of it. At least I don't feel like a sleaze when I go out with other guys (not romantically la...) and when I tell people I'm single I know I definitely am.

No more of this "It's Complicated" crap. Think I'll stay single for at least a year before I hit the scene again... wuahahaha... come what may babe, come what may.

So satisfied now I've given you your so-called glory if you're reading this?... Need me to post a picture? You're lucky I'm not that big of a bitch and still have a good heart. Or else I'd prolly upload every single photo I have of the both of us snuggling here and on Facebook (it did cross my mind)... You know who you are. My friends definitely know who you are. So does my boss. *ROFL*...

Whatever la, I wish you well and may you finally find happiness or whatever it is you're looking for. Don't worry (not that I think you would even bother), I'm doing just peachy. I have my life, friends, colleagues and a great boss (no boss, I'm not buttering you up just cause my confirmation is near.. :P) so fug everyone else who's superficial.

P.S. I forgot to mention I'm starting to reconnect with my secondary and primary schoolmates and the feeling is uber euphoria.

Types

2007-10-31T00:35:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder why I still bother to keep this blog up and running. It's not like as if I have loads of things to write about. Owh... ya... it was supposed to be my online journal, but ever since that fateful day... it just wasn't a place that I can write about whatever nonsense anymore.

Back then, at least people who read my blog where limited to those who didn't know me at all or those who know me really well... Now it's like I don't even know if it's safe to ~~bitch~~ blog about nonsensical things that just happen to tick me off that particular day. Better to be safe than sorry. I wouldn't want my boss to read about me complaining and thinking that I really mean something when it was just on the verge of anger and I just wanted to complain... *aih*...

So I'll just keep my post to nonsensical things that doesn't really directly involve my life. Just random stuff that pops into my head and make me feel like writing about it. Nothing too personal.

On another note, Kat has left for a week now. Feels kinda weird not having her around to chat with online. Somehow miss that.

Adui... somehow I managed to digress. So ok, from now on it's just random thoughts that cross my mind.

So yeah... today's topic is types. What do I mean by that? Simple... Do you have a type of guy/gal that you prefer.

Imagine you just met (or for some time already, whatever strikes your fancy) a guy or a girl. Somehow you feel a vibe... Or maybe you think he/she might be a good catch. Well obviously it must be since you felt some sort of connection. Right? Right???

WRONG!!! With a capital W.

I for one have come across many a friends (guys la) who've either told me directly that I'm not their type... wth?? There is a type? What type exactly? Like Type A and Type B Project Alice in Resident Evil?

*Geez*... guys/gals for crying out loud, give the person a break won't ya? Unless he's ubber annoying/irritating/won't get out of your hair kinda person don't you think you should at least give that person a chance? Chances are there's more to that person than meets the eye... If only you'd give yourself a chance to really get to know them. You'd be surprise to learn that whatever first impressions you had on that person may not be entirely accurate.

Back in my younger days I'd always sum up whether or not I like a person well, as a friend just by glancing at them. And often, I'd be dead wrong. When you open your heart and not judge hastily, you might actually come to realise that you have quite a lot of things in common with that person or that they actually are quite fun to be around with. But if you never give it the chance of going slightly further just beyond the casual hellos and goodbyes you'd probably think you guys were like worlds apart when in fact, you both actually have quite similar taste/views/values.

I was once in the customer service line for retail and hotel, I realised that sometimes people who look kinda arrogant actually just need the right approach and they'll be ubber friendly. Everyone is capable of it. In the hotel line, customers who looked fierce actually gave me the best advice I got my entire life and opened up a whole new perspective to me that I never knew was there. Then those who looked all gentleman mostly (not all ok) are those who would be the ones whose eyes/hands will start to rove. But I can't categorise and say all good looking men are "ham chu sau" (aiyoh, those geezers who can't keep their hands to themselves lo)... For I've come across some who are as gentleman as they look. Plus or minus the alcohol factor.

Er... Me thinks me digressed to far again...

Anyway, coming back to the matter at hand. Types, why do we have to limit ourselves to a certain type? I for one don't limit myself to any sort of type (although I do draw a line at muslims, I still like my pork after all... no offence to you malays out there). If there's a connection I might take the next step, if not, I'll just stay as friends and see. Most people, well at least that's what I feel... Already have a ideal person in mind.

When you come to think of it, that person is just a figment of our imagination... nothing that perfect exists in reality because we ourselves aren't perfect so how can we expect our better half to be?

Erm, too far away from the topic again? OK. To make it simpler, there was this saying on Facebook Bumper Sticker (which I have pinned to my profile on Facebook ler), it simply says...

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe

So simple yet so true. Loads of guys (ok, I'm exaggerating.. a few) actually told me I'm not their type. Most of them I asked just out of curiosity... Some... well, you know la, I don't have to go into details.

And when I asked them (those I was asking for the heck of it la) why not, they either said because I wasn't their type (they were being kind to me) or listed a few of my less desirable traits... The best part is, these people do not know that I also have the capability to be ladylike (apparently I'm the kind guys would prefer as friends... meaning I'm not girlfriend material just because I'm not a girly girl - don't let all those pink obsession fool you ok).

I may be outspoken and all but at the same time, I still like my pinks and my frills and my laces as much as I like my alcohol and my liquor. I do like dressing up (when there's an ~~excuse~~ occasion to) but maintain a fairly laidback casual do when I'm just out for yam cha sessions with the buds. I don't feel I need to constantly ~~paint~~ makeup my face although I do have friends who do but hey, whatever strikes your fancy. I don't do it doesn't mean I discriminate people who do ok.

Doesn't mean that you only see a side of a person and that's all there is to that person. Nobody has just one side to their personality. There's always one for the family, one for the friends, one for the colleagues and one for that special someone. Doesn't mean they're putting on a show it's just that different situation needs different approach. Don't tell me you talk to your boss the same way you talk to your colleagues. It's just unheard of...

So next time before you catch yourself thinking, "He/She really isn't my type"... pause for a moment and think if you actually took the time to get to know the person properly before you actually strike them off your list of "potentials". You might be surprised that person you first thought wasn't "your type" actually is...

Busy, busy, busy...

2007-10-10T11:35:00.000+08:00

I've been so busy that I've neglected my blog (not that many people visit it anyway). During the first few months of Sept, I was busy with a project at work and was working insane hours a day. After that was done, I got hooked on to Facebook (it's darn addictive I tell you) and I was really getting addicted to the bollywood and fusion dance class at the gym.

So my days were pretty much work, gym, facebook, sleep... I've actually drafted two posts but since I've yet to finish them, it's still a W.I.P...

I decided to crawl out of my ~~facebook~~ shell to write up a quick post.

I've been busy (yeah, I do know gym does not constitute to being busy) but... I really enjoy my workout and missing one day of gym makes it harder to follow the steps next time around...

Ok. I digressed once again (as usual).

The reason I decided to put up a post (finally) was because a very dear friend of mine is leaving to Abu Dhabi next Friday and I'm currently in the midst of planning a BBQ cum Farewell for her. Which friend? The one I've written about before here is leaving to join Etihad so I'll really really miss her...

I'm just gonna keep this short and sweet (cos I'm lazy to write) so I'm just gonna wish her all the best in her future and that she take good care of herself whilst she's there (it's so very far away) and that she must make sure she never forgets me and... and... and that I'm going to the airport to send her off no matter what she says... and (I promise this will be the last and) I pray that God will watch over her and make sure she's alright.

Baby, you're moving towards a completely different path in your life right now. A path that takes you oh so far away from me. Granted, we may not meet up as often as we do when I was seeing your cousin but you always had a place in my heart (and of course there's the occasional messaging we squeeze in during...).

All the best my dear... God's speed... :)
Here's to a new chapter in your life my dear...

Outdated Posts...Part 3(a)

2007-08-25T21:06:00.000+08:00

I know, this post is outdated... tell me something I don't know... anyhoo... AirAsia had these free seats early during the year so I took the opportunity to get me some tickets to Phuket. Mom and her friend wanted to follow so I decided it'll just be the three of us. Big mistake... I'll tell you why later.

I had the biggest fear that my trip would be all in vain as during the next few weeks loomed closer to my travel date, I became more obsessed with checking out the happenings and the weather forecasts. The information I gathered from the net was no less reassuring. Loads of people complained about the weather, the hotel I was going stay at and all sorts of other things. My spirits were so dampened by all this.

Nonetheless, I've already paid for the trip and the accommodation so I guess there's just no backing out of it (unless I want my money to be forfeited). So here goes nothing...

22nd June 2007 - Day 1 to Phuket

The flight went without a hitch and departed on time. The view from the top is something I missed taking the last time I went to Pattaya (since complicated had my camera) so this time I took the liberty of taking some shots from above. This one was my favourite of the lot.Finding a notable taxi hire was a walk in the park as they had loads of counters for us to access to. I took the liberty of buying myself two bottles of Absolut (Ruby Red and Raspberri). The road leading to our hotel had more sights then when I last went to Pattaya.

I'm too lazy to list down everything but these were nice stuff I saw along the road. Some are a bit distorted cos I took it whilst the car was moving so...And then we're here... Club Coconut... It really didn't look like much though... Already my feeling of euphoria earlier has evaporated... @_@...

The room was even worse... Let's not even talk about the toilet... o.O

There was only one person manning the reception cum bar cum... errr.. everything else??? Anyway she (or was it a he???) was pleasant enough.We dumped our belongings in headed out for some food. Being lazy we just ambled to the nearest night market. Not many stalls were open yet so we sat on the middle row of the shops. Big mistake...The tomyam was just so blah that I couldn't even find any words to describe it...The asparagus and prawns were OK to say the least... And we also had fish and crab... The fish and the asparagus is the best tasting dish out of the lot... the crab was the worst... the best of the best was washing it all down with a bottle of Singha beer (*sigh*... how I've missed you...)We saw this absolutely humongous durians selling at the side of the road (thankfully without the horrendous smell that comes with it). Mom and her friend practically had an orgasm seeing it... me? I was turned off (I hate durians)...

We requested for and additional bed as there's three of us... normally in any hotel you'd just get an additional mattress (correct me if I'm wrong...)... but we were greeted by this...o.O .... Literally another bed... so in the light of it... I guess I'm gonna have a good night sleep anyway... :)Some camwhoring before I ~~sneak~~ make my way to have a ~~puff~~ check out the bar... I mean...As I said, the bar was nothing to shout about... but it was here that I had my orgasmic delight when I found my two dear friends...Tiger and Singha... Tiger is easily available back home so I opted for Singha... Ahh.... my dear friend... How long I've waited for your sweet refreshing taste rolling down my throat... Thus ends the first night of my arrival in Phuket...

Overdue Posts...Part 2

2007-08-25T17:46:00.000+08:00

13th June 2007 – Accident… Once Again

I suffered from severe pain in the chest area the day before and although the pain has somewhat subside, I still decided to go to work although I wasn’t completely healed.

I was lighting a puff for myself when the ashes (the end which still burns) fell on top my pants… not wanting to burn a hole in my pants I was busy trying to get it away from my pants (and my seat) in which I failed to notice the lorry in front of me come to a halt… and when I realized… it was too late…>_<… I’m so sorry baby… It caused me RM500+ to fix up the bonnet and repaint it… thankfully the radiator wasn’t affected… o.O

16th June 2007 – Aunt Mary’s Birthday (BBQ at home)
We were supposed to host the BBQ at Aunt Mary’s eldest son’s apartment, but since the weather wasn’t so kind to us, it was raining the whole day (thus, the BBQ pit in his condo was wet)… not wanting to spoil the whole event, we suggested to have the BBQ at our place instead.

After few phone calls here and there (not to mention my cousin’s emo outbreak), we managed to secure a pit and got the party started.The grilling…The mother, son moment…
Not forgetting the mother, daughter moment...The boyfriend, girlfriend moment… (awww… so sweet)Finger lickin' goood… *gobble gobble*…
The cake...
The families...
The "who's tummy is bigger than who's" moment (will so kill me if they see this)…
Mom asking us to "please recycle used cans"...

All in all, it was a lovely family get-together... although one particular family member was absent from it... it was still fun... sadly, my family hardly ever have these kind of events... I wished they'd have more just so we're closer to one another... Wishful thinking that one is...

Next entry will be on my trip to Phuket...

Overdue Posts...Part 1

2007-08-24T12:58:00.000+08:00

So much things happened in the course following on of my closest friend's death that I didn't bother puttin up much posts about (before and after her departure)... Happy occasions which generates cheer but I was in no shape to be cheerful... Older pictures I could not bring myself to post because I know she'll never see it... Happy fronts were put up. Brave smiles were worn. Only the silent cry of the heart is felt by one's own...

I guess they deserve better than to let me continue and wallow in my fickle mood swings which have become more frequent as the days and months wear on. So here are the few things I got myself busy with between those few silent moments of solitude and silent tears...

1) 14th Apr (DGF Annual Dinner)

The theme that night was International Cultural Night, being a fan of Indian cultural costumechose the saree I bought with her during Deepavali last year. She said it was dull, but when I showed her the photos taken with my phone, she said it looked really nice on me and that I went all out with the accessories. Promised to show her those taken with my colleagues (now ex) camera but never came around to it... So here are the pics...

The full accessories... costs me more then the saree itself... @_@
The full view of the saree (sorry no nice standing pics so sitting will do)
The younger FICO staffs
With the new CFO
This guy kept telling everyone that I'm his girlfriend... -_-"

2) 18th May (some place, forgot where)

With Kat who was at some place near Holiday Villa I think (so long already ma...) where a friend of hers was asked to take photos for some dancing competition going on there...I like this pic, pity tho that it's too dark...

3) 27 May 07 - Uncle Vincent's Wedding

Uncle Vincent and Uncle Martin is actually mom's half brother. Same dad, different mom. Yeah, Gramps took two wives cos Grandma couldn't produce any guys. All seven were girls... o.O

It was a very simple wedding (low cost la) and I had to ~~waste~~ purchase tickets to Penang specifically to attend the wedding and come back the next day (being a month end). Tiresome but what to do? It's always ok for my cousins to NOT attend but it's a must for me unless I want tongues to wag at my mom... so ...

It was the first time I attended a small scale Chinese Wedding that was held in a school hall. The meals were all vegetarian dish. My first time attending a Chinese dinner where they served us Vegetarian Course.The "Cham cha" sessionThe other half of our family's family...Awww... so sweet...Me and mommy dearest. Mom is hot, no? (OK, I know the pictures are dark and all... too lazy to do anything bout it)Menu for the day.The dishes in their respective order... lazy to list one by one...
The final dish... was the best of the lotThe bride's sister and hubby (I think) did a few nice numbers on the dance floor... (couldn't get the vid to load properly)The happy couple...
Kena "pai siong thoi"... literally...

It was an afternoon wedding, not to mention vegetarian so no booze... we "yam sing" to orange juice... It was raining after that and I was exhausted so I spent the rest of the day napping as I had a flight to catch at night and the looming deadline ahead.... o.O

I think... I spoke too soon... >_<

2007-08-18T12:39:00.000+08:00

I've been complaining for weeks on end that I'm too free and have nothing to do but read manuals, blueprints and toy around with the system (which I'm too chicken to do in case I screw something up).

I really put my mouth where I shouldn't have. Guess what? Here I am, 12pm and only had about 5 hours of sleep yesterday. Wait. Let me rephrase myself. I only finally managed to get some sleep this morning at 5.30 a.m.!!!

Yeap. I've been working from 8.30 (ok, ok 9.30.. I think) right up to 6.30... normal working hours (if you take into consideration my lateness)... went to the gym (yes, I won't forgive myself if I missed Bellyjam again...)... then continued working from 9.30 to 5.30 a.m.... @_@

I never knew I had it in me to work so many hours and then have minimum sleep and then continue working... I guess this goes to show I'm a bloody workaholic... I will wake up to work but not wake up to workout... Egad... >_<

I know a lot of you will tell me, "I told you so...". Yeah, yeah, I know... but you know what? I actually like it. I like the fact that I don't really have a fixed schedule every day of the week and that I've got super tight deadlines. Yeah, at the moment I fail to meet every single one of it cause I'm like super kiasu and worried I'd get it wrong.

Another thing is, doing something totally new that you have absolutely zilch confidence in is really demeaning to your self-worth and all. I felt really crushed at one point as I had shitload of information and I didn't know which I needed and which I didn't.

In the end I just put in whatever I think was correct and hope and pray for the best. Oh well, I guess that's what happens when you step out of your comfort zone. Hmmm... I think this is my shortest entry ever.

Oh well, have to get back to work now....

Brain Malfunctioned... Flood Gates Opened...

2007-08-14T23:25:00.000+08:00

I don’t get it. I really don’t. I pass the other days just fine but every eve of… I succumb to utter depression that even I can’t explain. Tears will fill my eyes. Thoughts of you will dance through my head and I’ll keep playing our song over and over again. Or I’ll just keep listening to sad music. Or I’ll drink myself silly. Or… or… all of the above.

As I write this, I can hardly see the screen as the tears have taken over… WHY? WHY? Why only on this particular date. Half of the time I don’t really know what date it is but when I have this overwhelming desire to drink and cry (never my combination… specially the crying part). You know it’s not me.

It’s odd, but writing this down sort of calms me. The thoughts overrun my head and my fingers just fly at the keyboard typing out whatever that doesn’t even reach my brains yet but the words and paragraphs are already forming. As if on auto-pilot. I guess I’ll never know why I only feel like this on this particular date. Up to today, I still haven’t brought myself to delete your phone number off my handphone list. It’s still there.

I keep thinking and wondering. Are you happier now? What’s it like? Do you know how much I’m missing you? I just don’t know why… but I really, really miss you. I miss everything about you. The way you’d mother me, tell me to get rid of that complicated person in my life but still don’t love me any less when I don’t actually listen. I love the way you smell, your laugh. Everything is so fresh in my memory but I’m so worried that one of these days my memory will begin to fail me and I’d forget you entirely.

People are probably bored of reading about me writing about you, but I really don’t know what else to do. I’d hold on to anything as long as there’s a trace of your memory there. I’m really lost. I don’t know who to talk to. Friend’s who knew you, avoid the topic of you like the plague. Friend’s who didn’t know you are probably wondering why I’m sp hung up on you and I can’t put this behind me. Family? Family will only get jealous that I am still not over you after so long. I don’t think I ever will. As I said, you were more than a friend.

Did you know that Mapu’s wife is expecting? She’s about 2-3 months preggers. I had my birthday at Uncle Chilli’s with the gang and this time most of them turned up. Guess they have realized that the time is now to spend together for we’d never know when it’ll be our last. But you know what? I wasn’t really happy on my birthday. Of course I was glad the guys all made their very best to make it even though it was just for a while. It’s the thought that count doesn’t it? But the thing I was missing out most as you. It just felt so different without you there.

Your absence was sorely felt. I don’t know bout the others, but I really felt it. I have not found a partner on the dance floor who’s in sync with me till today.

Oh. Remember the guy Sham in Waikiki? One of the waiter? I believe I told you he went back to India to get married. He’s back there and when I told him the news about you he was shocked, to say the least. Bala still plays his same tunes every Friday (I think) with the odd twist now and then but still same old, same old.

RP? I haven’t been there in ages. Not since the last time I went with you and your husband and all. I wonder how it looks like now… LaVidas? I think the last time I went there was also with you and Anita. When the time there was this cute Chinese guy hitting on me but I wasn’t interested cos he was short. Well, he is…. I’m already short and he’s shorter than me for heaven’s sake. Not forgetting he's married and lying about it. I don’t even remember his name for the life of me but I do remember you and me dancing on the dance floor. Oh, how we danced.

Hmmmm… Heaven… I wonder what it’s like. Does it really exist? If it does, what do you see there? Curious. You know, my family hasn’t gotten any better since the last time I met you. Always squabbling. No peace. I’m really sad bout that situation you know. Me being away at work and my mom always getting the lashing from both her ungrateful sisters who’s always threatened by me. You’d think that now most of our commitments are gone and there’s less people in the house now there’ll be less quarrels. Oh no, I secretly think my aunts thrive on arguments and that it gives them some drama in their lives.

Should I tell everyone bout the last time I spent with you? Will it take a lot of space? Ah, you know me… long-winded to the core… hahaha… could never do a K.I.S.S. in my life. As it is this has already taken up more than an A4 size…

Erm… should I leave it to another time. You do know I’m a procrastinator when it comes to this right? As it is I haven’t even figured out a title for this post… yet. But I’m sleepy… it’s already 12 plus and I’m a wee bit grogy…. Just a wee bit… and we both know I’m going to finish this no matter what.

Awwww darling… what can I say? You were more than a friend to me (I think I’ve said it more than one time already on my blog)… you’re family. Did I tell you I was over your place a couple of weeks ago? If you didn’t already know… I went… erm… I think the second week after your middle baby’s birthday (they weren’t around on the actual day ok… so don’t emo me from wherever you are k?).

I got both your girls a princess Barbie doll. Me thinks it was the Princess and the Pauper set… I’ll try to get them the DVD so they can watch the story or if I’m really broke then just the story book la… the eldest or the middle one can ready to the baby… or I’ll just do it myself (as they still don’t let me leave anywhere between less than an hour or until their bedtime).

I managed to get hold of some pawardee (however you spell that) materials for them to sew too. I hope your husband can choose a decent pattern for them… I can still remember the outfits he chose for them last Deepavali which you took to exchange together with me and the girls. How I wish I made more money so I can take them shopping this coming Divali. You know, a lot of people told me that I should just stop going over to your place now that you’re… but I can’t do that…. I can’t bring myself to do it. I won’t do it too often until I intrude on your family’s privacy but I think every now and then won’t hurt will it? I want to see your kids grow up… I want to be there… not as anything but a shadow… always there but nobody notices… what you reckon eh?

Ok… now I really need to sleep… exhausted to the max now. At least I’ve stopped crying for half an hour… and since now am tired out… can’t keep my eyes open much longer…

If you want to know (or don’t already know), this post has actually run two pages long… yes, I’m drafting it on Words… easier spell check… I love you mate, wherever you may be I pray you’ll be happy.

I’ll never forget you in this lifetime,
~aSstHa~

Pink Addiction...

2007-08-13T00:02:00.000+08:00

As you probably noticed (or didn't) that I've stroked out the pink USB hub on my want list. Of course I finally got it. Have been irritating the crap out of my colleagues and my team lead is also not spared even tho she is in Tokyo currently. Actually YM-ed her to tell her that I finally got my pink USB hub. LOL.

Hopefully by the time she comes back I'll have the pink jelly keypad and the pink wireless mouse so I can antagonise her with it.

Of course I have to thank my darling friend HY for searching around for it for me at Low Yat last Friday. Getting a USB hub is easy enough, searching for a pink one in exactly the right shade of pink is not... So yeah, thanks darling for taking the trouble to look for it for me (although I know you never read my blog but it's the thought that counts eh?).

I actually bugged her to take a picture for me and MMS it over as I couldn't wait to see whether she got me the right shade of pink. Of course she did, bless her. After knowing me for 12 years she pretty much knows what kind of pink I like. She even haggled over the price for me. The original price was RM39 and she managed to get it at RM35 (I'm really bad at haggling). So one down and two more to go.Cute huh? Even the cable is pink. A pity about the casing though as it's in black. Now, don't get me wrong. I've always loved pink. Even way back in the days before blogs came about. Everytime friends/family came back from some place they'd get me pink stuff.

On another front, in my previous post I mentioned that I was moving to my own room (FINALLY). Having said that, it's been a week and I still haven't got my stuff organised yet. Luckily the room is already in pink so I don't have to repaint it but I just might (just not in the near future, maybe next year).

Was up in Ikea on Tuesday with HY and her bf, MS (bless them, MS drove). Both of them were basically just there to accompany me and make sure I didn't blow my budget and buy things that I didn't need or wouldn't fit into my room.

So far, I got a pink chair, a pink er... round hanging stuff thingy, 2 red organisers to put me shoes, a white table lamp (I wanted to get red but HY told me red looks creepy so I opted for white instead) and some rattan baskets to put in my ~~rubbish~~ stuff in. I wanted to get the pink 3 drawer chest but decided against it as it'll definitely break my budget. I still need to get a full length mirror. Have already seen one I like but was worried it wouldn't fit into the place I wanted it up.

MS was a really sport as he was carrying most (ok all) of my buys and helped me carry it into my room. HY at that time was already complaining that she was tired. Bless her.

My room is far from perfect as half of my clothes are now strewn on the floor as I need to put them into the cupboard shelf to be folded away nicely but as there's things already in there I can't. For now. So far I've only accomplished putting away my shoes properly (coordinated of course by colour, height and type) and hung up all my work wear and casuals that I need to hang and my towels and bedsheets.

Argh. So many things to do. So much things to throw out. I've never been good at throwing things away. Darn.

I'll put up photos of my room once I'm done meddling with it... I know nobody's interested but I just want to, so there.

P.S. You'd think now that I have my own room I'd get some privacy but nooo.... just because my mom has the spare key (which is supposed to be used for emergency only) she'll open my door whenever she feels like it. Irregardless whether I'm home or not. This too, has too stop. I'll have to talk to her one day about this. Gah... Why can't my family understand the importance of P-R-I-V-A-C-Y???

Some Privacy Please?

2007-08-01T00:51:00.000+08:00

Imagine coming home after a long day's work and you're really looking forward to a bit of rest and relaxation to prep you for the next day. You take your dinner and clean up the dishes (cos you don't have a maid anymore) and proceed to your room to take a nice hot shower and curl up with a nice book.

Scenario 1
You reach the landing to your room and you are greeted by the sounds of tiles clanking across the table. WTF? Your aunt is playing Mah Jong in the room you both share... Doesn't bother you if it's all the same gender... but WTF? There's male there too? Uncles or strangers it doesn't matter. Talk about breach of privacy.. How do you expect to take a shower with these males around? Forget hitting the sacks early...

Scenario 2
You come home after a tiring day at the gym on a weekend and want to take a nap. The aunt who shares the same room as you also arrives home with a friend of hers. She tells you her friend also wants to take a nap and you have to resign to the living room couch whilst a total stranger sleeps on your bed... double WTF...

Scenario 3
You come home and the house is quiet. Everyone is out. Ah, peace at last. You enter your room and all your things have shifted location. Everything that should be in its place (be it messy or out of sight) is not in its place and when you need something that you normally don't use you have to comb through the entire 3 levels in your home searching for it.

I really need to get my own room... I can't keep getting all worked up over petty little things like this. Like it or not it's my mess... I still know where everything is... It's a organised mess... So there... I'm gonna take the room downstairs... I'll even settle for a smaller room without air-conditioning just to get some privacy and know where everything is be it in a mess or organised.

Just letting off some steam here... It's bad enough I only have my team lead and another colleague to rant about this, not to mention I haven't got any tickets to start my on the job training so there's basically no where else to let off all this pent up rage.

Have already told the mother that I want to take the other room so am planning to move downstairs this weekend. Anyone willing to give this girl here a hand?

Food For Thought Perhaps?

2007-07-31T17:30:00.000+08:00

You've heard of the FISH Philosophy ... now there is a fresh fish lesson

The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste.

To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish.

The frozen fish brought a lower price. So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste. The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish.

So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan? If you were consulting the fish industry,
What would you recommend?

How Japanese Fish Stay Fresh:
To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks. But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state.

The fish are challenged.

IMPORTANT LESSON

Have you realized that some of us are also living in a pond but most of the time tired & dull? So we need a SHARK in our life to keep us awake and moving. Basically in our lives, sharks are new challenges to keep us active and taste better.....

The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are, the more you enjoy a challenge. If your challenges are the correct size, and if you are steadily conquering those challenges, you are conqueror. You think of your challenges and get energized. You are excited to try new solutions. You have fun and you are alive!

P.S. This post was sent to me by a friend and since I'm too lazy to send out emails, I've posted it up here... really interesting theory tho... No?

Do You Ever Have That Feeling?

2007-07-23T00:55:00.000+08:00

We all know it has been raining non-stop the whole weekend.

Ok, to be honest I don't really know bout Saturday as I slept almost the entire day away and was holed up in Starbucks for the rest of the day so wasn't paying attention to the weather.

Sunday I woke up, it was raining so I went back to bed. Woke up again and it was still raining. #*&%$... Looked at my handphone (no watch/clock ma) and it told me the time was 3pm.

3-friggin-p.m. and it was still raining? wtf?

I wanna go out. I hate driving in the rain. I can't stay home cos my aunt will drive me up the wall and hog the Astro remote. My eldest aunt will irritate me beyond recognition by comparing me (yet again) to my cousins, neighbours kids, etc.

Ok... digressed, as usual.

Have you ever had one of those days when it was raining whilst you were working and you'd complain and said that you wished it rained during the weekends instead of the weekdays so you could stay home and sleep?

But when that actually happens you actually complain and curse the weather cos you won't forgive yourself for staying all couped up at home during the weekends instead of going out and painting the town red?

I know I'm that kind of person. Complain when it rains on a weekday cos it's such a nice time to sleep at home but when it does rain on a weekend I complain that the rain hinders me from going or doing anything else.

Humans. Complains when things don't go our way and when things actually do, we complain anyway. Anyone guilty of the same behaviour?

If you're curious (which I highly doubt you are), I went out in the rain anyway and went over to a friend's house to watch something in a language I totally don't understand, had dinner there, and watched all 3 CSI (cos aunt is hogging the Astro at home).

Still was holed up at home. At least it was someone else's home... Good enough for me. :P

Thoughts of You

2007-07-15T05:59:00.000+08:00

It's almost 6a.m. as I write this. Somehow or other I feel you with me. I was attending an ex-colleague's baby's first month old thingy and I was talking to his wife who also work with you back in our FMG days. Her husband coincidentally was working at the last company I worked at and during the earlier days I too was liaising with him. Funny huh how small the world is sometimes. I doubt you remember the wife as we didn't really have much dealings with the shared service centre back then.

I also met another lady tonight, actually last night to be accurate, was drinking til now) who was actually someone who lived in your neighbourhood when you where staying with your parents in Klang. We go to talking and I realised just how small the world was once again. You have a knack of doing that to me. Doesn't really help that it will be your 2nd child's birthday today.

I got her a princess Barbie doll. I hope she likes it.

I can believe it's already two months since you've gone. It seems just yesterday. How odd that your death was the same date as your girl's birthday. I know I promised I'd look in on them more often but I just can't bring myself to go over and I keep putting it off time and time again. I can imagine them giving me a nice round of scolding for not going over more often.

Just that going over just makes me depressed all over again. Time really doesn't stop. So many things happened in this course of two months and it was like nothing's changed but something has. Just that, like it or not we have to go through life. It just doesn't stop because you're no longer around.

I think I better stop here. I'm too sleepy and tipsy and having a lot of typo error. Will go see your girls soon and pass them their presents. Will call them when I wake up.

Uncharted Waters...

2007-07-13T00:04:00.000+08:00

Most of you would've known by now that I've switched company. Yes, I've signed yet another misleading document as Zewt likes to call it (Which I do agree by the way, some what). Problem is, like it or not you have to sign it. That is unless you're the boss of your own company. Then, you can make other people sign your very own version of that piece of document.

To cut a long story short, I've decided to wash my hands from the fate of Accounts and jump into a totally different scope of job. Why? Basically the toll of always being a social recluse during the first and last week of each month has taken it's toll on me and I'm beginning to look older than I am.

Back in those days before Die Hard Labour, I could take photos without having the need to put on makeup and still pass off as "ok". Now, I can't go near a camera if I don't paint my face. The tiredness shows. Don't believe me? Wait. I'll show you proof.

WARNING! Below pictures are original and devoid of makeup or photoshop. Do not proceed if you expect to see a pretty face!This picture I believe I've posted up before during Christmas last year when I was reminiscing about 2005 celebrations. Eyes were a tad swollen as I was depressed (don't as me why) at that time but still looked better then the current picture.
This was taken during my trip to Phuket (no that's not my mom. Mom's face is covered by my headrest) where I just looked plain washed out. I wonder if it has anything to do with the hair colour.

Big difference no? Well, I think there's a huge difference anyway.

Technically speaking, I did a 360 degrees change. I left Accounting line and plunged headfirst into the wonderfully morbid (joking) world of IT. Well, SAP if you must know. Will still be handling the FICO Module (finance la) but more of a back end thingy (I think). Don't ask me what I'm supposed to do cause I seriously don't know it yet.

I've been at the new place for four days now. Basically there's naught much for me to do (yet) so yeah... I'm sitting around shaking my leg. A recap of my week at the new place.

Day 1 - Managed to find my way although my friend did give me the wrong directions but was able to make it in time (not getting lost) to work. The laptop for me wasn't ready (don't know which boss forgot to request/omitted my name) so I was stuck sitting around, looking around and pretty much being bored out of my life. In the end my team lead gave me this humongous file (supposed to be my bible) to read and pass the time.

Seriously, I like reading but it's only restricted to novels. I was seriously trying to stay awake and make sense of the manual the whole time. It was a slow lullaby for me.

Day 2 - My laptop is here. Sad to say it wasn't the latest model but at least I have something to keep myself busy with. Er, not real job anyway. Just tinkling around and figuring how to use it/configure/change password (our office mail uses Lotus Notes... I hate Lotus Notes... no offence, just used to Outlook that's all)

Day 3 - Everything that I can meddle with I have, everything I can change I have. Hence, I'm stuck with nothing to do once more. At least I can surf online while I'm at it *tee hee*. I finally got so bored with surfing the net that I decided to meddle around the shared drivers and see what I can find to read. Ended up reading some stuff on roll out which was 70 pages long... @_@ ... and no, I still haven't finished reading it yet... (-_-)"

Lunch was a treat by my team lead at some Indian shop, somewhere (look I'm not familiar with this place ok) which was awesome by the way. The fish roe was outta this world as they cooked it fresh and it had a nice texture. Of course I used my hands. It's be a sin to end banana leaf with utensils (and besides I hardly get the opportunity to use my hands and eat).

Day 4 - The guy who was supposed to handover and teach me my job function is mysteriously missing today (after promising the day before). Don't even know if he's on leave, mc or meeting. But meetings can't be a whole day right? So it's back to the 70 page *yawn* of manual for me.

Only four days and already I'm missing the workload. Does that make me a workaholic? Not to mention I'm missing my friends back at the old place. It gets kinda lonely over here. I know I'm fast at making friends but when the opposing party are like so totally in a world of their own (anti-social) that it kinda makes an extroverted girl like me feel out of place.

There were a few things I noticed during my first few days here.

Firstly, half the department is empty. Most are away for projects roll outs of some sort. The other half who's around are either;
(a) glued to their laptop
(b) in their own world with their headsets, or
(c) all of the above

It doesn't make it easier that most of these people are doing a totally different set of duties from the department I joined (so I've been told), and most already have their own little cliques.

Secondly, it's dead quiet around here. So quiet that you could hear a pin drop. I used to have my phone set to ring on the 3rd level last time and back in my old place I'd sometimes fail to hear it ring even. Over here, even after setting it to the lowest level, when my phone rings I literally jump out of my chair out of surprise. Yes, that's how quiet it is around here. Totally zilch noise pollution. The only sounds you'll hear is the clicking of the fingers against the keyboard.

Thirdly, almost half the people turn up way after the stipulated working hours. It's written in our letter that work starts at 8.30 a.m. Last time, if I went in 15 mins late, the whole department (including my Finance Manager) would know I was late for work. Here, I come in at 8.30 sharp (difference in distance makes me wake up earlier), not even half the department is in. They all mostly leave at 5.30 sharp too I noticed (not that I blame them, if you leave at 6p.m. you'll take half an hour just to exit to the main road).

I guess they really have a "I don't care what you do as long as when I give you deadlines you meet them" kinda attitude. Which is nice for a change but a totally new experience to me.

I miss my peeps... Although it's a huge opportunity for me to dip my feet the the world of SAP but at the same time I wish they weren't such a quiet lot. I'm having withdrawal symptoms already.

The food here is so bad, to get something decent you have to drive out (which I don't cos I don't know the directions) there's no convenience stall, no vending machine (no soft drinks for me)... the parking lot is quite a distance (although the distance is bearable but once you add in the weight of carrying the laptop... nuff said) but at least they have a shuttle service so it's not so bad.

The pantry is really tiny (slightly larger than my bathroom) and there's no lounging area. The perks? They serve fresh fruits everyday at 12 completely free. Apparently the big kahuna worries that we consume too much junk food so the fruits came it. Honestly, I've never eaten so much fruits in a month much less a week.

Mom will be proud. Oh well, can't complain too much. It was after all my decision.

Oh. I have to tell you how I came to get the job.

I don't have time to check out the adverts looking to hire (wasn't looking to begin with). Most MNC now hires headhunters to do the shortlisting for them anyway. My dear friend, whom I missed dearly. She was the one that submitted my resume to my current company. We couldn't agree on the date of the interview as the person was away on a project roll out and everytime she was back for a short while always coincide with my month end closing.

Not being able to take leave during this crucial period meant a two months delay in the interview. We finally came to agree on a date, 10 May 2007 (Thurs). I was on the phone with her the whole time asking for directions and where to park.

I got the job that very day and she was the first to know. We agreed to go out for a drink the next weekend. That date never went through for 5 days after that, I got the call telling me you passed away. 15 May 2007 (Tues) at 1.35pm in a clinic in KLIA.

Coming here brings back memories of you. Your memories that I wasn't a part of.

Greener Pastures On The Other Side?

2007-07-02T14:30:00.000+08:00

This week marks a new turning point in my life.

First and foremost, I'll be officially turning 25 somewhere this week (I'm not going to be so perasan to put the date up here). Most of my friends would probably have remembered it. Some would've totally forgotten it (rest assured they have been given a reminder). One has already given me my present, three are planning to take me out for dinner on a different date. Regardless, I love each and everyone of you and you better try to make it for my birthday bash since I haven't had a proper one for ages.

OK. Before any one of you guys (yes, you) come to me and say, "What we celebrated your birthday what"... Let me put it this way. From what I recall (yes I have elephant memory);
1) 21st birthday bash was spent with 6+yrs bf (at that time) for seafood dinner (abt 30pax) and clubbing at S. Pyramid later with 2 bottles (total cost RM2000++)
2) 22nd birthday, I seriously don't recall celebrating it at all...
3) 23rd birthday, my first birthday in singledom and the departure of my dearest brother a month earlier meant no celebration cause I'm still in 100 days mourning period. Thanks to my dearest colleagues (now ex) had a hush² party and the works which had me ending up in tears (for the very first time) for I was truly touched by their act. Nothing big, just a small gathering with a cake I didn't eat (choosy fella) but touched my heart all the same for their kind thought. Had a small do at Cafe Flam and another quieter one in Country Barn (or something like that)
4) 24th birthday, saw me sick like a dog (no pun intended) so I was couped up at home the whole day and night was a quiet steamboat dinner with two close friends.

So yes, this year marks the next biggest turning point in my life (I'll come to it soon, I promise) so I intend to celebrate being 25 with a big bang (hopefully) minus the big hangover of course (still have to work the next day ok...)

Second milestone in my life.

This Friday will officially be my last day at my current company. I bid goodbye to being a ~~slave~~ ~~workaholic~~ social recluse during month end closing. Although I'm looking forward to finally being able to go for month end trips, I will miss the friendship I've forged in my short stint.

Ya, ya. Some of you who knows me well will probably be thinking, "You're changing jobs? AGAIN?"... I want to defend myself yet again. First of all, I joined my current company based on recommendation, I decided to join them because I wanted to continue working in SAP environment (which they were planning to go-live in Apr... 2006). Due to unforeseen circumstances, they have delayed the transition and I foresee at least 3 to 4 years before they'll migrate the company OS to SAP.

In between, Rubini (yes the one and the same) is MM Specialist (who used to work for my "soon to be" company) who submitted my resume (without my knowledge. She still had the copy I used for my current company cos I did it on her laptop). I got the job 5 days before her abrupt departure which explains why I took her death so badly. If it she didn't have confidence in my work performance and didn't give me such a high recommendation, I'll probably still be stuck ~~slaving~~ working my month ends away.

The biggest turning point is the new job I'll be assigned to handle is really a huge step out of my usual comfort zone. From handling the day to day transactions of accounting entries to being the back end to support the finance module (I think, not too sure at this moment). Other than that, the job title has changed from being an Accounts Office to Application Specialist. If I work hard enough at this, hopefully I'll one day be in her shoes.

From the time I first met her up til this very moment, I wanted to be in her field of work. Now, is my chance (not to mention not getting a humongous pay cut) and an opportunity of a lifetime to do the thing I wanted to do when I found my calling. Thanks dear, for believing in me and thanks to you guys, who hired me (of course).

Yes, this is my milestone. This is my moment. When I look back on my 25 years of life, every single turning point has only groomed me into a much better person. A person who's been made to make difficult choices at the young age of nine. Each choice I made would bring the biggest change in my life. And today, will just be another significant choice I'll make in my life and I'm content.

For once, my life is going in the right direction (at least one area). Past burdens that once weigh heavily on me has gone and for once in my life, I have the choice to life my life the way I want to without worrying if there's another person counting on me. Sure, there's mom, but she's a much stronger women then anyone gives her credit for. She is my rock and supporter whenever I face a difficult period in my life.

There's no time to worry bout petty things like relationship failures. No point in brooding on the past. No point being angry for not being given a chance just for the fact that I'm not of the same race. One day, I'll look back at all this and laugh at how naive I was.

For now, being me is just enough. Friends keep me sane and mommy keeps my heart at home where it's always been.

Why Do We Need Men Anyway?

2007-06-29T12:32:00.000+08:00

I've had countless talks with friends, guys and girls alike whenever I'm pissed/fed up/etc. with my relationship (whoever it is at that moment). One friend in particular said some things that I have never heard or received from other friends before.

He asked me, "why DO you need a guy anyway?"... which resulted in a blank stare back to him and my mind working furiously behind the scenes.

Why? Why? WHY?

Ok... I seriously don't know why... My normal excuse where (tagged E=Excuse and R=Retort):
(E1) So happens everytime I'm single again another guy interested in me pops up so I accept
(R1) Doesn't mean you have to go with them right? What if it's just a rebound?

(E2) It's easier to tell other guys (I'm not interested in) that I'm already attached so they'll back off
(R2) Still can do that without a guy in tow right? Just lie.

(E3) Family pressure. Your cousins already got a nice girl/guy, what's wrong with you?
(R3) Screw family. At the end of the day, you're accountable for your own life/happiness/etc...

Ok. At that point, I seriously ran out of excuses. Blame it on society. Blame it on peer pressure. Blame it all on anything if you must but at the end of the day, do we really need a man/woman to be satisfied in life?

Fair enough if he's a nice bloke (ok it's easier to refer to guys since I'm a girl) and treats you well. But do we need that extra burden of having someone around whom we don't feel we can trust 100% and who irritates the life out of us but don't dare to take the step to being alone? Thus, we suffer in silence cos anything is better than being alone?

Trust me. I've always felt that, having that feeling of being alone even when I'm with someone. Especially when I'm in the company of my girlfriends who somehow always have their boyfriend tagging along. Me? He's always busy working to a certain extent sometimes I wonder, do my friends think I'm lying bout my status? That I say I'm attached when I'm actually single?

I know those close to me will never think that I'd lie bout something like this but it's just a thought. Hey, I would think that too if anyone of my friend told me she has a boyfriend but somehow I've never set eyes on him. Even pictures can be deceiving right? So for now, I'll just say I'm single but not available.

Ok. I digressed (when do I never?)

Coming back to my friend. He told me these days, we women (yes, a man said that) don't really need a man to survive. We have our own steady income and career to put food on our table (not forgetting car, house, nice clothes, yada yada yada) so a man is just company. More of a desert than a main course. It's nice to have it but even without it, you'll do fine.

I don't know bout you people but for me, for me it's more of fear. Fear of being alone. Being unwanted. Not having someone to love. What set forth this fear?

I don't know. Probably of growing up together with not one, not two but FOUR single women. I see firsthand what happens and I don't want to be like that 10 years down the road. Mom, being a single parent for over 20+ years too doesn't want to see me end up alone. Probably the reason why I chase relationship after relationship and never stopping to look within myself to find out what is it I actually want.

But after x years of being in bad (ok, not all were bad) relationships, I'm stopping to ponder, "Do I really want this? Do I really want heartache after heartache? Depression after depression? Men who just want to tie me down (not the marriage kind, more of restricting my freedom)?"

As I near my 25th birthday, I know I do not want any of this. Men (most ok.. not all but normally they're fine if you just remain friends, the horns come out after) are egoistical (tell me honestly if you think I'm wrong). I, alone have an ego equivalent to any male so I don't think we need more of that.

Previous relationships had me with guys who were super control freaks which once ended, saw me with no friends of my own (he forbade me to go out with anyone and always emo me if I were to go out with another guy even if we were just friends). It was a truly painful process as I forged to rebuild friendship lost.

Then, there's the guy who's super busy and everytime I call he's busy, I want to go out, he's busy, you get my drift? The busy, busy, busy type. Hell, I'm busy too. Don't you think I work? What do you think I'm doing? Sitting in the office blogging (ok, maybe sometimes)?

Fact is, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced I don't need a man in my life (for now) to complicate things. And hence the thought of being alone isn't so scary since I spend my time alone mostly anyway, so what's the difference? Birthday present for myself perhaps?

Food for thought...

"You never feel more crazy than when people lie to you...
And when people lie about loving you, they hurt you the most...
Being crazy is not knowing what to believe..."

Cheerios people. To friends, don't worry bout me... I'm fine. Just want to let off some steam :)

Toast...

2007-06-27T18:50:00.000+08:00

I'm back from my little holiday.

Needless to say, it was a tad boring what with going with my mom and her friend and all. By all means it was as enjoyable holiday albeit the irritations caused by my mother and her friend when we all had different wants.

But that, my friend will be a totally different post. Definately not this one, cause:
(1) I have not transfered the pictures from my camera or my phone to my external hard disk
(2) I don't have the time
(3) I'm a bit lazy at the moment too

Which brings me to my blog title today. Toast. That's what I am. Why?

Firstly, because during my 3rd day of my trip in Phuket, I went for a tour on Phi Phi Island (what a name). Anyway, it was an hour and half boat ride from Phuket to the island. One which I spent on the front deck of the vessel (don't know what you call it) where a handful of angmohs were happily suntanning away.

Being the smarty-pants I was, I didn't put any sunblock lotion thus, resulting in me getting really tanned and not forgetting very burnt shoulders. Thankfully for me, I'm already pretty tanned by nature (for my ethnic) so it didn't (or hasn't anyway) start peeling.... yet.

Only suffering I had to endure was pain whenever the edge of my shirts (for work) rubbed against my shoulders and it hurt like hell...

Second, the day I report back to duty (today la) is the beginning of my month end closing (bye bye to early night's rest and outings for a week and half). God... the amount of backlog I need to clear (no thanks to my 3 days leave), there's no way I can finish my work by 10.30pm (normal closing time for this one particular module).

Not forgetting that this will be my very last month with my current company and I have to tie up all loose ends before I leave... That means only 10 more days to meet the month end deadline and finish my outstanding queries.

O.o

Yeap... I'm toast...

Last Minute

2007-06-21T12:38:00.001+08:00

"All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go

I'm standing here outside your door

I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane

I don't know when I'll be back again

Oh babe, I can't wait to gooooo...."

(Yes, I know that's not the right line... it's intentional)

If you're wondering what the hell I'm rambling on about and before you decide that I've finally gone of my rockers (as my colleagues did cos I was singing this out loud in the office) and call the mental institution to cart me off, let me defend myself...

I'll be going off to Phuket tomorrow afternoon. Before anyone make any comment that it's rainy season and wanna put a damper on my spirits, I already know that. I'm content to spend my holiday indoors. Mainly because,

(1) Mom can't swim (so no snorkeling, diving, in short, no water activities)

(2) It's purely a rest and relaxation trip

I have never had my own luggage bag so since I've been travelling quite often now, I might as well go and get myself a new luggage bag. I actually saw one (in pink what else?) last month during some little clearance thingy at 1 Utama but it was priced RM300 for one bag and 2 small totes (don't ask me the size).

I really liked it but it was a bit over budget for me so I decided not to buy it at that time. Big mistake.

Finally I decided that I'd like to get my very own luggage bag (instead of always borrowing from family and friends) and just buy that (I really, really liked it) but the fair was already over. I figured normally these fairs come from shops situated within 1 Utama so decided to shop around.

I went to the new wing on Tues (yes last minute girl I am)... browsed in Parkson, saw some nice Hush Puppies luggage bag (3 different shades of pink). Unfortunately the pink colour that appealed to me was only discounted to 20% and after discount was priced at RM520...

O.o

So expensive (no need to shop in Phuket d). There was another bag (same brand, style and size but in a darker shade of pink) that was 50% off which came up to RM225 (cheaper than my first choice but that one has 3 bags).

Decided to walk around and see if I can find the exact bag I saw (RM300 one) and ended up walking from 3rd floor new wing Parkson, all levels in the new wing, all levels in old wing, old wing's Jusco and finally back to Parkson... @_@

I saw a hard covered pink one similar to the one I wanted but just one bag only. It was RM199. Now my head is thinking, "hard casing or soft casing?, hard casing or soft casing?"...

You know what? I ended up buying the bag at Parkson (my very first stop).... -_-"

My feet was already killing me by that time but needless to say I'm very happy with my purchase (I bought the 50% off one, decided a darker colour is more receptive to dirt). I went home ecstatic about my very own luggage bag and wanted to do some packing (I am leaving on Fri noon after all) mana tau some friends called me out for a drink (the alcoholic kind).

Apparently it was just for a short while (I received the call at 11.30pm ok) but in the end I only came home at 3.15 am (due to hopping from Waikiki's to Uncle Chilli's) and finishing two bottled of JDs.

Needless to say, with only 4 hours off sleep the alcohol didn't quite wear off from my system and I went to work with a massive hangover (yes, I managed to wake up in time) and was pretty much blur half of the day.

What happened to the other half? Collection of Unilever goods and massive moving of ubber heavy boxes and sweating in my shirt (luckily I remembered to wear black).

How much boxes I had? Enough to fill my whole car (ok, the ones in the car belonged to MP. My friends orders were in the car boot). I have pictures as proof...

Anyway, while waiting for my friend to come to my place and collect the stuff I finally packed my bag for my flight tomorrow. It took me two hours to complete (I suspect I might redo it again tonight) before my friend arrived and I finally fell asleep after stopping at chapter 12 (I think) of the book.
Sun (crosses fingers, arms and legs), sea and surf... Here I comeeee....

Gift Buying...

2007-06-19T18:05:00.000+08:00

I know most of my post have been really depressing and when friends ask me if I'm alright and then they read otherwise in my blog and wonder if I'm running away from my feelings once again.

Really. I'm fine. Just that I need to get this out of my system to completely heal. I don't do well with crying or looking helpless as you guys probably already know so this is the way I "get over it".

But I'll take a breather from them morbidly sad stuff. For now that is.

So much things happened in the span of one month and a half. So much so that I don't even have time to stop and pause. Most of it is my own doing I guess. I make myself so busy half of the time.

Now I just managed to stop and pause for a while a realised how time flies. For everything. In a blink of an eye so much have happened the most profound in these last two months.

And before I know it. The holiday I planned since January is drawing near. In fact, it's just this weekend. Let's just hope the weather is forgivable. Best part is, this will be the very first time I'm travelling (no Pattaya can't really be considered one as I was going there to meet that someone) and making arrangements and all.

I'm drawing a really big blank and hope I can pull it off as it's supposed to be a nice R&R vacation for me and my mom (not forgetting her friend). Oih... I think I've digressed furthest from my actual blog entry this time around.

Coming back to gift buying, I'm writing this because in just 2 short weeks it'll be *drumroll please*... My birthday. I doubt there'll be any celebrating of any sort because
1) I just came back from Phuket not too long ago
2) It's month end (once again) and I haven't seen our deadlines yet
and most importantly
3) I'm broke and don't really feel like celebrating anything since the incident
not forgetting also...
4) I'll be saying goodbye to the current job (and some wonderful people) and joining another place before the week is over

Having said that, mom said we'll have a small party while we're in Phuket. She wanted to do it on the day itself but since I don't have my month end closing schedule yet I told her better not plan anything in case the same thing happens as it did for her birthday (I had to cancel at the last minute).

Ok ok.. it happened again.

Yes. My birthday means I'll be turning one more year older although as people tend to grow older they'll normally say things like, "age is just a number".

My one solitary wish for my 25th (yes, I'm that old) birthday is to receive a bouquet of my favourite roses from a guy *cough*yes, I mean you if you're reading this*ahem*... You know who you are. I don't need to post a name.

You'd be surprised to think that I get flowers galore for admirers. The simple truth is for my 25 years of living I'd never received anything more than a single rose (from one of a friend's visiting colleague) and that's it. My 6 years plus bf never bought me roses. Said it was a waste of money. I did get other gifts from him but what I'd really want for a change is some roses.

Not any red roses alright. I hate red roses. They smell bad and are way too commercialised in the lovey-dovey department. The only thing I like about them is their velvety soft petals which no other colour possess.

My favourite is the champagne coloured one. The colour is an extremely light orange with a heavenly scent (well I think so. It's my preference anyway).

People said shouldn't I let them decide what they want to get me for my birthday instead of me telling them want I wanted? Sort of kills the element of surprise.

The problem with me is, I'm a very hard person to please. Even my own mother always end up buying me things I don't like. So after years of receiving things I do not want or like or need, I've decided I'll tell people what I want so they can go and get me something that I'll like.

Normally things I request are more often than not, less than RM100 (I said normally) so I don't think I'm mean in telling them what to buy me. Most of the time, the gifts I receive don't capture my fancy and I feel the person who bought that give didn't really take the time to scout around for something I'd like. It was more of a just for the sake of getting a present kind of gift.

Something a person like me (someone to painstakingly plan and search for that one perfect something) would be able to sniff out a mile away. In my entire lifetime, I think I can safely say that there's two person who will always buy me things I'd definitely like.

One is Kat, and the other is my 6year relationship's mom. They always manage to buy me things I'd like, whether or not I need it is a different matter. But for the fact that I like it, it's enough to know that at least they did scout around and the gift was from the heart.

Most of the time that's all that mattered to me. Not the price tag on the gift, but the effort in getting it. It showed me how much they cared for me and it touches my heart.

If I personally plan to buy something for someone, be it a romantic someone or my own mother for that matter. I'd take into account what they'd like and whether it would touch their hearts. Hence, the lying to my mom about buying her a present for her birthday last year cos I was too broke but left it on the bed of her hotel room when she went it and she cried cos she thought I really didn't get her anything. The silly little thing.

This year I sent her a bouquet of roses cos I knew she loved roses. My aunt said it's a waste of good money but it's the least I could do for cancelling our dinner.

Yes, gifts from the heart are the best gift to receive no matter the actual value of it. So until people who love me actually figure out this little secret of mine (not so hard since it's already in my blog for all to see).

The things I want to receive is simply the things you've put a serious thought into and a little effort to ensure I'd like it. Big ass things like handphone, PSP, external hard drive (which I've already bought ok) are things I'd get on my own.

As they always say, "It's not the big things that count in life, it's the little things". A little effort goes a long way and it shows.

Ohhh... And happy birthday dearie... It's your birthday today and I know as usual I didn't get you anything cause you already have everything you want... or your darling would get it for you so there's no need for me already hor... *huGz*

Comfort Zone Gone?

2007-06-18T18:03:00.000+08:00

It comes as no surprise to me as my blog is no more a safe haven for me to write about things I want, given the current circumstances. I believe a lot of people are curious as to why I moved my earlier post to wordpress and password protected that entry. Some would probably have guessed why I did it. But for other people out there who blog hop occasionally would be wondering why all the secrecy...

Let me show you. My blog went from 2-3 visitors a day to this...
...after that fateful day. No point in linking the post here as it's still password protected and I guess them blog hoppers won't bother asking me for the site password thinking they're walking on personal affairs. Not true...

In fact, I'll be more then happy to share the post with them but certain circumstances lead me to having no other alternatives but to do the things I had to. Sometimes I wish I can just tell them to sod it and that this is my blog and I'll write whatever it is I want.

So I guess the reason I've not updated any posts is because I hope my blog stats will dwindle back to the way it was soon and that I can write to my hearts content.
It's getting there, but not entirely there yet as you can see.

I doubt there's any blogger out there that wishes her blog was read by less people. Just that my last few entries got some controversial remarks from certain people.

Some said that she should be remembered for the wonderful person that she was no point in noting down her demons. Some weren't too happy about the photos thinking it should be kept private. Some wanted me to delete the entry or password protect it, which I eventually did.

What I don't understand is why can't YOU bloody people see that this is My blog? My site? My outlet? MY WAY of letting go. I don't mean to raise hell or cause any controversies. I just wanted to remember her, for all her good, all her bad, all her beliefs, all her fears, all that she is that made her complete. That made her only human.

In the first place I never expected people to Google search her name. Never expected my blog would be the first one to pop up upon search completion. I was really upset. You think I'd have so many thoughts running through my head whether my blog would get more hits? More popular?

Let me put it this way. I was still in shock and I was basically running on auto-pilot. I do that ever so often. Even when I drive (explains my numerous accidents). I just needed an outlet that I could express myself as I couldn't tell my friends cause they themselves need consoling. Those who didn't knew her couldn't and will never be able to understand the bond I had with her. Telling my family would only make them worry. Colleagues? They wouldn't understand either. Who else could I turn to but my blog?

That's why once I found out a lot of people out there visited my blog to gain info about her abrupt departure I decided to set up a Memorial Site in her memory. That's for you people to remember her. This place... this place is my own. For me to write my feelings and my unhappiness and my sorrows. How I want to remember her not how the world wants me to. For she was the beacon that shone the brightest even though the darkness seemed to drag on.

Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't write. I don't believe in hiding anything. Ghosts will come back to haunt you. If you're open with the world, sure people will talk and people will comment but after the truth is out there what else is there for them to talk about? Besides, by keeping quiet what guarantee do you have that people won't talk?

Trust me. One way or the other they will talk. I've seen the people talk. It's their nature. So now I'm giving them something to talk about but at least this time, they'll talk the truth. The truth is known. It's not something to hide for she neither do I have anything to hide. It's nothing shameful.

And no. I'm not blaming anyone for this. It it the will of God. I can't change anything. I'm not trying to. That's why it's been kept under wraps. One day I shall blog about it. But this time. It'll really be only for my eyes.

Cause I have other people whom I care more of hurting than you. Not everything is about you, you know. They are the ones I stand to protect.

But sometimes I sit and wonder. How long can I protect you? Life takes it's own due course. We all make promises at some stage of our lives but how sure are we that we're going to follow through? Like it or not.

Sometimes we don't manage to live up to our words. Not because we want to but because the situation in life doesn't allow us to. For all I know it might not even be me who pulls the plug. What happens if you tell me one day you've had it with me? What am I to do then?

Next time before you think I'm being selfish please remember this. This blog is mine, so I have every right to be selfish. It's got nothing to do with you. Neither does it has anything to do with her. Or anyone else for that matter.

It's just because she played a huge role in my life, that I wouldn't be here without her. I wouldn't have gotten my next chance to step into a totally new career world so soon if it wasn't for her. If she didn't believe in me as much as she did. Believed in me even more then I believed in myself at times.

Because for all she's worth. For all that she was. And all that she will be in my heart. Is because of all the good and bad life has shown her. In spite of her troubles, she gave me the courage to take my own step with her guidance. She helped me. I am who I am today because of the faith and strength she gave to me. That I deserved better and I still do. In short. She's worth it.

I love her for giving me my second lease in life. For if I have never met her then, there would be no me here now.

The Day After

2007-06-13T00:47:00.000+08:00

It took me so long to finally pen this down.

Still I want to prolong writing this. Putting this down in writing sort of opens back wounds that have just begun to heal but I must do this. For myself. And for all those who loved you. I can't believe it's already been one month since your abrupt departure.

If the drive home from your house was bad. Seeing my mother made it worse. I finally broke down and cried after keeping a straight face the whole day. Mom told me that everybody dies, it's a matter of time. I know that. But it doesn't make the pain of losing you grow any less.

The next morning must have been the hardest for me to endure. Waking up, I thought I had just dreamt the happenings of the day before. Numbly I grab the black top and grey slacks and get dressed up for work.

Upon arriving at work, reality hits another time when my colleagues asked me how everything was and that it was no dream. You're really and truly gone from this world.

For the first time in my entire life, I broke down and cried right in my cubicle and couldn't stop the tears from flowing. You must be giggling at me from where you are now. For finally you've managed to penetrate me like no other person has and reduce me to a bubbling mess.

Not that I've never lost anyone close to me to death before. The very first dear person I lost would've been my dearest brother. You were there for me then and saw me crumble to pieces but I was pretty much fine after that. Maybe the pain of losing him was not so hard as he was suffering in this life and it was best for him to go and thus numb the pain slightly with that realisation.

But to lose you. Was something I never expected nor imagined in my wildest dreams (more like nightmare).

You, whose smile would light up an entire room. Who smiled and only few who knew you knows what you went through. You were my mentor. And my everything. I knew you'd always be there for me when I call. No more can I call that familiar number and hear you giggle over the other end.

I really can't believe it's already a month. It feels just like yesterday when I spoke to you, hugged you and finally attended your funeral.

Ah...

Your funeral. Many of your former/colleagues from FMG, DKSH and Amer Sports came. There were loads of politicians too. Even the biggest one of them all was there. I won't name him but those you knew you well would know who he was. I hated the sight of him. Loathe him even.

But after I learnt his role in your life and the things he did for you and your family. I thank him in spirit for all he has done.

You were dressed in your wedding saree. It was in pink. Our favourite colour, no? Then it occurred to me I've never seen your wedding pictures before. Even laying there you look so serene. So peaceful. As if you're finally at peace.

We (me and Michele), followed to the crematorium. The rest of them dwindled and had to head back to work I guess. Life goes on. How I wish it didn't.

Sri and John met up with us at the crematorium. It was there I finally broke down again for God knows how many times that day. I wet Mich's shirt, Sri's hanky and his shirt. All your relatives/politician buddies of your husband, were looking at me.

The sole non-Indian girl sobbing away. They must be wondering who I was. I couldn't bear to look as they brought you into the furnace. That was our goodbye...

Changes In Memorial Site

2007-05-23T09:50:00.000+08:00

Dear Friends,

A short note. I'm sorry but I have to temporary block the memorial site I've earlier created due to certain circumstances. Please feel free to email me for the password. Hopefully one day I can finally make the site public once more but for now it'll be a private site till I manage to get through this obstacle. For those whom I've given the password to the earlier post, it's the same password but just drop the last word. Any doubts please feel free to mail me at the link above.

I apologise again for all the inconvenience caused.

Memorial Site For Rubi

2007-05-21T15:44:00.000+08:00

Dear All,

I'm currently in the process of creating a site in dedication to Rubini. You may add any highlights, pictures or anything there. Unfortunately, the site is only free for 14 days and I need the funding to keep it open and I can't do it alone. I know it's an awful lot of money but I hope by doing up this site, her kids can revisit her memories and see what a great person their mother was and that her memory will live on forever.

Please click "here" to visit the site. You may add on any pictures or comments or tributes and anything. If you encounter any problem with the link, please email me here so I can fix the link up as I'm still quite new at doing this.

Please help me keep her memory alive by to sponsor the site so it'll remain online forever.

Details of sponsorship as shown below.

"The free hosting period for the Rubini Paramsothi website will expire on 06/04/2007. If you want the memorial website to endure after the free hosting period expires, you can choose a monthly hosting fee of $4.95/£2.75 or a reduced 12 month hosting fee of $49.95/£27.75 (two months free). A one-time sponsorship fee of just $94.95/£52.75 will ensure that the memorial website will remain online forever (this is not a recurring or subscription fee). Sponsorship may be cancelled with full refund up to 30 days from the sponsorship date."

I'd rather opt for the one time fee of $94.95 to keep the site open. I understand it's not a small amount of money so maybe we can all pool a bit of money together so the burden won't be so huge. Please drop me a mail at my email link above so we can arrange on the fundings and everything.

I appreciate your kind help. I know it's a lot of money but it's the only thing I can do to keep her memory alive for her kids to revisit when they get older. If I can get 35 people to contribute the amount will be RM10/person or if I can get 70 people the amount will be RM5/person and the amount will be less if the people donating increases a small fee I ask to keep the site domain forever. If any of you are interested please email me your name on the link above by 31 May 07. I will inform you the amount I require then but the total will not exceed RM350.

I will post up each and everyone of your names into the site as sponsorship including the amount to prove I'm not taking you all for a ride. Please do this small favour just for a chance for her kids to see it.

I thank you all in advance for your help and kindness.

Sincerely,

Asstha